Happy.

I talked to my mom today and she asked me if I was happy. 

For a long time being happy was not a word that I would use to describe myself but today I praise God for being so happy. 

Oh man do I have so many things to be so happy about! 

I got to meet up with a wonderful women this week and just talk about life and get to know her and it just makes me so joyful to get to hear about peoples lives and to be an encouragement to each other. 

I have tons of really amazing friends who have been so intentional this week. I have gotten emails and texts that have been so so uplifting. The thing I probably love the most is when people just send me texts telling me they love me. Such a great feeling. 

I also have been ahead on my school work this week so I feel pretty calm and therefore have had more time to spend with people and with God. 

I booked my train ticket to go home for Polar Bear weekend! For those who don't know it is a weekend retreat for Younglife! When I told Michelle's mom I was going she sent in her money to go so I am excited to spend a weekend with all of my beautiful kids. I am going to come back really happy after that weekend. Seeing teens with special needs worship Jesus brings tears to my eyes and so much joy to my heart. 

Most importantly besides all of these things I have an all powerful God. I have a God who loves me so much and no matter how much I don't feel like I am walking well with the Lord he has so much love for me. 

After a few tough weeks emotionally God has shown me how important it is to let Him bring me joy and how great his love is. Throughout many outlets this week God has shown me how much it takes to pick up the cross and follow Him.

Here is a little encouragement I came across today! Enjoy! :) 

I delight greatly in the Lord;

    my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Isaiah 61:10

Thank you for reading and if there is anything I can be praying for you about please send it my way! :) 

God is so good and I pray for you to see his goodness this week and that you find joy in that and in the gospel. 

Love, 
Allison 

Worthy.

So many great things are happening right now! Oh my gosh God is good! 

I am growing so much in my personal relationship with the Lord. 

He is revealing so much to me and it is super encouraging. 

Prayer is such a good thing and something that I have been finding lately to be non-existent in my life. I am asking the Holy Spirit to show me how to make prayer be a first instinct in my life instead of secondary to turning to friends. 

Jesus is so worthy of all my devotion and all of my attention. Jesus is so powerful that I feel so humbled that he wants to be a part of my life. Why wouldn't I want to be in conversation with him? I ask for prayer for that this week! 

I am reading the book Radical by David Platt (which i highly recommend )and have come across so many empowering things. 

I am so guilty of twisting Jesus into the God that I desire Him to be and more like myself because I am so comfortable with myself. 

When I was called to be a Christian I was called to abandon the attachments of this world. In no way did I believe this when I became a Christian. 

I am realizing more and more as I dive into the word how important it is to completely give everything I have to Jesus because He is so worth it. 

It is worth it to give everything to Jesus because he is more valuable than anything I could ever have on this earth. When I give everything to Jesus in no way am I losing but in reality I am gaining. 

The big questions is do I really believe that Jesus is worth abandoning everything for? 

As I process through this I see how much I am living a life of this world and not a life of complete commitment to the Lord. 

I am ready for the Lord to use me. I am ready to stop being comfortable and learn what it really looks like to live for a God who is worthy of all my devotion and so good to me. 

I am just an ordinary person who is being used by a God filled with love and compassion and I am so grateful that the Lord wants to use me. 

I went home this weekend so I didn't get to go to church here. I listened to the sermon online and I am just blown away by the message my pastor had to share with us. 

The sermon was about taking up your cross daily.  The pastor is doing a series about being a follower of Jesus not just a fan of Him. 

The verse he referenced was: 

"Then he said to them all: 

'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and 

take up their cross daily and follow me. 

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, 

but whoever loses it will save it'"

Luke 9:23-24

I have definitely heard this verse before but never really dived into what it meant. 

The pastor shared that the symbol for the follower of Christ is the cross. He told us two things that the cross symbolized. 

1.) The cross is a symbol of humiliation. The Romans had numerous ways of executing cheaply and quickly but the crucifixion was a more time consuming and costly death. This death was used for the Romans to show the citizens that they had power. 

2.) The cross is a symbol of suffering. Before a person was taken to be hung on the cross they would be beaten and then have to walk to their death site with the horizontal part of the cross on their arms to then be attached to the vertical part. Jesus literally took up a 125 pound cross and carried it for our lives. 

