Messy Hearts.

I think I have been avoiding blogging lately because I just don't want to admit how far away from God I feel like I am. I consistently find myself falling into the trap and lie that if I don't feel God or have an experience within His presence that He no longer needs to be a part of my daily life. He can fit into the perfect box of when I have quiet times or pray but of all other aspects I just don't need Him because I am not experiencing Him. My heart aches just writing that. My heart is so incredibly messy and so unaware of the God of the universe who is always pursuing me with a fervor that never changes. 

I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God. 

Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that. 

If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious. 

He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides. 

My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter. 

The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness. 

I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence. 

Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.

His Will.

Hi friends! 

I am going to be honest I don't have anything super fancy to write here, I am just happy and I want to share that with you. I am processing through life and just realizing how truly thankful I am for God's grace and for the place He has me in right in this moment. 

There are lots of things coming at me right now. Deciding whether to sign the lease on my house again because I don't know where my field base will be, figuring out post-graduation plans, figuring out what it looks like to follow God well as I become more involved in my major and give him control of my school work when it feels like I can do it on my own, figuring out what it looks like to follow the Lord as a single women in a world that is pressuring me to get married. So. Many. Things. 

In the midst of all these crazy things though, the Holy Spirit is giving me a sense of peace that I can't put words to. He is teaching me to live in His embrace and just how much he adores me. That is where this sense of calm is coming from. From me living in light of the gospel and taking time to point myself back to Him through scripture and prayer. My heart is so happy and I praise God for giving me contentment in this place. 

As I look at that massive list of things swirling through my head there is one common theme of all of them: unbelief. Unbelief that God has my life under control. Unbelief that He has perfect timing for everything that I have on my plate. Unbelief that He is powerful to use these things for His good. These are all lies, and I am believing them. 

So, I look to the truth. God has where I am going to live next year in His plan for me and has it under control. God knows what my school life will look like and continually pushes me to surrender it to Him. God will determine if He desires me to be single or not and if a relationship will come my way, He will use it glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel and if not, He will still use my life to glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel, and that is okay. 

Ultimately, God's got it all. And no matter what things look like for the rest of my life, I pray that I would see Him shaping me and transforming me for the sake of making the gospel known. That is what I am designed for and I trust that He will do this within His perfect will. 

Friends, what things are you not believing about Jesus right now? What is He calling you to give up to Him in order to see what His will is for it rather than your own? 

Think about it. Process it with the Lord. Ask Him what He wants you to surrender. Prayerfully seek Him and seek peace in the Holy Spirit. This sense of peace will allow you to focus on God rather than on your anxieties and give God glory through it. After you process with the Lord I would love to process through things with and praying with you through the surrender. 

Love,

Allison

Weak.

Normally when I hear the word weak a negative connotation comes to mind. Incapable, lacking, inadequate, feeble. So, when I opened up my bible app to the She Reads Truth study entitled "Lord, make us weak" I was skeptical. 

In many ways the Lord has been pointing out my weaknesses to me this week. I have been very aware this week of my thought life. It has pushed me to see how on my own I am so weak. This next instance is a tough one for me to talk about because it just hurts and i'd rather stuff it away but I see so much fruit come out of being vulnerable so here comes the big one that made me feel so inadequate. I went home with a couple friends on Monday because they needed to go to the Apple store. I was so excited because I was going to surprise my sister and my mom. I had such high expectations for a great reaction from them. (Why do I always let expectations mess with me?!) 

And so, I show up at the pizza booth my sister is working at at the fair in my town and she is so excited to see me! She was surprised and it was fun to see her working and enjoying what she was doing. Then the tough part came. My friends dropped me off at home and I knocked on the door and my heart started pounding. I was so excited to be embraced by my mom. She cracks open the door and instead of the smile I was preparing for as I said "surprise!" she instead got really upset with me. Something that I thought would be a blessing to both of us ended up with hurt. She explained to me how she was so hurt that I would just show up and that she didn't really want me there. 

My heart dropped to the floor. 

How could someone who is supposed to love me be so hurtful. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. So I told her that I would leave. And I did. And she didn't come after me. 

I felt more unwanted and unloved in that moment than any other time. 

Why doesn't she want me? It just didn't add up in my head. I felt weak. I felt defeated. I felt like I did something wrong. 

It took my mom over a half hour to finally contact me with at least five text messages throughout the day apologizing and begging me to come back and spend time with her. I just didn't respond. Why would I want to spend time with someone who made me feel unwelcome in my own home? I just couldn't process that. 

