Update!

Friends, I feel like I am sinking and yet on such a sturdy foundation at the same time. Gosh, that sounds so stinking contradicting. Let me explain.

The last month or so has been a huge whirlwind of health issues. About a month ago I think that I had a seizure in my sleep. I woke up feeling confused where I was, with a massive headache, and really weak and dizzy. For a couple days I just kind of brushed it off. I babysit for a family whose dad is a doctor and I debated back and forth about whether I wanted to seek medical advice. In fact, for a few days I didn't even put having a seizure in my mind as a possibility. Ten years ago, I had three major seizures. I was hospitalized and unconscious for many days while on Thanksgiving break in Kentucky. They never found anything wrong praise God. Then, suddenly ten years later I think I had one. It felt so out of the blue but I was so trusting in the Lord.

   As many of you know I am so emotionally driven. I make many decisions and judge the condition of my heart and sometimes even the state of my position in Christ based on how I feel. But in the last months I have experienced the beauty of living in the Spirit and relying on The Lord in all aspects of life without being defined by circumstance. That was one of the most freeing realizations I've ever had. After three days of waiting, I finally decided to go to the doctor. I was experiencing memory loss, consistent headaches, and being tired all the time.  Even when I would get lots of sleep, I would still feel tired.  Something was wrong.

The doctor ordered an EEG (I had to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4am and my procedure wasn't till 9am and my wonderful friends met me for breakfast) and the Friday before spring break I went to the hospital. I still felt so confident in the beauty of the Gospel and Gods hand residing all throughout the doctors, the procedure, and my body.  I pleaded with the Lord to bring glory to this and for me to believe that He works all things together for good. About coming back from spring break, I got a voicemail from my doctor telling me they had found some sort of abnormality in the front right part of my brain. My heart dropped so quickly into my stomach. It was a voicemail. I couldn't ask any questions and the office was closed for the day. All I could think about was the potential that I may have had a brain tumor and the implications that would have on my life. I continued to feel so much assurance in the Lord.

He ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and some other less severe symptoms. This time I didn't have to get up early so I felt a lot more rested and a lot less tense than I did going into the EEG.  Throughout the procedure I listened to Christian radio and prayed the whole time. That was the only way that I was going to not freak out in that little tiny space. I was told I would hear back in about five to ten days. Now was the true test to trust the Lord.

That following Sunday I woke up with a significant headache. I was so sensitive to noise and light. I felt dizzy and out of it. Similar to how I was feeling when I woke up after the first seizure. I was scared that if I went to church, I was going to have a seizure. My roommates mom is a nurse and walked us through tests we could do at home to see if there were any signs. After much debate, we decided to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I got blood work done and long story short found out I didn't have a brain tumor. Praise God!! I was put on seizure medication and also an antibiotic for a sinus infection. (Basically, I am a hot mess!)

As all of this was happening, I was reading through the book of Jonah with She Reads Truth and it really kept me focused on the Lord. I love Jonah. It is now one of my favorite books. I realized how God was continuing to pursue me in significant ways. Just as he pursued Jonah with a storm He appeared to be pursuing me with one too. What a merciful God we have to draw me back to himself and show me how I needed to seek sufficiently in Him or I wouldn't make it through. He taught me my need for the Gospel and how He is truly the only One that I can rely on.

Life continues to have gotten crazier as the semester is ending. My medicine is giving me significant side effects. I feel tired constantly and even when I sleep a sufficient amount, I still don't feel rested. I haven't been able to eat a full meal in a week. My body is failing me. But gosh, doesn't our failing body and heart always point us to our brokenness? I am so thankful for this challenge because God has pushed me closer to Himself than during any other time in my life. I have loved experiencing the Gospel through this and have grown in thankfulness for my salvation. My time in the Bible has changed both in how I approach it and my motivation to do it.

But in the last couple days I have been struggling. My relationship with my mom has gone down hill and it is causing me to let down my guard down in trusting my perfect Heavenly Father.  I have found myself trusting in the security of my health. But gosh, I can't trust in anything of the world. I can only trust in Jesus and man, I couldn't imagine getting through this crazy world without Him.  Thanks for bearing with me through this post. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening. Pray with me that we would all understand our sufficiency in Christ.

Love you dear friends,
Allison