This week has been a major struggle. We got support coaches which is great and the amazing women who is my support coach is actually the women that I babysit for on a weekly basis so it is fun to get to have her helping me out.
Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out.
I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own.
A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer.
I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go.
Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed.
I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power.
This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull.
I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.
My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me.
So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue.
I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies.
The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son.
God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone.
"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
Love you all! God bless!
Allison :)
P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541
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