Daily Mercies.

Oh my word has it been a long time since I have posted. That is so not me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I wasn't posting my updates for Berlin on my blog so there goes six weeks and as for the threeish weeks I have been home well, that just goes to laziness and business. 

Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch. 

My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God. 

Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan. 

In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it. 

Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away. 

In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift. 

I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too. 

Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight: 

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

 Romans 5:1-5

Aren't these sweet words? God is present. He is here and I am grateful for grace. 

One more thing, I am reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Maybe you have heard of it but if not its a book about writing a list of one thousand things you are thankful for. And I am taking the challenge for a more joy filled life from acknowledging things I am grateful for. Even the little things. So, I will be posting some of them on my blog! Isn't that fun?! If you want to join me I would love it. Or ask me about it sometime...I will need some accountability. ;)

I praise God for you sweet people in my life. I truly love you all. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your sweet presence in my life. You are all such an amazing blessing and joy. Love you all! 

In Him,

Allison 

Big News!!

Friends...I have some pretty grand news to share...

I AM FULLY SUPPORTED FOR BERLIN!!!!!

My heart is just ready to burst with joy. My smile has been off the wall pretty much all night. I am feeling so much peace and I am not going to lie, I feel pretty content to be done with this

process and to be able to examine my heart for where I am at with the Lord and the ways He has grown me in these last couple months. 

This whole process has proven to be a time in my life that I have had to seek dependence and reliance on the Lord more than ever. That has probably been the biggest challenge. This was reflected in the way that I sought the Lord through this process. Because this process landed in the busiest time of the year for school it was even harder to seek the Lord. As I look back, I am realizing how little I was seeking His face in my daily life. I knew He was constant and I knew He was there with me through this, but the daily surrender was the place I recognized the most distance from the Lord. 

I tend to use the excuse of busyness often as a way to push myself away from the Lord when I am not experiencing His presence. As I am realizing this to be so true of my heart I am asking the Lord to push me toward His presence as I am home for these two weeks before project. (I leave TWO WEEKS from today!) I have so much time right now that I can spend hours of my day with the Lord. I can come and sit at a coffee shop (like I am doing right now!) and journal and get in the word and blog and pray. No longer do I have an excuse because I have no commitments right now. I just have time. 

As I was just starting the support raising process I had prayed that God would teach me to trust, rely, and surrender to Him. I prayed that He would challenge me leading up to project because I knew that actually going on project I would need to rely on the Lord more than I ever have before and so I wanted to start now so that I could go into project with a new found dependence on His power. Friends, prayer is powerful and God is faithful because this experience has proven to be that for me. God has taught me what it takes to trust in Him and has proved that He will provide in big ways when I do. 

There were some weeks where I was having so much anxiety about going. Satan was whispering in my ear so many lies. Lies about not raising enough money and about God not wanting me in Berlin. Once I recognized these lies I was able to combat them. I know when I get to Berlin these lies are going to be intensified and I will need to continue to recognize them through the power of the Holy Spirit and combat them with truths about God. 

God also provided some really good weeks. When I came home last week I was kind of apprehensive about going to church just because it is hard to come back when most of my friends there are still at school. But I went and I am so glad I did. The pastor preached about how we often come across crisis' of belief meaning stepping up and trusting God that He knows what He is doing with His plan for my life. I was thinking, "okay, I have done that in deciding to go to Berlin, now what?" The Pastor then talked about how God gives us God-sized missions and we have to trust Him to provide those because we can't do them on our own. After hearing this I surrendered the process back up to the Lord and since then He has provided all my support. Why didn't I do this before?!?! haha :) God has shown me the importance of faith throughout this whole process. 

I have been told that many people in Berlin have never even heard of Jesus. Every time I tell someone that or think about it my heart pains for those people. Of course Satan doesn't want us there. He wants to keep Jesus as in the dark as possible. But then I remember my favorite verse and the title of this blog. "God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5....that is what I have to cling to. He is light and even though there is so much darkness there, He is good and faithful and desires for the people He created to be drawn into His presence. 