You may be thinking why in the world I would share these sad things with you? A life without suffering like Jesus did is not living a life for Jesus. Living for Jesus does not mean an easy life. Some of the suffering I go through is because of Jesus' suffering. How can I not love a God that came from the perfection of heaven to do these awful things for me. 

We were encouraged to process through if we were really carrying the cross for Jesus and when the last time that following Jesus cost us something. 

My answer was rarely. I don't know how often I have passed up opportunities because they were uncomfortable or because I would need to sacrifice something. 

When Jesus died on the cross it was not just Him dying for my sins but Him showing a way for me to live. Taking up the cross daily is not a one time decision but a daily one. I am praying for the Lord to reveal what it looks like for me to die to myself and take up the cross every day. 

Something else that I heard today when listening to a sermon that was really powerful was that I often think Gods plan is defined as what he wants me to do and where he wants me to be. Yes, that is part of it but there is something even bigger. Gods plan mainly revolves around who He wants me to be and what I am becoming. 

Gods ultimate desire is to mature me to be more like Him and I so want that! 

The final thing that I want to share with you is about an event that Cru had this week. It was called The Maze and it was a magic and illusionist show. 

I don't think I can even adequately explain to you what happened last night. Basically the first hour was magic and illusion and the second hour was him sharing the story of his battle with leukemia and how he found Christ. 

We had 188 people come to Christ through this outreach!!! God is seriously so good. Over 1,000 student heard the gospel last night!!!! :) So much to smile about and be excited about for our movement! 

Anyways, God is showing me big things in my walk this week and I am so grateful. I am continually amazed at how great God is and at how much work he can really do in my life and the lives of those around me. 

I have been able to spend lots of time with friends this week and that has been really powerful too just to hear people speak truth into my life and keep me grounded and accountable. 

I praise God for all of you who are reading! :) You are such a special part of my life! 

Love, Allison 

Powerful.

I absolutely loved this weekend!

I got to go home which was just great. My bus home was really late to pick us up and then made us transfer into a van on the way home and I was really frustrated. As I was driving home I texted my friend who I have talked about previously in this blog who is going through radiation telling her I was praying for her.

She shared with me that it was a difficult day and she really appreciated my prayers. As I was reading her text I had a major reality check. I had no right to be complaining. God really knows how to put things into perspective for me.

When I got home my brother picked me up and he shared with me that he is seriously considering going to University of Illinois for Psychology. That was really exciting to hear because we would be living closer to each other than we are now. My brother and I don't have the best relationship but it would be cool to get to see him at school and grow our relationship.

My brothers birthday was a few weeks ago and my mom wanted to take him out for dinner for his birthday. We went to this tiny Chinese restaurant and just sat and talked and ate. It was good for all of us to just sit down and be together in one place before the weekend got crazy.

We went to the grocery store and then went home and my mom and I watched some Law and Order S.V.U and I cuddled with my kittens. :)

The next morning I woke up and went and got my hair done! I was in desperate need for a haircut and I am now a brunette!!! After that I went shopping and then met up with some friends for Portillos! (I always have Portillos when I come home!) We just went over to their house and just hung out and talked and watched videos. It was a great relaxing evening.

Then the next morning I got up and went to a Down syndrome fashion show for NADs (National Association for Down Syndrome) and it was fabulous. There was people who were between four months old and forty five year olds strutting their stuff on the cat walk.

There was a lunch served and a little dance party afterwards. Here's some pictures:

                                                         Michelle and I right before eating!

Being silly with the best girl! :)

My date for the fashion show! (Elliot-one of the boys I nanny)

Michelle in her fashion show outfit!

Lily and I! (One of the girls I babysit)

After the fashion show I went to go see John, my other buddy with Down syndrome, who has been sick this week. His family was having a wine making party-they are so cool! :)

And back to campus I went to get through another week. I am learning how much I need to rely on God's strength to get me through and not my own. Michelle is coming down Friday for a hockey game so that is always exciting! I love her to bits!

This weekend I have really seen the Holy Spirit speak through my life in crazy ways. I can't reveal too much yet but some exciting things happened this weekend.