When I got in my friends car again they reminded me that they loved me but I just couldn't get over the feeling of defeat and how let down I was feeling. I just wanted the feelings to stop and to feel loved by my family consistently for once. There goes the expectation problem again. 

Praise God for pointing me back to the gospel in this. 

The next day I was pointed to two pieces of scripture that reminded me of my position as a daughter of a perfect heavenly Parent. 

Romans 5:6-8

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While we were still weak. Not after I conquered this life and became strong on my own. He died in the midst of our weakness and that offers so much hope. 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have so many thrones going on right now...and I have a choice to let these weaknesses define me or to to seek strength during these weaknesses from Christ. Maybe that is why God is allowing Satan to put me through these hard things. God wants me to evidently see His strength through my weakness. 

And that is beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses hard things for His glory. 

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me your strength when I am weak. You are never weak and you never leave me alone in this. Thank you for embracing me as your daughter when I come home. All praise to You. 

Thanks for reading sweet friends! So thankful for you! 

Love, 

Allison 

Helping Hand.

Friends, the Holy Spirit was working in my heart this morning and I just really want to share with you and I pray you can be encouraged by this as well...:)

So, I was journaling this morning (probably one of my favorite things to do) and processing life with the Lord. Since being back to campus processing is something that has not been a part of life. I have been going through days unaware of how I am feeling and allowing myself to get wrapped in a lot of sin through my thoughts so this morning was much needed.

I was processing through the rut that I have been in and just feeling like I am in a ditch with no way to get out. I suddenly had this vision of a hand coming into the ditch and pulling me up. That hand was the hand of Jesus. It was a reminder that Jesus is my only hope for pulling me out of this place I am in. Not only is He capable of doing this but He wants to. What a Savior.

As I was preparing to get in scripture, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to Holy Words that would speak to me where I am at. My Provider gave me words to live by today.

"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6 (ESV)

This is exactly what I needed.

Holy Spirit, you are pretty cool. Restore my faith. Give me trust. You are powerful. Help me to view you as consistent amidst the craziness of life.

God is good, friends...even in seasons of darkness.

Love you all! :)
Allison

Evidences of God's glory.

Friends, I am just so happy! God is working in crazy ways in my life and using me for His glory on the campus of Illinois State University. Of course there is always hard things so I will start there and save the best for last. 

Things with my family have been challenging for so many years and I always put unrealistic expectations on things getting "better". That is a lie that I commonly believe. But that is not something I am promised. I am not promised that life will be clean. My family life is so messy and it seems like there is something new every week that drags me down and it hurts.  It is easy for me to start believing the lie that God abandons me in those moments. That things with my family are just too much to handle. But the beautiful thing about that is it is not true. God can and has been using my story to help girls since I have been back into campus and I know he is going to continue to use these hard things to help me to express the concept of grace to other people. 

I have also been struggling a lot with people letting me down. Even in small things. It is so challenging because it stings extra hard for me when I am let down because of how let down I constantly feel from my family. My prayer is that my expectations for people would be non-existent and that I could be comforted by the fact that Christ will never leave my side. People will always let me down but there is so much beauty in the fact that God will never ever let me down. That is something I need to be constantly reminded of. (How many times have I typed these words?!)

So onto the ahhhhmazing things that are happening here. I am leading a bible study and we have had an incredible turn out of women coming desiring the Lord and desiring to learn about His word. The first week on campus I was crazy stressed because I was planning all sorts of events for Cru and it is so great to see the outcome of these parties. Women are seeking the Gospel and that is what I have been praying for. 

I have also been challenged with learning about how perfect God's timing is. The last two days I have slept through my alarm and woken up about thirty minutes late. Yesterday I showed up to class and it ended up being cancelled and I got to spend time in the Word. Today I woke up around the same time (late! ahh!) and had to go get a Criminal Background Check. I was really frustrated because I got there and there was already a two hour wait. Seriously INSANE! But...the good news is God gave me time to spend time with Him before my class. After I came back from class my name still hadn't been called and I was meeting with a girl at eleven. She came and met with me where the background check was and the Holy Spirit just showed up so evidently through this girl and through the Word. 

I am seriously humbled by the way God is choosing to use me for His glory since being back on campus. He does not need me but chooses to use me and encourages me along the way through His word and friends asking me how I am doing and caring about my life. So, thank you if you are someone who has simply asked me how I am doing since being back. It means more than you know to know I am cared about. That is something I need to be reminded of all the time. 

I have been really motivated by Psalm 63 and Psalm 118 since being back on campus.  (Go-read them!!!)  God has brought me to moments of tears realizing how much I need Him and has used scripture to show me that and I am in awe of how cool it is that I am able to experience God speaking to me through this Holy book. God is stretching me and pushing me to take advantage of His grace and the time He has allotted me to spend with Him. Even walking to campus as I see Watterson (the dorm I am leading in) in the distance I am motivated to pray for campus and that is not something that I used to doing. He is shaping me heart friends and it is the coolest! 

