Peace.

This morning after my class I went in to see my math professor to take an extra credit quiz I missed due to a field trip last week.  If you know me well, you know math is not my strong suit so I was not excited to go in and take this quiz. Really, my fear of failing or not performing to certain standard got the best of me. But, this morning when I left for class I had an expectation for the Lord to work today. I didn't spend time in prayer or in the word this morning I just felt that the Holy Spirit was going to work today. 

So, I went in and took my math quiz and my teacher took a quick glance at it and told me that I had gotten all of the problems correct. I praised God. It was a cool moment of relief and realizing the beauty of trusting the Lord. I got up and was ready to leave and we got to talking about the devastation of the storms yesterday. She said that she was watching the news this morning and that someone from the Peoria news was sharing that because the people in Washington were at church, their lives were likely spared. 

The newscaster from CNN asked the man in Peoria how the people had such a sense of calm and the newscaster shared that it was because the people had big faith. 

Without even knowing I was a Christian, my math teacher boldly shared with me how encouraged she was by this.  She shared with me how she knew that the only way these people could get through this was by standing firm in their faith. Not only that, but the whole country was hearing how God can provide an unexpected peace. 

We spent a few minutes sharing about our lives and about the church that she belongs to in town. It was so so fun getting to talk to her about her faith, something that is often a hushed topic in a school setting. 

As I was walking home I was processing through what happened yesterday. Looking at the blue skies, I saw how peaceful this day was after such a crazy, surreal day. I felt thankful for Gods consistencies, I felt thankful for safety and security that can only come from the hands of God. 

Yesterday, I spent the day at Purdue and before I left we spent time in prayer for each other. I asked for prayer to seek my identity in Christ and for motivation to continue to have conversations about God. It was so sweet to see answered prayer today. While going throughout my normal day, God provided a conversation about God as a result of this crazy storm.

Praise God for his timing. I pray you are encouraged by this. If you invite the Holy Spirit to work, He will and He does. 

Love,

Allison

Messy Hearts.

I think I have been avoiding blogging lately because I just don't want to admit how far away from God I feel like I am. I consistently find myself falling into the trap and lie that if I don't feel God or have an experience within His presence that He no longer needs to be a part of my daily life. He can fit into the perfect box of when I have quiet times or pray but of all other aspects I just don't need Him because I am not experiencing Him. My heart aches just writing that. My heart is so incredibly messy and so unaware of the God of the universe who is always pursuing me with a fervor that never changes. 

I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God. 

Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that. 

If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious. 

He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides. 

My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter. 

The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness. 

I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence. 

Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.

His Will.

Hi friends! 

I am going to be honest I don't have anything super fancy to write here, I am just happy and I want to share that with you. I am processing through life and just realizing how truly thankful I am for God's grace and for the place He has me in right in this moment. 

There are lots of things coming at me right now. Deciding whether to sign the lease on my house again because I don't know where my field base will be, figuring out post-graduation plans, figuring out what it looks like to follow God well as I become more involved in my major and give him control of my school work when it feels like I can do it on my own, figuring out what it looks like to follow the Lord as a single women in a world that is pressuring me to get married. So. Many. Things. 

In the midst of all these crazy things though, the Holy Spirit is giving me a sense of peace that I can't put words to. He is teaching me to live in His embrace and just how much he adores me. That is where this sense of calm is coming from. From me living in light of the gospel and taking time to point myself back to Him through scripture and prayer. My heart is so happy and I praise God for giving me contentment in this place. 

As I look at that massive list of things swirling through my head there is one common theme of all of them: unbelief. Unbelief that God has my life under control. Unbelief that He has perfect timing for everything that I have on my plate. Unbelief that He is powerful to use these things for His good. These are all lies, and I am believing them. 

So, I look to the truth. God has where I am going to live next year in His plan for me and has it under control. God knows what my school life will look like and continually pushes me to surrender it to Him. God will determine if He desires me to be single or not and if a relationship will come my way, He will use it glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel and if not, He will still use my life to glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel, and that is okay. 

Ultimately, God's got it all. And no matter what things look like for the rest of my life, I pray that I would see Him shaping me and transforming me for the sake of making the gospel known. That is what I am designed for and I trust that He will do this within His perfect will. 

Friends, what things are you not believing about Jesus right now? What is He calling you to give up to Him in order to see what His will is for it rather than your own? 