Last week I shared that I wasn't feeling super challenged by the Lord and this week I am feeling super encouraged and excited about spreading the gospel with people and digging back into the word. The Lord works in crazy ways.

I am realizing more and more how powerful the Lord really is and how much he knows what I need when I need it and that I have no reason to be anxious or plan my own life. He will provide for me and loves me so much.

I am grateful for a weekend of relaxing, realizations, and love and for feeling renewed in the promise of the gospel.

Have a wonderful week friends! I love you all!! :)

Allison

Fathers.

Most of my life my dad was great. He was someone that I looked up to and no matter what I knew he loved me. 

When my parents shared with us that we are getting divorced all of my anger went straight to my dad. Whenever my parents would fight when I was little I would often ask my dad if he and my mom were going to get a divorce and he always answered with a confident no. When they did break the news to us the word shocked does not even begin to describe the feelings I was having. 

It is really hard for me still to even open up to people about this because it is such a touchy and very difficult subject for me that so many different issues have stemmed from.  

My parents told us they were getting divorced the summer before my senior began and for all of my senior year my dad was sleeping on a mattress in our basement because we were trying to sell our house and my dad just couldn't afford to move on. The tension that was going on in my house was unbearable. 

I said things to and about my dad that should never be said to anyone. There was more hate behind those words to my dad than I had expressed to anyone before.

I had so much built up anger towards my dad. He was unfaithful in their marriage and that was just not acceptable to me. I looked to my parents as a sense of calm and something that would never change and could never be shaken and everything I had put my faith in was shattered into a million pieces. 

I spent a lot of time letting Satan put lies into my head about how much better I was than my dad and how much he deserved to be hated from me because his actions were so wrong. 

It was hard because I never got an apology from him. I so desired for him to admit that he was wrong  and thought I deserved something but as I am looking back on it as children of God when we don't apologize for our wrong doings I am still so loved by an amazing and gracious God and that is how I should be treating my earthly father. 

I found out a few months later that there was unfaithfulness on both sides of my parents marriage. I spent so much time being angry solely at my dad and my mom was definitely not innocent. At the time it was still just easier to be mad at my dad but on the flip side it was upsetting that so much of my anger was geared toward the fact that he hurt my mom. 

It took me a really long time and a really great friend to get me through experiencing grace with my dad. I still have to be reminded that my dad and my parents relationship is not what I have to become although some days it is easy to get stuck in that fear. 

My dad and I's relationship is so much better. We talk on the phone almost every day and we really share our lives together. The Lord really showed me how to experience freedom from my anger and bitterness. 

Tonight at Cru one of our wonderful staff members, Matt Sfura, talked about fathers and that really struck a cord for me. It is always a touchy subject for me to dive into and talk about because so many old emotions are felt but it is always good to be reminded about my Heavenly Father. 

Matt shared that his parents divorced some years back and so it definitely helped me to see that there can be growth from this outside of just learning to have grace. The Holy Spirit really spoke through Matt tonight and about some awesome truths about my Heavenly Father that it is easy to forget. 

He started by sharing that God is a compassionate pursuer. God desires to know me. Even when I have wronged Him and He is angry He still loves me so much. The best picture of compassion for me from God is Jesus. God didn't just leave me here on this earth to drown, He sent Jesus to live the life I live and feel the things I feel and ultimately give me the greatest gift. "For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost." (Luke 19:10)

The next truth was that God is a generous provider. He has blessed me with more than I could ever need. Not only did God give me this great life and great friends but he gave me the greatest gift I could ever need and that is Jesus and a bridge to be in relationship with my Heavenly Father. That reminder is one of the most important things that I could ever imagine. The fact that Jesus came and suffered a tortured death so that I could have communication with my God is always unfathomable and something I hope I never stop being excited about. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) 

The last truth that he talked about was that God is an unwavering protector. God is so powerful and he uses his power to lay His hands over me and protect me. He covers me with Himself so that I am kept safe. Like a parent, God gives me specific commands in the bible and ways to live my life. I am so blessed to have a handbook on how to live life on this earth-I couldn't imagine living without it. The biggest thing that Matt said tonight that hit me hard was that my earthly father may fail me but my Heavenly Father never will. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21) 

In no way am I saying through this that I don't love my dad. I am thankful for our relationship and how far it has come and I am thankful for how much Jesus has helped me grow because of it. It is crazy how Jesus does that! I praise God for my dad. Our relationship was tough and it still sometimes is because we don't always see eye to eye on things but its a work in progress. God has brought so much glory to himself through such a trying situation.

