Weak.

Normally when I hear the word weak a negative connotation comes to mind. Incapable, lacking, inadequate, feeble. So, when I opened up my bible app to the She Reads Truth study entitled "Lord, make us weak" I was skeptical. 

In many ways the Lord has been pointing out my weaknesses to me this week. I have been very aware this week of my thought life. It has pushed me to see how on my own I am so weak. This next instance is a tough one for me to talk about because it just hurts and i'd rather stuff it away but I see so much fruit come out of being vulnerable so here comes the big one that made me feel so inadequate. I went home with a couple friends on Monday because they needed to go to the Apple store. I was so excited because I was going to surprise my sister and my mom. I had such high expectations for a great reaction from them. (Why do I always let expectations mess with me?!) 

And so, I show up at the pizza booth my sister is working at at the fair in my town and she is so excited to see me! She was surprised and it was fun to see her working and enjoying what she was doing. Then the tough part came. My friends dropped me off at home and I knocked on the door and my heart started pounding. I was so excited to be embraced by my mom. She cracks open the door and instead of the smile I was preparing for as I said "surprise!" she instead got really upset with me. Something that I thought would be a blessing to both of us ended up with hurt. She explained to me how she was so hurt that I would just show up and that she didn't really want me there. 

My heart dropped to the floor. 

How could someone who is supposed to love me be so hurtful. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. So I told her that I would leave. And I did. And she didn't come after me. 

I felt more unwanted and unloved in that moment than any other time. 

Why doesn't she want me? It just didn't add up in my head. I felt weak. I felt defeated. I felt like I did something wrong. 

It took my mom over a half hour to finally contact me with at least five text messages throughout the day apologizing and begging me to come back and spend time with her. I just didn't respond. Why would I want to spend time with someone who made me feel unwelcome in my own home? I just couldn't process that. 

When I got in my friends car again they reminded me that they loved me but I just couldn't get over the feeling of defeat and how let down I was feeling. I just wanted the feelings to stop and to feel loved by my family consistently for once. There goes the expectation problem again. 

Praise God for pointing me back to the gospel in this. 

The next day I was pointed to two pieces of scripture that reminded me of my position as a daughter of a perfect heavenly Parent. 

Romans 5:6-8

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While we were still weak. Not after I conquered this life and became strong on my own. He died in the midst of our weakness and that offers so much hope. 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have so many thrones going on right now...and I have a choice to let these weaknesses define me or to to seek strength during these weaknesses from Christ. Maybe that is why God is allowing Satan to put me through these hard things. God wants me to evidently see His strength through my weakness. 

And that is beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses hard things for His glory. 

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me your strength when I am weak. You are never weak and you never leave me alone in this. Thank you for embracing me as your daughter when I come home. All praise to You. 

Thanks for reading sweet friends! So thankful for you! 

Love, 

Allison