Think about it. Process it with the Lord. Ask Him what He wants you to surrender. Prayerfully seek Him and seek peace in the Holy Spirit. This sense of peace will allow you to focus on God rather than on your anxieties and give God glory through it. After you process with the Lord I would love to process through things with and praying with you through the surrender. 

Love,

Allison

Weak.

Normally when I hear the word weak a negative connotation comes to mind. Incapable, lacking, inadequate, feeble. So, when I opened up my bible app to the She Reads Truth study entitled "Lord, make us weak" I was skeptical. 

In many ways the Lord has been pointing out my weaknesses to me this week. I have been very aware this week of my thought life. It has pushed me to see how on my own I am so weak. This next instance is a tough one for me to talk about because it just hurts and i'd rather stuff it away but I see so much fruit come out of being vulnerable so here comes the big one that made me feel so inadequate. I went home with a couple friends on Monday because they needed to go to the Apple store. I was so excited because I was going to surprise my sister and my mom. I had such high expectations for a great reaction from them. (Why do I always let expectations mess with me?!) 

And so, I show up at the pizza booth my sister is working at at the fair in my town and she is so excited to see me! She was surprised and it was fun to see her working and enjoying what she was doing. Then the tough part came. My friends dropped me off at home and I knocked on the door and my heart started pounding. I was so excited to be embraced by my mom. She cracks open the door and instead of the smile I was preparing for as I said "surprise!" she instead got really upset with me. Something that I thought would be a blessing to both of us ended up with hurt. She explained to me how she was so hurt that I would just show up and that she didn't really want me there. 

My heart dropped to the floor. 

How could someone who is supposed to love me be so hurtful. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. So I told her that I would leave. And I did. And she didn't come after me. 

I felt more unwanted and unloved in that moment than any other time. 

Why doesn't she want me? It just didn't add up in my head. I felt weak. I felt defeated. I felt like I did something wrong. 

It took my mom over a half hour to finally contact me with at least five text messages throughout the day apologizing and begging me to come back and spend time with her. I just didn't respond. Why would I want to spend time with someone who made me feel unwelcome in my own home? I just couldn't process that. 

When I got in my friends car again they reminded me that they loved me but I just couldn't get over the feeling of defeat and how let down I was feeling. I just wanted the feelings to stop and to feel loved by my family consistently for once. There goes the expectation problem again. 

Praise God for pointing me back to the gospel in this. 

The next day I was pointed to two pieces of scripture that reminded me of my position as a daughter of a perfect heavenly Parent. 

Romans 5:6-8

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While we were still weak. Not after I conquered this life and became strong on my own. He died in the midst of our weakness and that offers so much hope. 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have so many thrones going on right now...and I have a choice to let these weaknesses define me or to to seek strength during these weaknesses from Christ. Maybe that is why God is allowing Satan to put me through these hard things. God wants me to evidently see His strength through my weakness. 

And that is beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses hard things for His glory. 

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me your strength when I am weak. You are never weak and you never leave me alone in this. Thank you for embracing me as your daughter when I come home. All praise to You. 

Thanks for reading sweet friends! So thankful for you! 

Love, 

Allison 

Helping Hand.

Friends, the Holy Spirit was working in my heart this morning and I just really want to share with you and I pray you can be encouraged by this as well...:)

So, I was journaling this morning (probably one of my favorite things to do) and processing life with the Lord. Since being back to campus processing is something that has not been a part of life. I have been going through days unaware of how I am feeling and allowing myself to get wrapped in a lot of sin through my thoughts so this morning was much needed.

I was processing through the rut that I have been in and just feeling like I am in a ditch with no way to get out. I suddenly had this vision of a hand coming into the ditch and pulling me up. That hand was the hand of Jesus. It was a reminder that Jesus is my only hope for pulling me out of this place I am in. Not only is He capable of doing this but He wants to. What a Savior.

As I was preparing to get in scripture, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to Holy Words that would speak to me where I am at. My Provider gave me words to live by today.

"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6 (ESV)

This is exactly what I needed.

Holy Spirit, you are pretty cool. Restore my faith. Give me trust. You are powerful. Help me to view you as consistent amidst the craziness of life.

God is good, friends...even in seasons of darkness.

Love you all! :)
Allison

Evidences of God's glory.

Friends, I am just so happy! God is working in crazy ways in my life and using me for His glory on the campus of Illinois State University. Of course there is always hard things so I will start there and save the best for last. 