I am thankful for a staff of wonderful men and women who care to help us grow in the Lord and to seek what it is like to be in relationship with our Heavenly Father. 

Praising God today! 
Love you all! 
Allison 

Your Love Never Fails.

What a crazy past week I have had. I don't even know where to start. 

This weekend was really great. Friday night I just hung out with a small group of friends and we just went to a couple stores and watched some T.V. Chill nights are probably the best thing. I love just hanging out and not having to try but just be with good friends. 

Saturday morning Autumn and I got up and went to the train to head to Springfield. Of course it was pouring rain but it was great to just sit and talk with her and have really great intentional time with her without having anything we had to do. 

We got there and we went to some shops and then went back to her husbands families' house and got ready for the wedding. After we got all dolled up we went to Popeyes for lunch (my first time and it was so yummy!) and then we went to the ceremony. The church was so nice and weddings are just such joyful occasions. You can feel the happiness emanating off the bride and groom and their loved ones. 

They had a pretty big gap in between the wedding and the reception so we just drove around and saw some of what Springfield has to offer. We then went to this beautiful park and took some pictures and walked around. It was perfect time because all of the trees were changing and leaves were falling. We also caught the weather at a time that it wasn't raining. 

There was a bell tower there and we went in to see how much it cost but neither of us had cash on us and we were going to go back to the car and find money but this wonderful couple heard us talking and came in and gave us money to go up. It was the sweetest thing! 

The top was beautiful!! Oh my gosh the colors were so great and it was just amazing to see the capital over the tops of the orange, red, and green trees. 

After this we went to the reception and it was outside in a tent but the inside of the tent had a floor and heater so you would have never known you were outside. Thank goodness for that because it was down pouring outside! We ate and danced and really had a blast just being goofy. 

The next day we went to her church and man was it great. They talked about the Holy Spirit which is something I learned a lot about this summer and am really interested in learning more about. The pastor answered some questions about the Holy Spirit. 

The first question was 'who is the Holy Spirit?' He reminded me that the Holy Spirit is another person but is also the same as Jesus. He shared that the Holy Spirits ministry is all about pointing people to Christ. 

The second question was 'what does the Holy Spirit do?' The Holy Spirits ultimate goal is to help me be more and more like Christ. He is there to push me and challenge me. He compared the Holy Spirit to being like a coach in sports. A coach would push me, correct me, teach me, and encourage me. Whether or not you would consider yourself a Christian if you have accepted Christ in the past you have the Spirit living in you. When the Holy Spirit came into my life not only then did I have access to God but God has access to me. 

My  role is to simply allow the Holy Spirit to have more of me and allow Him to take control of my life.  

I don't have to prove my love to God-He doesn't want my performance He wants my obedience. 

This was a big reminder that the Lord spoke into my life this weekend: He said that the worst that can happen to believers is that they die and end up in eternity with the Lord. 

I definitely don't give the Holy Spirit enough credit for all of the things he helps me do on a day to day basis and throughout my life. 

I got to Skype a friend from home who I met with this summer and just talk about life and ask some questions about a book we are reading together. I am just so thankful for the way she speaks truth into my life and the way she pushes me to look at things from other perspectives. 

Tonight I got the privilege of babysitting some wonderful kids. Gosh I just love kids they are so caring. I know I have said this before but I see so much of Jesus in kids. 

Afterwards I got to get coffee with their mom, Leslie. We just go to talk to each other about life and what was going on. It is awesome to get advice from someone who has lived what you are living right now. I am always grateful for the amazing people that the Lord has put into my life. I am thankful for the great care that people have for me. 

I am learning more and more though that I need to be turning to Lord to tell Him about exciting things in my life instead of people and that is a huge struggle for me and something that I need to go about prayerfully and seek wisdom from the Lord about. 

