Helping Hand.

Friends, the Holy Spirit was working in my heart this morning and I just really want to share with you and I pray you can be encouraged by this as well...:)

So, I was journaling this morning (probably one of my favorite things to do) and processing life with the Lord. Since being back to campus processing is something that has not been a part of life. I have been going through days unaware of how I am feeling and allowing myself to get wrapped in a lot of sin through my thoughts so this morning was much needed.

I was processing through the rut that I have been in and just feeling like I am in a ditch with no way to get out. I suddenly had this vision of a hand coming into the ditch and pulling me up. That hand was the hand of Jesus. It was a reminder that Jesus is my only hope for pulling me out of this place I am in. Not only is He capable of doing this but He wants to. What a Savior.

As I was preparing to get in scripture, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to Holy Words that would speak to me where I am at. My Provider gave me words to live by today.

"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6 (ESV)

This is exactly what I needed.

Holy Spirit, you are pretty cool. Restore my faith. Give me trust. You are powerful. Help me to view you as consistent amidst the craziness of life.

God is good, friends...even in seasons of darkness.

Love you all! :)
Allison

Evidences of God's glory.

Friends, I am just so happy! God is working in crazy ways in my life and using me for His glory on the campus of Illinois State University. Of course there is always hard things so I will start there and save the best for last. 

Things with my family have been challenging for so many years and I always put unrealistic expectations on things getting "better". That is a lie that I commonly believe. But that is not something I am promised. I am not promised that life will be clean. My family life is so messy and it seems like there is something new every week that drags me down and it hurts.  It is easy for me to start believing the lie that God abandons me in those moments. That things with my family are just too much to handle. But the beautiful thing about that is it is not true. God can and has been using my story to help girls since I have been back into campus and I know he is going to continue to use these hard things to help me to express the concept of grace to other people. 

I have also been struggling a lot with people letting me down. Even in small things. It is so challenging because it stings extra hard for me when I am let down because of how let down I constantly feel from my family. My prayer is that my expectations for people would be non-existent and that I could be comforted by the fact that Christ will never leave my side. People will always let me down but there is so much beauty in the fact that God will never ever let me down. That is something I need to be constantly reminded of. (How many times have I typed these words?!)

So onto the ahhhhmazing things that are happening here. I am leading a bible study and we have had an incredible turn out of women coming desiring the Lord and desiring to learn about His word. The first week on campus I was crazy stressed because I was planning all sorts of events for Cru and it is so great to see the outcome of these parties. Women are seeking the Gospel and that is what I have been praying for. 

I have also been challenged with learning about how perfect God's timing is. The last two days I have slept through my alarm and woken up about thirty minutes late. Yesterday I showed up to class and it ended up being cancelled and I got to spend time in the Word. Today I woke up around the same time (late! ahh!) and had to go get a Criminal Background Check. I was really frustrated because I got there and there was already a two hour wait. Seriously INSANE! But...the good news is God gave me time to spend time with Him before my class. After I came back from class my name still hadn't been called and I was meeting with a girl at eleven. She came and met with me where the background check was and the Holy Spirit just showed up so evidently through this girl and through the Word. 

I am seriously humbled by the way God is choosing to use me for His glory since being back on campus. He does not need me but chooses to use me and encourages me along the way through His word and friends asking me how I am doing and caring about my life. So, thank you if you are someone who has simply asked me how I am doing since being back. It means more than you know to know I am cared about. That is something I need to be reminded of all the time. 

I have been really motivated by Psalm 63 and Psalm 118 since being back on campus.  (Go-read them!!!)  God has brought me to moments of tears realizing how much I need Him and has used scripture to show me that and I am in awe of how cool it is that I am able to experience God speaking to me through this Holy book. God is stretching me and pushing me to take advantage of His grace and the time He has allotted me to spend with Him. Even walking to campus as I see Watterson (the dorm I am leading in) in the distance I am motivated to pray for campus and that is not something that I used to doing. He is shaping me heart friends and it is the coolest! 