Things with my family have been challenging for so many years and I always put unrealistic expectations on things getting "better". That is a lie that I commonly believe. But that is not something I am promised. I am not promised that life will be clean. My family life is so messy and it seems like there is something new every week that drags me down and it hurts.  It is easy for me to start believing the lie that God abandons me in those moments. That things with my family are just too much to handle. But the beautiful thing about that is it is not true. God can and has been using my story to help girls since I have been back into campus and I know he is going to continue to use these hard things to help me to express the concept of grace to other people. 

I have also been struggling a lot with people letting me down. Even in small things. It is so challenging because it stings extra hard for me when I am let down because of how let down I constantly feel from my family. My prayer is that my expectations for people would be non-existent and that I could be comforted by the fact that Christ will never leave my side. People will always let me down but there is so much beauty in the fact that God will never ever let me down. That is something I need to be constantly reminded of. (How many times have I typed these words?!)

So onto the ahhhhmazing things that are happening here. I am leading a bible study and we have had an incredible turn out of women coming desiring the Lord and desiring to learn about His word. The first week on campus I was crazy stressed because I was planning all sorts of events for Cru and it is so great to see the outcome of these parties. Women are seeking the Gospel and that is what I have been praying for. 

I have also been challenged with learning about how perfect God's timing is. The last two days I have slept through my alarm and woken up about thirty minutes late. Yesterday I showed up to class and it ended up being cancelled and I got to spend time in the Word. Today I woke up around the same time (late! ahh!) and had to go get a Criminal Background Check. I was really frustrated because I got there and there was already a two hour wait. Seriously INSANE! But...the good news is God gave me time to spend time with Him before my class. After I came back from class my name still hadn't been called and I was meeting with a girl at eleven. She came and met with me where the background check was and the Holy Spirit just showed up so evidently through this girl and through the Word. 

I am seriously humbled by the way God is choosing to use me for His glory since being back on campus. He does not need me but chooses to use me and encourages me along the way through His word and friends asking me how I am doing and caring about my life. So, thank you if you are someone who has simply asked me how I am doing since being back. It means more than you know to know I am cared about. That is something I need to be reminded of all the time. 

I have been really motivated by Psalm 63 and Psalm 118 since being back on campus.  (Go-read them!!!)  God has brought me to moments of tears realizing how much I need Him and has used scripture to show me that and I am in awe of how cool it is that I am able to experience God speaking to me through this Holy book. God is stretching me and pushing me to take advantage of His grace and the time He has allotted me to spend with Him. Even walking to campus as I see Watterson (the dorm I am leading in) in the distance I am motivated to pray for campus and that is not something that I used to doing. He is shaping me heart friends and it is the coolest! 

God is truly good, all the time and that has been SO evident since being back. He has taught me to process life with Him and not just rely on people for that. The first week on campus even though I was around people the whole time, I still felt incredibly lonely. I couldn't believe it. But, not surprising, God is using that to teach me to process through things I am feeling with Him and get perspective on that before bringing it to others. It really helps because then I see what things are coming out of a complaining or self-pity motivation or if they are really constructive to bring up. 

Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me daily what it looks like to live as the daughter of a perfect Heavenly King. 

Friends, if you are struggling bring it to the Lord. He wants to hear from you just like your friends want to hear from you. Bring struggles to Him first. If you need prayer please let me know. I would love to be lifting your name up into the heavens. 

Love you all!! :)

Allison 

Lead Me to the Cross.

Hello amazing lovely people! I am kind of in a very weird place right now. I am not feeling happy nor sad...I am just existing. This seems to be a common theme in my life. I will go through really happy seasons and then through very mundane seasons. I just cannot seem to experience consistency in my emotions and it is truly exhausting. 

I did start the 1,000 gifts challenge and it does help me to seek joy in little things...when I make time to actually do it. That has been the struggle of my summer since returning back from Berlin. Making time for Jesus and not believing that He is worthy of my attention and complete devotion and love. 

So, where do I go from here. I wish that I had the answer. The only answer that I have is to look toward the cross. This past week I was at Younglife camp with 28 students with special needs. For those who know me well you know that this is just a dream. I absolutely adore every single one of these students and it is cool for me to experience the cross in that. 

I truly believe that the love I have for my sweet kiddos is reflective of how much Christ loves me. Even after a melt down I still love them, even after being pushed I still love them, and even after living with them 24/7 I still love them the same. And that is how Christ views me. 