I pray this week that you are finding satisfaction in the Lord. That is something I am definitely struggling with this week. Although all of these wonderful things are happening this week I am just not feeling the Lord working in me. One of the big things that Leslie reminded me of is that no matter how I am feeling my status and relationship with the Lord never changes. Big reality check. 

This weekend I am going home for a Down Syndrome fashion show and if you know me well you know how excited I am about it!!! My buddies Michelle and Steve are in it so it will be great to see them and just spend time loving them. 

God is way too good to me. Don't forget to praise God for the beautiful life He has given you this week. 

Sending Hugs, 

Allison

Refuge.

This week has been really tough. 

One of my dear friends, Sheila, is battling breast cancer right now. (hence the pink!) 

As I was talking with her yesterday right before she was going in for her radiation treatment I felt a sense of sadness. She was sharing with me how sore she is and how humiliating it is to have to do the treatment in the way she does. 

Probably the worst feeling is when a friend is hurting and you physically cannot be there. When my parents were going through their divorce I was at Sheilas all the time hanging out and falling in love with her son Randy, her sisters little boy James, and their family. 

Their family helped me feel a sense of normalcy. They showed me how to love well. Literally their whole family including their siblings, cousins, and parents welcomed me with open arms and allowed me to enjoy family events with them that I didn't want to do with my family. 

I cannot express in words how thankful I am to them. 

I want to ask for prayers for her. She is one the most faithful women I have ever met. She has such a beautiful heart. Despite all of the tough things that are happening to her and her sister she has remained faithful to the Lord and never fails to bring glory back to God. 

Seeing all this pink around campus has brought new meaning to me. Having dealt with cancer earlier this month with my friend John's mom passing away it is really hitting hard. Pray for cancer patients this week. Every day is a day of survival and a day to celebrate. 

I have been really convicted this week about complaining. I often will "vent" to someone about something and as I am looking back on the situation I realize how much I really complain. 

I was shown this week through a book and through talking with Sheila to be thankful for everything. Instead of complaining about it I need to figure out how to fix it and turn that complaint into a praise. Looking on the bright side is totally something that I need to constantly be reminded of. 

It shouldn't matter how bad a situation I think I am going through is, I have God on my side and nothing can really get better than that. (I am still praying that this would become heart knowledge :)) 

I have just not really been desiring the Lord this week and that is really hard for me because my relationship with the Lord has been so great since school started up again. It is always hard to go through a rough patch. 

I just feel like I am not getting much out of reading the word, my prayer life this week, or worship. I am absolutely just going through the motions this week and that is really hard. 

When you know what it feels like to be loved by and be close with the greatest God to feel disconnected is very difficult. 

I am going away for the weekend so I am praising God for the time that I will have with a great friend and for the time He is giving me to relax. 

It is hard for me to accept the fact that it is okay to be have a rough week and you do not have to live a seemingly perfect life all the time. It is okay that I am not okay and to show other that I am struggling. 

I came across this verse in my devotional yesterday and thought I would share. It is little moments and verses like this that remind me of my position in Christ even in the tough times. 

                                             "Yes, my soul, find rest in God, 

                                  my hope comes from Him, 

                          truly he is my rock and my salvation, 

                          he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. 

                       My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

                                 he is my mighty rock my refuge. 

                           Trust in Him at all times, you people;

                                pour out your hearts to Him, 

                                        for God is our refuge." 

                                               Pslam 62:5-8

Even when its hard I am seeking to find my refuge in Christ and sticking with Him always. I am learning to tell God my complaints instead of people because He understands and helps me see things from His perspective. 

Enjoy your weekends! 

Love, 

Allison 

                             

Crazy Beautiful Life.

I had such a fabulous time with my sister this weekend. It was so refreshing having her here I just loved it! She arrived her by train on Thursday night and so she got to come to Cru with me! I love when people I love get to see my life at school and Cru is definitely a huge part! 

Then we went to the Cru hangout and then came back to my room and we watched a movie and snuggled and just got to hangout and be together and that was super wonderful. 

Then on Friday I had a couple classes so she slept during my first one and then we got lunch in the dining center and then I went to my second class. After classes we went and walked around Uptown Normal and bought hoodies and looked at all the cute shops. We didn't last too long though since it was so cold out. Then we went to the mall with Autumn and shopped around, cooked dinner at Autumns, and then went to go see taken 2! Afterwords we headed to a friends place and played some games and just hung out. Overall a busy but really great day! 