God is truly good, all the time and that has been SO evident since being back. He has taught me to process life with Him and not just rely on people for that. The first week on campus even though I was around people the whole time, I still felt incredibly lonely. I couldn't believe it. But, not surprising, God is using that to teach me to process through things I am feeling with Him and get perspective on that before bringing it to others. It really helps because then I see what things are coming out of a complaining or self-pity motivation or if they are really constructive to bring up. 

Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me daily what it looks like to live as the daughter of a perfect Heavenly King. 

Friends, if you are struggling bring it to the Lord. He wants to hear from you just like your friends want to hear from you. Bring struggles to Him first. If you need prayer please let me know. I would love to be lifting your name up into the heavens. 

Love you all!! :)

Allison 

Lead Me to the Cross.

Hello amazing lovely people! I am kind of in a very weird place right now. I am not feeling happy nor sad...I am just existing. This seems to be a common theme in my life. I will go through really happy seasons and then through very mundane seasons. I just cannot seem to experience consistency in my emotions and it is truly exhausting. 

I did start the 1,000 gifts challenge and it does help me to seek joy in little things...when I make time to actually do it. That has been the struggle of my summer since returning back from Berlin. Making time for Jesus and not believing that He is worthy of my attention and complete devotion and love. 

So, where do I go from here. I wish that I had the answer. The only answer that I have is to look toward the cross. This past week I was at Younglife camp with 28 students with special needs. For those who know me well you know that this is just a dream. I absolutely adore every single one of these students and it is cool for me to experience the cross in that. 

I truly believe that the love I have for my sweet kiddos is reflective of how much Christ loves me. Even after a melt down I still love them, even after being pushed I still love them, and even after living with them 24/7 I still love them the same. And that is how Christ views me. 

When I melt down and stray from Him, He loves me the same. When I push Him away because of unbelief, He loves me the same, and when He lives with me 24/7 and sees just how broken I am, He loves me the same. And this is all possible because of the cross and because of grace. 

Praise God for grace. I would be so lost without Jesus taking my sin and wiping my slate completely clean. And not only does He wipe my slate clean but He gives me life and a relationship with Himself. A perfect relationship that I will never experience with anyone else. 

So, as I look at how broken I am and how lost I have been since returning from Berlin, I run after the cross and bring my mind back to focusing on Christ. Back to the God who welcomes me back into His presence with open arms. So many students experienced the love of Christ this week and it was beautiful to hear the Gospel and be truly renewed by the love my Father has for me. 

As I close, I would love to share with you some highlights of my gift list: 

42. Choosing joy over complaining and self-pity. 

50. Hammocking on the beach and watching my kiddos swim. 

57. Having a massive dance party with all of the Younglife kids outside with glow sticks. Firework by Katy Perry comes on and fireworks go off over the lake. Absolute perfection. 

72. Seeing one of our girls hear about the cross and start crying. When asked why she responded "Jesus died". Just beautiful. 

80. Experience my kids singing "How He loves" as a wonderful ending to camp. (This song was a theme for our club this year so they are super familiar with it.)

86. The way the Lord consistently pursues me. 

87. Being reminded why students with special needs are worth pursuing with the gospel and that my passion for them can be used for God's glory. 

Thank you so much for reading and living life with me. I love sharing my heart with you and I pray it is encouraging to you!! :) 

Love you all,
Allison 

P.S. If you need prayer PLEASE let me know I would love to be praying for you! 

Daily Mercies.

Oh my word has it been a long time since I have posted. That is so not me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I wasn't posting my updates for Berlin on my blog so there goes six weeks and as for the threeish weeks I have been home well, that just goes to laziness and business. 

Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch. 

My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God. 

Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan. 

In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it. 

Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away. 

In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift. 

I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too. 

Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight: 

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

 Romans 5:1-5

Aren't these sweet words? God is present. He is here and I am grateful for grace. 