When I melt down and stray from Him, He loves me the same. When I push Him away because of unbelief, He loves me the same, and when He lives with me 24/7 and sees just how broken I am, He loves me the same. And this is all possible because of the cross and because of grace. 

Praise God for grace. I would be so lost without Jesus taking my sin and wiping my slate completely clean. And not only does He wipe my slate clean but He gives me life and a relationship with Himself. A perfect relationship that I will never experience with anyone else. 

So, as I look at how broken I am and how lost I have been since returning from Berlin, I run after the cross and bring my mind back to focusing on Christ. Back to the God who welcomes me back into His presence with open arms. So many students experienced the love of Christ this week and it was beautiful to hear the Gospel and be truly renewed by the love my Father has for me. 

As I close, I would love to share with you some highlights of my gift list: 

42. Choosing joy over complaining and self-pity. 

50. Hammocking on the beach and watching my kiddos swim. 

57. Having a massive dance party with all of the Younglife kids outside with glow sticks. Firework by Katy Perry comes on and fireworks go off over the lake. Absolute perfection. 

72. Seeing one of our girls hear about the cross and start crying. When asked why she responded "Jesus died". Just beautiful. 

80. Experience my kids singing "How He loves" as a wonderful ending to camp. (This song was a theme for our club this year so they are super familiar with it.)

86. The way the Lord consistently pursues me. 

87. Being reminded why students with special needs are worth pursuing with the gospel and that my passion for them can be used for God's glory. 

Thank you so much for reading and living life with me. I love sharing my heart with you and I pray it is encouraging to you!! :) 

Love you all,
Allison 

P.S. If you need prayer PLEASE let me know I would love to be praying for you! 

Daily Mercies.

Oh my word has it been a long time since I have posted. That is so not me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I wasn't posting my updates for Berlin on my blog so there goes six weeks and as for the threeish weeks I have been home well, that just goes to laziness and business. 

Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch. 

My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God. 

Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan. 

In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it. 

Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away. 

In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift. 

I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too. 

Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight: 

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

 Romans 5:1-5

Aren't these sweet words? God is present. He is here and I am grateful for grace. 

One more thing, I am reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Maybe you have heard of it but if not its a book about writing a list of one thousand things you are thankful for. And I am taking the challenge for a more joy filled life from acknowledging things I am grateful for. Even the little things. So, I will be posting some of them on my blog! Isn't that fun?! If you want to join me I would love it. Or ask me about it sometime...I will need some accountability. ;)

I praise God for you sweet people in my life. I truly love you all. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your sweet presence in my life. You are all such an amazing blessing and joy. Love you all! 

In Him,

Allison 

Big News!!

Friends...I have some pretty grand news to share...

I AM FULLY SUPPORTED FOR BERLIN!!!!!

My heart is just ready to burst with joy. My smile has been off the wall pretty much all night. I am feeling so much peace and I am not going to lie, I feel pretty content to be done with this

process and to be able to examine my heart for where I am at with the Lord and the ways He has grown me in these last couple months. 

This whole process has proven to be a time in my life that I have had to seek dependence and reliance on the Lord more than ever. That has probably been the biggest challenge. This was reflected in the way that I sought the Lord through this process. Because this process landed in the busiest time of the year for school it was even harder to seek the Lord. As I look back, I am realizing how little I was seeking His face in my daily life. I knew He was constant and I knew He was there with me through this, but the daily surrender was the place I recognized the most distance from the Lord. 

I tend to use the excuse of busyness often as a way to push myself away from the Lord when I am not experiencing His presence. As I am realizing this to be so true of my heart I am asking the Lord to push me toward His presence as I am home for these two weeks before project. (I leave TWO WEEKS from today!) I have so much time right now that I can spend hours of my day with the Lord. I can come and sit at a coffee shop (like I am doing right now!) and journal and get in the word and blog and pray. No longer do I have an excuse because I have no commitments right now. I just have time. 

As I was just starting the support raising process I had prayed that God would teach me to trust, rely, and surrender to Him. I prayed that He would challenge me leading up to project because I knew that actually going on project I would need to rely on the Lord more than I ever have before and so I wanted to start now so that I could go into project with a new found dependence on His power. Friends, prayer is powerful and God is faithful because this experience has proven to be that for me. God has taught me what it takes to trust in Him and has proved that He will provide in big ways when I do. 