Saturday was another really crazy day! We "tailgated" which to us was going over to my friends house and grilling out and just spending time together and then playing some games and then we headed to the homecoming football game. Annie and I only stayed for half the game because we were popsicles. When we got back we took a nap and then went over to our friends place again and played spoons and mafia. Then we went to have some fabulous ice cream at Emacks and then came back and went to bed. 

This morning we got to sleep in a little longer than the other days. We went to church and it was so wonderful. He talked about DTR (defining the relationship) with Jesus. He told us to reflect over three questions: 

           1. Why am I even here? (at church)-meaning am I here to really here about Jesus or just by obligation. 

           2. Are you all in?- am I being completely faithful to Jesus and not to just being a fan of Jesus? Often we pick and chose what parts of Jesus we like and then that makes us become a fan of Him. As a follower you are giving everything and doing everything for His glory whether you like it or not. 

           3. Have you made it your own?- if I am comfortable and not following till it hurts it isn't costing me anything. 

What do you think? Are you a fan or a follower? 

After church we had an amazing lunch with some of the older people in the church. They made us a homemade meal and shared their lives with us and how Jesus has worked and gave us tons of wisdom. 

Annie and I came back after church and watched yet another movie, ate dinner at the Coffee House (super yummy!) and then she was off in the night. 

As I am sitting in my bed writing this I am looking out of the window in my room at the beautiful sunset. In the background there is a song talking about how awesome the Lord most high is. I am tearing up just thinking about how amazingly motivating God is all the time. 

I am always amazed at the power that God has in my life.

God loves me so much and gives me such pure acceptance. I have learned to seek Gods acceptance verses seeking acceptance in people and in the world view.

For a long time it was really hard for me to believe in my heart that Jesus wants to know me. I would often wonder how the heck I deserved to be seen in that way by Jesus.

I know now that God loves me more than I could ever imagine and more than any person and that he has a plan for my life that far exceeds anything I could think of for myself.

Despite Gods love for us sin is something that we will always do. As a human I do things that separate me from God. Anything that I do that isn’t to do with the attitude and truths of my God is sin. Sin is something that puts a huge gap in between me and my relationship with God. Sin makes me not be able to reach God based on works because as I try to reach him I will always fail.

But then something miraculous happened, something that would forever change the hearts and lives of Christians. No longer would I have to live in sin and try to reach God by works or by my own power.

Jesus died on the cross for my sins.

So often I hear that statement and because I grew up learning these things in a church for a long time it didn’t mean very much to me.

When Jesus died on the cross suddenly there was a bridge for me to reach my great God. Jesus allowed us to have a personal relationship with Him and His Father. Jesus took the penalty of death on the cross to take my penalty of death which is sin and not being in heaven for eternity.

These are all fabulous things for us to know but just having this knowledge is not enough to get me into heaven.

I learned that I must have 100% faith in my God and receive Him as my savior. Following Christ is putting him in the center and being fully committed to living for His will.

This life that Christ has given us is one of greatness. Because of his death on the cross we are able to ask Christ to forgive us when we sin against Him and he will always do it.

I am seen as perfect by my amazing God and that is one of the greatest gifts that I could ever ask for.

The word grace is one that has been a huge part of my relationship with the Lord. Having grace for someone is accepting someone and forgiving them unconditionally no matter what they do in the past and no matter how little they deserve it. Jesus does this for us. I know how difficult it is for me to have grace in my life and something that I ask the Holy Spirit to show me often.

God’s gift in His son is everything I live for. Jesus is my all in all. Jesus doesn't call us to be perfect but he does call us to be completely focused on following him and that is something worth striving towards.

Today I am overwhelmed by the beautiful life Christ has blessed me with and that God has sent his son to give me so much joy in my everyday life through a relationship with Him. 

Thanks for reading and I love you all. 

Allison 

Testimony

So I figured it was about time that I wrote out my testimony. I don't know that I have ever actually done this but I feel like the people reading my blog deserve to know where I come from. 