One more thing, I am reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Maybe you have heard of it but if not its a book about writing a list of one thousand things you are thankful for. And I am taking the challenge for a more joy filled life from acknowledging things I am grateful for. Even the little things. So, I will be posting some of them on my blog! Isn't that fun?! If you want to join me I would love it. Or ask me about it sometime...I will need some accountability. ;)

I praise God for you sweet people in my life. I truly love you all. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your sweet presence in my life. You are all such an amazing blessing and joy. Love you all! 

In Him,

Allison 

Big News!!

Friends...I have some pretty grand news to share...

I AM FULLY SUPPORTED FOR BERLIN!!!!!

My heart is just ready to burst with joy. My smile has been off the wall pretty much all night. I am feeling so much peace and I am not going to lie, I feel pretty content to be done with this

process and to be able to examine my heart for where I am at with the Lord and the ways He has grown me in these last couple months. 

This whole process has proven to be a time in my life that I have had to seek dependence and reliance on the Lord more than ever. That has probably been the biggest challenge. This was reflected in the way that I sought the Lord through this process. Because this process landed in the busiest time of the year for school it was even harder to seek the Lord. As I look back, I am realizing how little I was seeking His face in my daily life. I knew He was constant and I knew He was there with me through this, but the daily surrender was the place I recognized the most distance from the Lord. 

I tend to use the excuse of busyness often as a way to push myself away from the Lord when I am not experiencing His presence. As I am realizing this to be so true of my heart I am asking the Lord to push me toward His presence as I am home for these two weeks before project. (I leave TWO WEEKS from today!) I have so much time right now that I can spend hours of my day with the Lord. I can come and sit at a coffee shop (like I am doing right now!) and journal and get in the word and blog and pray. No longer do I have an excuse because I have no commitments right now. I just have time. 

As I was just starting the support raising process I had prayed that God would teach me to trust, rely, and surrender to Him. I prayed that He would challenge me leading up to project because I knew that actually going on project I would need to rely on the Lord more than I ever have before and so I wanted to start now so that I could go into project with a new found dependence on His power. Friends, prayer is powerful and God is faithful because this experience has proven to be that for me. God has taught me what it takes to trust in Him and has proved that He will provide in big ways when I do. 

There were some weeks where I was having so much anxiety about going. Satan was whispering in my ear so many lies. Lies about not raising enough money and about God not wanting me in Berlin. Once I recognized these lies I was able to combat them. I know when I get to Berlin these lies are going to be intensified and I will need to continue to recognize them through the power of the Holy Spirit and combat them with truths about God. 

God also provided some really good weeks. When I came home last week I was kind of apprehensive about going to church just because it is hard to come back when most of my friends there are still at school. But I went and I am so glad I did. The pastor preached about how we often come across crisis' of belief meaning stepping up and trusting God that He knows what He is doing with His plan for my life. I was thinking, "okay, I have done that in deciding to go to Berlin, now what?" The Pastor then talked about how God gives us God-sized missions and we have to trust Him to provide those because we can't do them on our own. After hearing this I surrendered the process back up to the Lord and since then He has provided all my support. Why didn't I do this before?!?! haha :) God has shown me the importance of faith throughout this whole process. 

I have been told that many people in Berlin have never even heard of Jesus. Every time I tell someone that or think about it my heart pains for those people. Of course Satan doesn't want us there. He wants to keep Jesus as in the dark as possible. But then I remember my favorite verse and the title of this blog. "God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5....that is what I have to cling to. He is light and even though there is so much darkness there, He is good and faithful and desires for the people He created to be drawn into His presence. 

I feel humbled that God wants to use ME for His great work in Berlin. He is using ME to bring light to these people....WHAT THE HECK?! I think that is the coolest thing ever. 

As the date to leave (May 23rd) is getting closer I keep looking back to last year. One year ago I was absolutely against going for God. I wanted to keep my job that I loved and wanted to be comfortable. I didn't want to go through the process of support raising because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It is so cool to see how God has transformed my heart. How now I am going for God. I was willing to sacrifice my job but God has perfect timing and I get to keep my job AND go to Younglife camp. 