I feel humbled that God wants to use ME for His great work in Berlin. He is using ME to bring light to these people....WHAT THE HECK?! I think that is the coolest thing ever. 

As the date to leave (May 23rd) is getting closer I keep looking back to last year. One year ago I was absolutely against going for God. I wanted to keep my job that I loved and wanted to be comfortable. I didn't want to go through the process of support raising because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It is so cool to see how God has transformed my heart. How now I am going for God. I was willing to sacrifice my job but God has perfect timing and I get to keep my job AND go to Younglife camp. 

I am just feeling incredibly blessed in this moment. Part of my quiet time tonight was in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). Tonight, after many days of running from God and not spending time with Him, He has drawn me back to Him. The most beautiful and amazing part is that He welcomes me with open arms and delights in me when I come back. I praise God for his willingness to stick by me through this process and for how much it is within His character for Him to never leave me or forsake me. 

He can't wait to be right with me and, unlike a human, His affections for me will never be subdued or change. God truly is good all the time. 

Thanks to those who stuck with me through this crazy and at times messy journey. I am so grateful for all of you. And of course for all those who have prayerfully and financially supported me. You all rock. :) 

PLEASE let me know how I can be praying for all of you! :) 

Sending love, 

Allison 

Dependency.

This week has been a major struggle. We got support coaches which is great and the amazing women who is my support coach is actually the women that I babysit for on a weekly basis so it is fun to get to have her helping me out. 

Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out. 

I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own. 

A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer. 

I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go. 

Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that  God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed. 

I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power. 

This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull. 

I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.

My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me. 

So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue. 

I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies. 

The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son. 

God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone. 

"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

Love you all! God bless! 

Allison :)

P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541

Your Will Be Done.

I know I just blogged like two days ago but God is teaching me some pretty sweet things this week and I just wanted to share!

In the last two days the story of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane has come up in my times with the Lord and it has proven to be a huge blessing and given me a whole new outlook on Jesus and how my walk with God should reflect His.

 It is so cool how in this part of the Bible I get to experience Jesus as a human. I get to see how He struggled too and it just makes it even easier to relate to Jesus when I see Him in such a vulnerable state. In the book I am reading (Living the Cross Centered Life-I know I have mentioned it a lot but it is rocking me right now!) it talks about how the cross brought feelings of abandonment to Jesus. The pain that Jesus is waiting to experience on the cross is that of abandonment from His Father, he was separated from God in the garden when His purpose of going there was to get comfort from Him.

It has just been made more and more clear to me how much Jesus loved me to do what He did for me and you. Jesus took this cup with no bitterness for his people but instead humbly took it for those who oppose Him.

It is so cool to me when Jesus uses His Word to help me relate to Him. Earlier this semester I was struggling with not feeling as pursued by people as I desired to be and one of my friends pointed out to me that I am experiencing what God experiences all the time with His people. People never pursue God the way he would desire them to and I got to taste a tiny piece of what God feels.

Now I am having a similar experience and it is so amazing. I praise God for the feelings of abandonment I have felt in my life because he is using that to show me how He felt when heading to the cross. Certainly mine and Jesus' life are in different contexts but we both had feelings of abandonment toward our fathers.

I pray as I come back to seasons where abandonment is a more prevalent issue that I would draw back to the garden and remember Jesus' response. That even when its hard to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will" that I would remember that it is worth it to follow Gods will in times of struggle because Jesus thought I was worth it. Jesus meant it, wholeheartedly when he said that he desired Gods will to be done in His life even if it meant times of pain and suffering. Let this be my prayer.