As a kid my family went to church every Sunday and was very involved. My mom did MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) and my siblings and I went to AWANAs. When I was in fifth grade, for a reason I still don't know, my family decided to stop attending that church and find a new one. We never really found another one and eventually just stopped attending all together. 

It never really occurred to me in my junior high years that that was weird or that anything was wrong with us not going. 

Flash forward to sophomore year of high school. I was majorly struggling with depression. I would come home every day and go right to sleep. It seemed like I would come home, go to sleep, wake up and eat dinner, and go back to sleep. I was unsuccessful in school and was quickly submerging into a black hole. One day I couldn't do it anymore and decided to seek some help. 

I went to the school's social worker and sat with her and cried for a long time. It was helping me to cope with a lot of the negative thoughts I was having. I began to seek counseling outside of school as well. 

One day my friend invited me to come to her winter retreat with her. Her step of faith really changed my life. I went on the retreat and was, for the first time, finding joy in the Lord. In no way did I know what walking with the Lord really meant but I knew that I was finding happiness for the first time in a very long time. 

Throughout high school I was living what I would call a moral life. I wasn't drinking or swearing or doing things my peers were doing. Before I came to college that is how I thought I was supposed to be living. I didn't understand that Christianity is not what you do but instead your personal relationship with the Lord. 

High school was very difficult for me. I went through lots of friendships and wasn't being filled by those friendships and really not being fully filled by the Lord. After losing many friends that weren't good friends and constantly used me I started getting to know the kids with special needs at my school. That is when a lot of what Christianity was clicked for me. I saw Jesus' unconditional love through the kids and was living off of that. 

My senior year was by far the toughest. The summer before it was one that I expected to be fun, filled with friends and the best job ever! Little did I know God was going to shake my life upside down once again as I was just starting to feel stable. 

My parents told my siblings and I that they were going to get divorced. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever heard. For that next year I spent it all being angry and unhappy. 

There was unfaithfulness on both sides of my parents marriage and I had a really hard time seeing that their sin wasn't any better than any of mine. For that year our house was on the market and my dad was living in our basement and it was so hard to see him every day knowing how torn our family was.  

My house was so broken. My heart was so broken. I spent so much time crying and filling my brain with lies about how horrible my dad was and how terrible it was that he had turned on our family and how bad what we were going through was. 

That fall a tragedy hit my family and my brother tried to take his own life. Thankfully he was unsuccessful but it hurt seeing him so sad. 

Finally our house sold and my dad moved out and we were able to start moving on with our lives. I started going to therapy again to work through all of the anger I was experiencing. 

It wasn't until college that I was able to really experience the grace that Jesus has given us. 

Coming to college was a huge breakthrough moment. Being away from my dad helped me to see that I had no right to be so angry at him and he is loved by God too. 

I still experience trust issues with friendships from this. I still am terrified that people are going to turn on me and not be true friends to me. However, I am thankful to God for showing me true friendships at school but most of all showing me that above anyone on this earth I am able to trust Him. 

Finding Cru was probably the biggest blessing. I had definitely heard the gospel coming into school but never really knew what it meant to live and breathe for Jesus. 

This girl, who is my best friend today, asked me for my phone number at the freshman picnic that Cru holds every year. She was so persistent and would text me every time a Cru event was being held. 

After a couple of months I was between two ministries and decided to go with Cru. Throughout the course of the year I was involved in a bible study and was mentored by a wonderful upperclassmen who poured so much truth into my life. She really showed me Jesus and a lot about grace and what sin looked like and how to combat it. 

I learned and grew so much. I was in the word (and actually understanding it!!), reading books recommended by a wonderful friend, and taking steps of faith I never even knew were possible. 

The Holy Spirit really worked in my life last year and I am finding so much more joy in life thanks to my gracious, loving God! 

I love you all! 
Allison 

Just What I Needed.

At bible study on Monday we talked a lot about pride and righteousness. Being completely honest, pride is a huge sin struggle for me. I see it in myself all the time and I am in constant prayer asking the Lord to help me battle against it and to point it out in my life. We talked about how people often tend to make "spiritual resumes" because we think it will get us closer to the Lord. ("If I read my bible everyday I will be closer to the Lord") In no way am I saying spiritual disciplines (prayer, reading your bible, going to church, etc.) aren't important, they most certainly are, but when these things are feeling like a checklist  that is when the red flag goes up. I totally do this. On weeks where I am feeling off or somehow separated from God I often think I just have to get these things done and I am all good and that is just not the case. If my heart isn't in on these disciplines  and I am not  relying on the Lord and trusting Him there is little increase to my relationship with Christ. It is easy to get caught up in this trap but I cannot reach my God through works, that is just not how it works. 