I am just feeling incredibly blessed in this moment. Part of my quiet time tonight was in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). Tonight, after many days of running from God and not spending time with Him, He has drawn me back to Him. The most beautiful and amazing part is that He welcomes me with open arms and delights in me when I come back. I praise God for his willingness to stick by me through this process and for how much it is within His character for Him to never leave me or forsake me. 

He can't wait to be right with me and, unlike a human, His affections for me will never be subdued or change. God truly is good all the time. 

Thanks to those who stuck with me through this crazy and at times messy journey. I am so grateful for all of you. And of course for all those who have prayerfully and financially supported me. You all rock. :) 

PLEASE let me know how I can be praying for all of you! :) 

Sending love, 

Allison 

Dependency.

This week has been a major struggle. We got support coaches which is great and the amazing women who is my support coach is actually the women that I babysit for on a weekly basis so it is fun to get to have her helping me out. 

Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out. 

I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own. 

A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer. 

I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go. 

Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that  God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed. 

I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power. 

This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull. 

I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.

My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me. 

So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue. 

I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies. 

The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son. 

God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone. 

"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

Love you all! God bless! 

Allison :)

P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541

Your Will Be Done.

I know I just blogged like two days ago but God is teaching me some pretty sweet things this week and I just wanted to share!

In the last two days the story of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane has come up in my times with the Lord and it has proven to be a huge blessing and given me a whole new outlook on Jesus and how my walk with God should reflect His.

 It is so cool how in this part of the Bible I get to experience Jesus as a human. I get to see how He struggled too and it just makes it even easier to relate to Jesus when I see Him in such a vulnerable state. In the book I am reading (Living the Cross Centered Life-I know I have mentioned it a lot but it is rocking me right now!) it talks about how the cross brought feelings of abandonment to Jesus. The pain that Jesus is waiting to experience on the cross is that of abandonment from His Father, he was separated from God in the garden when His purpose of going there was to get comfort from Him.

It has just been made more and more clear to me how much Jesus loved me to do what He did for me and you. Jesus took this cup with no bitterness for his people but instead humbly took it for those who oppose Him.

It is so cool to me when Jesus uses His Word to help me relate to Him. Earlier this semester I was struggling with not feeling as pursued by people as I desired to be and one of my friends pointed out to me that I am experiencing what God experiences all the time with His people. People never pursue God the way he would desire them to and I got to taste a tiny piece of what God feels.

Now I am having a similar experience and it is so amazing. I praise God for the feelings of abandonment I have felt in my life because he is using that to show me how He felt when heading to the cross. Certainly mine and Jesus' life are in different contexts but we both had feelings of abandonment toward our fathers.

I pray as I come back to seasons where abandonment is a more prevalent issue that I would draw back to the garden and remember Jesus' response. That even when its hard to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will" that I would remember that it is worth it to follow Gods will in times of struggle because Jesus thought I was worth it. Jesus meant it, wholeheartedly when he said that he desired Gods will to be done in His life even if it meant times of pain and suffering. Let this be my prayer.

As I look at things that I desire in my life I look back at my prayer life. The second place the garden has come up is in the She Reads Truth study on prayer. Right now it is talking about prayers of petition.  In the garden, Jesus petitions and asks God to remove the cup but He also submits the cup to His Father and trusts God to give Him what He needed because after all God knows best! :)

I am learning how much a struggle this idea of trusting God with what I need is. It is easy for me to think that I know what I need better because I know myself better. Wrong. When I pray for something I must remember that prayers are answered in God's timing and in Gods way and that the prayers I pray must be on Gods heart. God knows what is best for me and if I just submit His will will be done.

Isn't God amazing?! I am beyond grateful for the way He is drawing me closer to Him as I prepare to go to Berlin for Summer Project!

Just an update on support! I am at $3,370!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! As I continue to prepare I ask that you be praying for my heart to continue to grow for sharing the gospel with those who are lost

I would love to be praying for you send any requests my way!

Sending love!

Allison