There were some weeks where I was having so much anxiety about going. Satan was whispering in my ear so many lies. Lies about not raising enough money and about God not wanting me in Berlin. Once I recognized these lies I was able to combat them. I know when I get to Berlin these lies are going to be intensified and I will need to continue to recognize them through the power of the Holy Spirit and combat them with truths about God. 

God also provided some really good weeks. When I came home last week I was kind of apprehensive about going to church just because it is hard to come back when most of my friends there are still at school. But I went and I am so glad I did. The pastor preached about how we often come across crisis' of belief meaning stepping up and trusting God that He knows what He is doing with His plan for my life. I was thinking, "okay, I have done that in deciding to go to Berlin, now what?" The Pastor then talked about how God gives us God-sized missions and we have to trust Him to provide those because we can't do them on our own. After hearing this I surrendered the process back up to the Lord and since then He has provided all my support. Why didn't I do this before?!?! haha :) God has shown me the importance of faith throughout this whole process. 

I have been told that many people in Berlin have never even heard of Jesus. Every time I tell someone that or think about it my heart pains for those people. Of course Satan doesn't want us there. He wants to keep Jesus as in the dark as possible. But then I remember my favorite verse and the title of this blog. "God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5....that is what I have to cling to. He is light and even though there is so much darkness there, He is good and faithful and desires for the people He created to be drawn into His presence. 

I feel humbled that God wants to use ME for His great work in Berlin. He is using ME to bring light to these people....WHAT THE HECK?! I think that is the coolest thing ever. 

As the date to leave (May 23rd) is getting closer I keep looking back to last year. One year ago I was absolutely against going for God. I wanted to keep my job that I loved and wanted to be comfortable. I didn't want to go through the process of support raising because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It is so cool to see how God has transformed my heart. How now I am going for God. I was willing to sacrifice my job but God has perfect timing and I get to keep my job AND go to Younglife camp. 

I am just feeling incredibly blessed in this moment. Part of my quiet time tonight was in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). Tonight, after many days of running from God and not spending time with Him, He has drawn me back to Him. The most beautiful and amazing part is that He welcomes me with open arms and delights in me when I come back. I praise God for his willingness to stick by me through this process and for how much it is within His character for Him to never leave me or forsake me. 

He can't wait to be right with me and, unlike a human, His affections for me will never be subdued or change. God truly is good all the time. 

Thanks to those who stuck with me through this crazy and at times messy journey. I am so grateful for all of you. And of course for all those who have prayerfully and financially supported me. You all rock. :) 

PLEASE let me know how I can be praying for all of you! :) 

Sending love, 

Allison 

Dependency.

This week has been a major struggle. We got support coaches which is great and the amazing women who is my support coach is actually the women that I babysit for on a weekly basis so it is fun to get to have her helping me out. 

Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out. 

I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own. 

A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer. 

I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go. 

Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that  God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed. 

I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power. 

This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull. 

I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.

My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me. 

So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue. 

I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies. 

The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son. 

God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone. 

"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

Love you all! God bless! 

Allison :)

P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541

Your Will Be Done.

I know I just blogged like two days ago but God is teaching me some pretty sweet things this week and I just wanted to share!

In the last two days the story of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane has come up in my times with the Lord and it has proven to be a huge blessing and given me a whole new outlook on Jesus and how my walk with God should reflect His.

 It is so cool how in this part of the Bible I get to experience Jesus as a human. I get to see how He struggled too and it just makes it even easier to relate to Jesus when I see Him in such a vulnerable state. In the book I am reading (Living the Cross Centered Life-I know I have mentioned it a lot but it is rocking me right now!) it talks about how the cross brought feelings of abandonment to Jesus. The pain that Jesus is waiting to experience on the cross is that of abandonment from His Father, he was separated from God in the garden when His purpose of going there was to get comfort from Him.

It has just been made more and more clear to me how much Jesus loved me to do what He did for me and you. Jesus took this cup with no bitterness for his people but instead humbly took it for those who oppose Him.

It is so cool to me when Jesus uses His Word to help me relate to Him. Earlier this semester I was struggling with not feeling as pursued by people as I desired to be and one of my friends pointed out to me that I am experiencing what God experiences all the time with His people. People never pursue God the way he would desire them to and I got to taste a tiny piece of what God feels.

Now I am having a similar experience and it is so amazing. I praise God for the feelings of abandonment I have felt in my life because he is using that to show me how He felt when heading to the cross. Certainly mine and Jesus' life are in different contexts but we both had feelings of abandonment toward our fathers.