Pride is pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself. (thanks dictionary.com) I cannot take credit for anything I do because it is all the Lord working in me and that is where pride gets me. I think I am doing it all on my own and with my own power and that that is pretty great and not giving glory to God for it. In prayer I am asking the Lord to show me that I am not as good as I think I am and to remind me of how powerful He is. A Tim Keller quote stuck out to me that has been a great reminder: "We are more wicked than we ever dared to believe, but more loved than we ever dared hope." I am reminded that I am a sinner and this world makes me so wicked but because of the Holy Spirit and Gods amazing grace he loves me more than I can ever imagine and I need to give him glory for all the amazing things he helps me accomplish. 

I listened to another Passion podcast that my wonderful friend sent me. The title of it was: "The Next Christians: How a generation is restoring faith." It was all about how different college students are today and how to be a Christian in this day. A big question he raised was:  "What does it look like to move forward being faithful to the gospel and having credibility to share with others?" He shared how college students are generally skeptical towards anyone or anything that claims something of absolute certainty. Meaning, I am 100% certain in Christ and that kind of freaks people out. He also talked about how in this day so many religions are just accepted in society where as in the past Christianity and Christian ideas were the things that built people up. This next part really got to me. He went on to explain the views that non-Christians tend to have a Christians based on a recent survey. They stated Christians were old fashioned, too political, and only interested in getting them saved, not being their friends. That is so sad to me and I sincerely apologize to those who were made to feel that way. People should be seeing Jesus in me not judgement. 

On to this weekend!! Cru had a weekend retreat called fall getaway this weekend. It was so wonderful to get off campus and just refresh and relax without feeling any pressure. First of all, the speaker was wonderful. He was from University of Illinois Cru and really presented the gospel in such a relatable way. He shared how when I accepted Christ my life my body was no longer mine-it was Gods. In the gospel God gives us himself in Jesus to live a life we couldn't live on our own, perfect and sinless. Isn't that pretty great?! He also shared that God's ultimate motive in being in our lives is to bring glory to Himself. He pointed out something very cool in a perspective I had never really thought of. He said that God is self-centered (or God centered) because if God values anything more important than Himself He would be practicing idolatry. God would be unrighteous if He didn't praise Himself because there is nothing greater than His own glory. WOW. God is so majestic that He is worthy of all the glory!! 

We also had a great opportunity to go sit out by a lake on a beautiful sunny day and just spend time with the Lord. It was so nice that they cut out that time for us because it is so easy to get caught up in the weekend and not take enough time by yourself, just you and the Lord. I was praying and asking the Lord to continue to cut down my pride, help me have grace in a relationship I am really struggling with, and to help me trust Him with some things that are happening in the future. I am reading Matthew right now and I came across these three verses all in one chapter: 

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them." (Matthew 6:1)

"If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles on its own." (Matthew 6:34) 

Crazy right? God knows how to give me just what I need at just the right time. The coolest thing was this was all Jesus giving advice to his disciples. I was given advice straight from Jesus. Oh man what a blessing. 

The final thing to talk about this weekend was the social stuff. Friday and Saturday night we all hung out at The Lodge which was a place with games and food and just hanging out. It is always fun to get to hang out with people when they are not focused on school and just focused on the present time and being there. Life should always be like that but there is always another thing you have to do. I got the privilege of getting to know some of our staff's kids this weekend. I just love kids and definitely miss my sweet kids back home. It was kind of nice on my getaway to spend some time away from the typical college life of always being with college students and be goofy with some kids. Kids always remind me of what it looks like to have unconditional love and what Jesus' love looks like. No matter how I sin or what I do I am always loved. 

Praise to God for giving me just what I needed this weekend and I hope those who were there (or not!) got just what they needed from God this weekend. 

Love you all! 
Allison