Fathers.

Most of my life my dad was great. He was someone that I looked up to and no matter what I knew he loved me. 

When my parents shared with us that we are getting divorced all of my anger went straight to my dad. Whenever my parents would fight when I was little I would often ask my dad if he and my mom were going to get a divorce and he always answered with a confident no. When they did break the news to us the word shocked does not even begin to describe the feelings I was having. 

It is really hard for me still to even open up to people about this because it is such a touchy and very difficult subject for me that so many different issues have stemmed from.  

My parents told us they were getting divorced the summer before my senior began and for all of my senior year my dad was sleeping on a mattress in our basement because we were trying to sell our house and my dad just couldn't afford to move on. The tension that was going on in my house was unbearable. 

I said things to and about my dad that should never be said to anyone. There was more hate behind those words to my dad than I had expressed to anyone before.

I had so much built up anger towards my dad. He was unfaithful in their marriage and that was just not acceptable to me. I looked to my parents as a sense of calm and something that would never change and could never be shaken and everything I had put my faith in was shattered into a million pieces. 

I spent a lot of time letting Satan put lies into my head about how much better I was than my dad and how much he deserved to be hated from me because his actions were so wrong. 

It was hard because I never got an apology from him. I so desired for him to admit that he was wrong  and thought I deserved something but as I am looking back on it as children of God when we don't apologize for our wrong doings I am still so loved by an amazing and gracious God and that is how I should be treating my earthly father. 

I found out a few months later that there was unfaithfulness on both sides of my parents marriage. I spent so much time being angry solely at my dad and my mom was definitely not innocent. At the time it was still just easier to be mad at my dad but on the flip side it was upsetting that so much of my anger was geared toward the fact that he hurt my mom. 

It took me a really long time and a really great friend to get me through experiencing grace with my dad. I still have to be reminded that my dad and my parents relationship is not what I have to become although some days it is easy to get stuck in that fear. 

My dad and I's relationship is so much better. We talk on the phone almost every day and we really share our lives together. The Lord really showed me how to experience freedom from my anger and bitterness. 

Tonight at Cru one of our wonderful staff members, Matt Sfura, talked about fathers and that really struck a cord for me. It is always a touchy subject for me to dive into and talk about because so many old emotions are felt but it is always good to be reminded about my Heavenly Father. 

Matt shared that his parents divorced some years back and so it definitely helped me to see that there can be growth from this outside of just learning to have grace. The Holy Spirit really spoke through Matt tonight and about some awesome truths about my Heavenly Father that it is easy to forget. 

He started by sharing that God is a compassionate pursuer. God desires to know me. Even when I have wronged Him and He is angry He still loves me so much. The best picture of compassion for me from God is Jesus. God didn't just leave me here on this earth to drown, He sent Jesus to live the life I live and feel the things I feel and ultimately give me the greatest gift. "For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost." (Luke 19:10)

The next truth was that God is a generous provider. He has blessed me with more than I could ever need. Not only did God give me this great life and great friends but he gave me the greatest gift I could ever need and that is Jesus and a bridge to be in relationship with my Heavenly Father. That reminder is one of the most important things that I could ever imagine. The fact that Jesus came and suffered a tortured death so that I could have communication with my God is always unfathomable and something I hope I never stop being excited about. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) 

The last truth that he talked about was that God is an unwavering protector. God is so powerful and he uses his power to lay His hands over me and protect me. He covers me with Himself so that I am kept safe. Like a parent, God gives me specific commands in the bible and ways to live my life. I am so blessed to have a handbook on how to live life on this earth-I couldn't imagine living without it. The biggest thing that Matt said tonight that hit me hard was that my earthly father may fail me but my Heavenly Father never will. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21) 

In no way am I saying through this that I don't love my dad. I am thankful for our relationship and how far it has come and I am thankful for how much Jesus has helped me grow because of it. It is crazy how Jesus does that! I praise God for my dad. Our relationship was tough and it still sometimes is because we don't always see eye to eye on things but its a work in progress. God has brought so much glory to himself through such a trying situation.

I am thankful for a staff of wonderful men and women who care to help us grow in the Lord and to seek what it is like to be in relationship with our Heavenly Father. 

Praising God today! 
Love you all! 
Allison