I pray as I come back to seasons where abandonment is a more prevalent issue that I would draw back to the garden and remember Jesus' response. That even when its hard to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will" that I would remember that it is worth it to follow Gods will in times of struggle because Jesus thought I was worth it. Jesus meant it, wholeheartedly when he said that he desired Gods will to be done in His life even if it meant times of pain and suffering. Let this be my prayer.

As I look at things that I desire in my life I look back at my prayer life. The second place the garden has come up is in the She Reads Truth study on prayer. Right now it is talking about prayers of petition.  In the garden, Jesus petitions and asks God to remove the cup but He also submits the cup to His Father and trusts God to give Him what He needed because after all God knows best! :)

I am learning how much a struggle this idea of trusting God with what I need is. It is easy for me to think that I know what I need better because I know myself better. Wrong. When I pray for something I must remember that prayers are answered in God's timing and in Gods way and that the prayers I pray must be on Gods heart. God knows what is best for me and if I just submit His will will be done.

Isn't God amazing?! I am beyond grateful for the way He is drawing me closer to Him as I prepare to go to Berlin for Summer Project!

Just an update on support! I am at $3,370!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! As I continue to prepare I ask that you be praying for my heart to continue to grow for sharing the gospel with those who are lost

I would love to be praying for you send any requests my way!

Sending love!

Allison

In need of a Savior.

Hello lovely friends!! 

First of all lets just comment on this beautiful weather?!?! So much joy have come from these last three days that have been in the 70s! I went to the zoo and a baseball game Saturday, got to grill out yesterday after church and then I laid on the quad for a couple of hours and did homework and today just walking to class and having my windows open in my room is just making me happy happy happy!! :) I must say I am beyond thankful for this weather. 

Anyways, lots has happened this week. Some good, some kind of crazy but at this point I am just content which is a major blessing because this last week was kind of tough as you read from my last post but it is cool to see God using these things for His glory. Let me unpack that a little bit...:) 

After my little rough patch with my mom last week things have significantly improved. We never really talked it out and I am not sure if we ever will because our argument was based on something we probably will always have to agree to disagree on.  One cool thing about it though was that it brought my sister and I a little closer. Some of the things we have to go through because of my parents divorce sucks but it is nice to have someone to do it with who can completely relate because she is living it too. 

This week has really grown me closer to the Lord which is great. I had to remind myself often that I was loved and cherished by Christ and that he would never let me down. I think by realizing how much I am believing lies it helped me realize the importance of fighting those by reminding myself promises of my always faithful God. This is something I have been praying God would make present in my life and he has been faithful. 

This week I have been learning a lot about my condition as a sinner. (I am still reading Living the Cross Centered Life) Knowing this about my self has helped me to process through my need for a Savior and has been huge in growing me closer to the Lord because it shows me how much suffering Jesus had to take on. It is just crazy to me that he would do this for me! 

Here is a couple quotes that I think describes our condition well as well as our need for a Savior: 

"Our condition is having no possible way to atone for our sin, nor any possible way to free ourselves from enslavement." C.J. Mahaney 

"If Christ the redeemer had been only God he could not have died, since God by His very nature cannot die. It was only as a man that Christ could represent humanity and die as a man. As God, however, Christ's death had infinite value sufficient to supply redemption for the sins of all man kind. Clearly then Christ had to be both God and man to secure mans salvation." Ron Rhodes 

PRAISE JESUS for divinely rescuing us from this crazy sinful condition we are in. PRAISE JESUS for coming to earth and suffering so that we can now have personal relationship with Him. I know I couldn't imagine my life without a Savior and this amazing relationship that is now possible. 

God has really taught me how to be more conscious of my condition in repentance as well. The She Reads Truth study going on right now is all about prayer and it has talked about repentance quite a bit and it has been so cool to see repentance becoming more of a regular thing in my heart and it is cool to see biblical support for it. 

So that is what I am learning this week. In no way am I able to reach my Savior on my own but through the blood of Jesus Christ I am saved and am cleansed by the power of the Cross and through repentance. Praise God for his grace! 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 
2 Corinthians 12:9  

Love, 

Allison 

Adopted.

Friends:

I am experiencing some tough things right now.

I get so upset with myself when I let things with my family consume me again. I have to consistently bring myself back to promises about Christ when I get into times like these.

Right now I am feeling so down and depressed. I cannot remember the last time I have felt this down and so it is really frustrating to me to be feeling this way. Lately I have been experiencing such joy in Christ despite circumstances but I think this just put it over the edge.

