A shaded tree no longer.

Life has been so hard lately. 

Seizures. EEGs. Depression. Exhaustion. Spiritual Dryness. 

I am at a low. A low that I haven't experienced since high school. I want to believe 1 Peter 1:6&7 when it says "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ", but it is so hard to be in the thick of it all and still rejoice. 

But in the thick of it all is where I am for this season and I have to find a way to cope with it all. 

A short update before I continue. A couple of days ago, I went to the hospital for a scheduled eight hour EEG scan. The night before I felt mostly calm but did have trouble falling asleep and I am assuming it was due to anxiety. I went to sleep at midnight and had to wake up at four in the morning. Seizures are more likely with lack of sleep. I woke up at four and spent most of my morning watching T.V. and hanging out with the family I am living with. I went in and felt very calm and almost excited to have a day to rest and to hopefully get some answers. I have still been experiencing some seizure symptoms but there is now way to know if I am actually having them because they are occurring in my sleep. I had twenty-three electrodes placed around my head and two on my chest to measure my heart. I slept for about half of it and was alert for half of it. The women who administered the test told me at the end that she saw some questionable things but wasn't a doctor so she couldn't tell me anything for sure. She also said that she didn't feel there was anything of urgent need so that gave me some relief. My doctor told me to call him a week after the scan and then I will find out my results. No surprise here, I am having trouble being patient. 

I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago and a dear project staff friend asked me how I was dealing emotionally with my health stuff. At this point I had kind of separated health issues with my emotional issues. I came to the realization as I processed with her that I am really not okay with all that is going on. This amazing women has dealt with some similar, and way more intense, health issues with her family and it was such a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who actually understood the things I was feeling and could relate to me. 

Since our conversation I have been (attempting) to process what I am experiencing in my heart and how to cope with it with God. Here is what I have realized...

I have a tendency to rely on myself, especially physically. In general, I have been pretty healthy for most of my life. I have had issues but nothing as significantly life-changing as this. God has brought me to a point of complete physical brokenness. My body is no longer a sense of strength for me but rather my greatest weakness. I have headaches frequently, I am constantly tired, and I haven't had much of an appetite. My body is showing me that I need God. I don't have a choice but to rely on my healer. It is such a beautiful image but it is still so hard to put into action. For me, I would like to see this looking like living a life of consistent prayer. By focusing my heart on God, I am able to see his ability to work in amazing ways. My hope can be in nothing else but Christ and the promises of eternity because everything else has seemingly failed and will always fail. 

This morning, I was spending time in Jonah. I have had many very strange signs pointing me towards that book and it is one that I have read over and over again throughout this storm where I feel like I have been tossed overboard. I was reading it this morning and read the last chapter where the Lord sends a tree to protect Jonah and then take it away. God is testing Jonahs consistency in following Him. 

God gave me ten beautiful seizure free years. And now he is sending a worm to take away my shaded tree. He is making me uncomfortable to a point of having to rely on him and rejoice with a thankful heart in the things that I do have. I am in a season of suffering. I have fears about school and ministry starting. I am so tired that I am fearful that I won't make it. But my strength doesn't come from myself, it comes from God and through him I will get through this season in whatever way he desires. 

I am also experience pretty consistent sadness. I was put back on anti-depressants and am seeking out therapy. I was talking to the same friend and realized that a lot of my depression could be coming from the fact that my brain is out of sorts. My serotonin levels are a mess and this could be due to the fact that the neurons in my brain are not properly functioning. I wish that this made it easier to deal with and to find joy through but it hasn't and I feel frustrated. 

But, the only hope that I have is in the constant, firm, and consistent foundation of my relationship with Christ. Where is an area of your life where you feel like Christ wants you to give up your reliance on yourself and give it up to Him? 

Thanks for reading sweet friends. I love you all so so much.

Allison