God is truly good, all the time and that has been SO evident since being back. He has taught me to process life with Him and not just rely on people for that. The first week on campus even though I was around people the whole time, I still felt incredibly lonely. I couldn't believe it. But, not surprising, God is using that to teach me to process through things I am feeling with Him and get perspective on that before bringing it to others. It really helps because then I see what things are coming out of a complaining or self-pity motivation or if they are really constructive to bring up. 

Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me daily what it looks like to live as the daughter of a perfect Heavenly King. 

Friends, if you are struggling bring it to the Lord. He wants to hear from you just like your friends want to hear from you. Bring struggles to Him first. If you need prayer please let me know. I would love to be lifting your name up into the heavens. 

Love you all!! :)

Allison 

Lead Me to the Cross.

Hello amazing lovely people! I am kind of in a very weird place right now. I am not feeling happy nor sad...I am just existing. This seems to be a common theme in my life. I will go through really happy seasons and then through very mundane seasons. I just cannot seem to experience consistency in my emotions and it is truly exhausting. 

I did start the 1,000 gifts challenge and it does help me to seek joy in little things...when I make time to actually do it. That has been the struggle of my summer since returning back from Berlin. Making time for Jesus and not believing that He is worthy of my attention and complete devotion and love. 

So, where do I go from here. I wish that I had the answer. The only answer that I have is to look toward the cross. This past week I was at Younglife camp with 28 students with special needs. For those who know me well you know that this is just a dream. I absolutely adore every single one of these students and it is cool for me to experience the cross in that. 

I truly believe that the love I have for my sweet kiddos is reflective of how much Christ loves me. Even after a melt down I still love them, even after being pushed I still love them, and even after living with them 24/7 I still love them the same. And that is how Christ views me. 

When I melt down and stray from Him, He loves me the same. When I push Him away because of unbelief, He loves me the same, and when He lives with me 24/7 and sees just how broken I am, He loves me the same. And this is all possible because of the cross and because of grace. 

Praise God for grace. I would be so lost without Jesus taking my sin and wiping my slate completely clean. And not only does He wipe my slate clean but He gives me life and a relationship with Himself. A perfect relationship that I will never experience with anyone else. 

So, as I look at how broken I am and how lost I have been since returning from Berlin, I run after the cross and bring my mind back to focusing on Christ. Back to the God who welcomes me back into His presence with open arms. So many students experienced the love of Christ this week and it was beautiful to hear the Gospel and be truly renewed by the love my Father has for me. 

As I close, I would love to share with you some highlights of my gift list: 

42. Choosing joy over complaining and self-pity. 

50. Hammocking on the beach and watching my kiddos swim. 

57. Having a massive dance party with all of the Younglife kids outside with glow sticks. Firework by Katy Perry comes on and fireworks go off over the lake. Absolute perfection. 

72. Seeing one of our girls hear about the cross and start crying. When asked why she responded "Jesus died". Just beautiful. 

80. Experience my kids singing "How He loves" as a wonderful ending to camp. (This song was a theme for our club this year so they are super familiar with it.)

86. The way the Lord consistently pursues me. 

87. Being reminded why students with special needs are worth pursuing with the gospel and that my passion for them can be used for God's glory. 

Thank you so much for reading and living life with me. I love sharing my heart with you and I pray it is encouraging to you!! :) 

Love you all,
Allison 

P.S. If you need prayer PLEASE let me know I would love to be praying for you! 

Daily Mercies.

Oh my word has it been a long time since I have posted. That is so not me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I wasn't posting my updates for Berlin on my blog so there goes six weeks and as for the threeish weeks I have been home well, that just goes to laziness and business. 

Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch. 

My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God. 

Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan. 

In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it. 

Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away. 

In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift. 

I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too. 

Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight: 

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

 Romans 5:1-5

Aren't these sweet words? God is present. He is here and I am grateful for grace. 

One more thing, I am reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Maybe you have heard of it but if not its a book about writing a list of one thousand things you are thankful for. And I am taking the challenge for a more joy filled life from acknowledging things I am grateful for. Even the little things. So, I will be posting some of them on my blog! Isn't that fun?! If you want to join me I would love it. Or ask me about it sometime...I will need some accountability. ;)

I praise God for you sweet people in my life. I truly love you all. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your sweet presence in my life. You are all such an amazing blessing and joy. Love you all! 

In Him,

Allison