I did have something cool happen today, though. I have been really processing through the importance of prayer before diving into the Word and before turning to people amidst times of struggle and temptation instead of God.

Today as I was walking to my favorite coffee shop and I was hoping that someone would be there that I could talk to about all of the things going on. As I was processing that,  I stopped my thoughts and lifted up my concerns to my Heavenly Father. Praise God for answered prayer in revealing to me times when I need to be in communication with Him instead of going right to humans.

To be honest, my feelings still haven't really changed but it was a good reminder for me to know the importance of relying on the Lord to get me through.

Praise God for being consistent through all of my crazy emotions and all of the trials of this life. 

This weekend I went home with a friend for Easter (my family was out of town) and had some conflict with my parents on Saturday and due to lack of time and desire (mostly the latter) I avoided even thinking about it but it still affected every fiber of my being.

It made me doubt the joy that I can have in Christ. It made me doubt that Christ is a constant in my life when everything else seems to be going haywire. Today, I am resting in and constantly reminding myself of Gods nature.

Of His love for me and his desire to be a part of my life. Of His amazing promise of an eternity with Him after a faithful life on this earth. As a dear friend put it yesterday, "lets just go to live an alternative reality where there is no sin or commitments or things that suck. Wait. That's heaven. So ready for that!"  I can't wait for that day!

But while I am here and living my life on earth I must return to the presence of my great God. I must depend on the power of the Holy Spirit to get me through my days and not on my own power. I must give all of my life to Christ to use for his glory rather than using things that are happening in my life for pity or to glorify myself.

There it is, dear friends. All on the line in front of your eyes. I am broken and things get messy but this life is a blessing from a God who will never abandon me in my time of need and even better, has adopted me as His daughter forever. 

I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have the ability to point me back to the gospel. It makes my heart happy to be striving after Jesus with all of you and your ability to love me in the midst of my brokenness!

Thanks for reading friends! I really love you all! (Here is a video of how God continues to shape and transform my life! Please let me know if you have any questions! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LMUrRW3zQM)

Anchor.

Goodness, I just can't believe how fast these last few weeks has flown by. I cannot believe that we are already six weeks away from the semester being over. 

Life is just crazy but I am super thankful for the time that I got to spend with Lord tonight! (and for the time to blog!) It is pretty rare for me to get such a substantial time with the Lord so that was pretty great and I learned some pretty sweet things. 

The She Reads Truth study on the Songs of Ascents ended today and I am just blown away with how God has used that to teach me SO MUCH about his character. The last day was about praise and how important it is for God's word to so deeply dwell in my heart that it brings about a natural joy that can only be because of the Holy Spirit. 

As I was processing through that and some questions that came along with the study I realized how beneficial memorizing scripture is. I realized that if I expect to be consistently seeking Christ in daily decision making, it is important for me to have knowledge of his scripture so that when I can't spend time in the Word I can be reminded of the beneficial and ultimate truths of His Word. I also think it will allow me to have my day be more revolved around being Christ centered instead of Allison centered. 

Going along with my life being Allison centered I have been reading Living the Cross Centered Life still and gosh is God using that to teach me so much about feelings. I am a very feelings oriented person. If I am feeling crappy then that directly effects the way I feel toward God and that is just so screwed up. 

The book talked about how my relationship with God is not qualified by a certain "passion" that I seem to expect. In reality that is just prideful. My emotions and feelings are unstable and unreliable and are not the ultimate truth. For some reason I find myself giving my feelings the job of dictating how I live my life and the way I make decisions. Wrong. 

Here's a quote that called me right out on all of things discussed above:

"The humble are those whose first response to objective truth from God's word is not to ask, 'how do I feel?' but to say, I'm not going to let my faith be determined and directed by the subjective and the experiential. Instead I confess openly before God that I will believe the objective truths of his word regardless of how I feel." C.J. Mahaney 

So there it is, friends. What God is teaching me right now. My life is not Allison centered it is God centered and in order to allow this to be consistent in my life I need to be in prayer and consistently allow the Word of God to dwell in my heart. Feelings follow submission. If I submit myself to my great God then feelings of  joy that can only be explained by Jesus will come. Those are the feelings I want to experience-the feelings of gratitude for a Savior that are so strong that they could only be coming from the Holy Spirit. "And these feelings will be reliable because they are anchored in truth." (Mahaney) Anchored. Father, shape my soul to be anchored by Your truths and not by my feelings. I praise You for Your consistencies even when my feelings aren't consistent. 

