I think I have been avoiding blogging lately because I just don't want to admit how far away from God I feel like I am. I consistently find myself falling into the trap and lie that if I don't feel God or have an experience within His presence that He no longer needs to be a part of my daily life. He can fit into the perfect box of when I have quiet times or pray but of all other aspects I just don't need Him because I am not experiencing Him. My heart aches just writing that. My heart is so incredibly messy and so unaware of the God of the universe who is always pursuing me with a fervor that never changes.
I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God.
Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that.
If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious.
He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides.
My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter.
The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness.
I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence.
Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.