As Holy Week begins I am examining my heart to be focused on and anchored in Christ. Jesus, allow my heart to be wrecked, changed, and humble me in worship of you by drawing nearer to the Cross.

Thanks for reading! 

Love, 

Allison  

P.S: I realized I didn't post ANY of my picture from my trip so here is a gem! (courtesy of Matt Adachi!): 

Obedience.

God is so good. Sounds super cliche and like something everyone says but gosh, all I can do right now is praise God for the way He is working in my life. The joy that my Savior is bringing me right now is uncontrollable to hold in. I have had this continuous grin across my face since returning from my Spring break trip in Panama City Beach, Florida. 

This past week I had the opportunity to share the gospel on the beaches with college students. Throughout the week we attended conference sessions where we were trained in evangelism and motivated by the word of God. 

Throughout the week I uncovered some major sin issues that I was struggling with. One of the biggest things I realized was how much of my worth I was putting in my relationships with my family and friends. My relationship with God depended on how my relationships were going with those closest in my life and I quickly realized how harmful this is to my relationship with the Lord. 

Along with the sessions we also had lots of time to just hang out, laugh, and be silly. We spent our nights getting Shamrock Shakes and playing games. It was so fun just to enjoy each others company in an atmosphere that was laid back and minus the pressure of always having somewhere to be or something to do. 

Transitioning back to campus was a lot easier than I expected it to be. School work and the weather (although it wasn't that warm in PCB) were the only places that I found it difficult to transition back. I am struggling to find motivation to accomplish my school work but yesterday I sat at my favorite coffee shop and did homework for four hours and it allowed me to accomplish lots of my school work which was good. When I get those times of motivation I just have to run with it. 

In the days since being back I feel like I have been learning more about Jesus and His reasons for coming to earth. 

I started reading Living the Cross Centered Life by C.J. Mahaney over break and this book has just rocked me already and I am only on like chapter three. Here is a quote that has been centering my life since being back on campus: 

"Jesus' anguish on this earth was infinitely darker than any other death-shadowed valley you or I will pass through, but by better understanding his suffering, we'll grow in consistent joy and zeal that will equip us for whatever trials God brings our way in the process of sanctification."

So cool. As I was reading my devotional for She Reads Truth today my world was rocked again by Jesus. In this plan we are reading through the Songs of Ascents and today's reading was Psalm 131 and Philippians 2:3-11. The heading for today's devotional content was humility. Pride is something that I have struggled with a lot in the past so when anything relating to humility normally strikes a special cord in my mind. So, here is what I learned! 

When we think of Jesus as humble we think he was humble because he came down to earth as a man and our go to answer for why is because he loved us. This is true but there is so much more. In reading this I came to the realization that that this is exactly what I was thinking. I thought I fully understood humility but there is more to the story. 

Jesus came to earth and humbled himself because his Heavenly Father asked Him to. He lived and died for the glory of God. Jesus dying on the cross was an act of obedience. This is the life I want to live. I pray my life is reflective of Jesus in this life, that if my Heavenly Father asks me to do something I would do it even if it meant giving up comfort or even dying a death incomparable to all other suffering I have ever experienced like Jesus did. This obedience is where I miss the mark. Granted, I will always miss the mark, and that is why I need a Savior, but I so desire to live a life of obedience. That is the definition of humility to me- surrendering to my Savior and being obedient to his call. 

"When we think of how and why He died, our thoughts should be on how amazing it was He could follow the path set for him to the very end, even while we turned our backs on Him and He had His heart break for us." 

That's it folks. That is what I see as humility. Even though we as humans turned our back on Jesus he still followed the path laid out for Him by God for His people. For me and for you. I look at my life and I wonder if the people in my life turned their backs on me would I still sacrifice my life for them? I have struggled with the fear that people would turn on me for a long time. But right now Jesus is meeting me where I am at and proving to me that it is worth it. That even if people turn their backs on me He will remain faithful and he proved that with the Cross. 

On a closing note here is something my friend Nicole and I realized today (verbal processing is the best!):

The sufferings God put me through on this earth was preparing my heart for this realization. That in the midst of the suffering I am dealing with in this world, I was able to relate to Christ and He used my trials to help me understand just a tiny part of what Jesus went through when He went to the cross for me.

What a Savior.

Love, 

Allison