As I look at things that I desire in my life I look back at my prayer life. The second place the garden has come up is in the She Reads Truth study on prayer. Right now it is talking about prayers of petition.  In the garden, Jesus petitions and asks God to remove the cup but He also submits the cup to His Father and trusts God to give Him what He needed because after all God knows best! :)

I am learning how much a struggle this idea of trusting God with what I need is. It is easy for me to think that I know what I need better because I know myself better. Wrong. When I pray for something I must remember that prayers are answered in God's timing and in Gods way and that the prayers I pray must be on Gods heart. God knows what is best for me and if I just submit His will will be done.

Isn't God amazing?! I am beyond grateful for the way He is drawing me closer to Him as I prepare to go to Berlin for Summer Project!

Just an update on support! I am at $3,370!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! As I continue to prepare I ask that you be praying for my heart to continue to grow for sharing the gospel with those who are lost

I would love to be praying for you send any requests my way!

Sending love!

Allison

In need of a Savior.

Hello lovely friends!! 

First of all lets just comment on this beautiful weather?!?! So much joy have come from these last three days that have been in the 70s! I went to the zoo and a baseball game Saturday, got to grill out yesterday after church and then I laid on the quad for a couple of hours and did homework and today just walking to class and having my windows open in my room is just making me happy happy happy!! :) I must say I am beyond thankful for this weather. 

Anyways, lots has happened this week. Some good, some kind of crazy but at this point I am just content which is a major blessing because this last week was kind of tough as you read from my last post but it is cool to see God using these things for His glory. Let me unpack that a little bit...:) 

After my little rough patch with my mom last week things have significantly improved. We never really talked it out and I am not sure if we ever will because our argument was based on something we probably will always have to agree to disagree on.  One cool thing about it though was that it brought my sister and I a little closer. Some of the things we have to go through because of my parents divorce sucks but it is nice to have someone to do it with who can completely relate because she is living it too. 

This week has really grown me closer to the Lord which is great. I had to remind myself often that I was loved and cherished by Christ and that he would never let me down. I think by realizing how much I am believing lies it helped me realize the importance of fighting those by reminding myself promises of my always faithful God. This is something I have been praying God would make present in my life and he has been faithful. 

This week I have been learning a lot about my condition as a sinner. (I am still reading Living the Cross Centered Life) Knowing this about my self has helped me to process through my need for a Savior and has been huge in growing me closer to the Lord because it shows me how much suffering Jesus had to take on. It is just crazy to me that he would do this for me! 

Here is a couple quotes that I think describes our condition well as well as our need for a Savior: 

"Our condition is having no possible way to atone for our sin, nor any possible way to free ourselves from enslavement." C.J. Mahaney 

"If Christ the redeemer had been only God he could not have died, since God by His very nature cannot die. It was only as a man that Christ could represent humanity and die as a man. As God, however, Christ's death had infinite value sufficient to supply redemption for the sins of all man kind. Clearly then Christ had to be both God and man to secure mans salvation." Ron Rhodes 

PRAISE JESUS for divinely rescuing us from this crazy sinful condition we are in. PRAISE JESUS for coming to earth and suffering so that we can now have personal relationship with Him. I know I couldn't imagine my life without a Savior and this amazing relationship that is now possible. 

God has really taught me how to be more conscious of my condition in repentance as well. The She Reads Truth study going on right now is all about prayer and it has talked about repentance quite a bit and it has been so cool to see repentance becoming more of a regular thing in my heart and it is cool to see biblical support for it. 

So that is what I am learning this week. In no way am I able to reach my Savior on my own but through the blood of Jesus Christ I am saved and am cleansed by the power of the Cross and through repentance. Praise God for his grace! 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 
2 Corinthians 12:9  

Love, 

Allison 

Adopted.

Friends:

I am experiencing some tough things right now.

I get so upset with myself when I let things with my family consume me again. I have to consistently bring myself back to promises about Christ when I get into times like these.

Right now I am feeling so down and depressed. I cannot remember the last time I have felt this down and so it is really frustrating to me to be feeling this way. Lately I have been experiencing such joy in Christ despite circumstances but I think this just put it over the edge.

I did have something cool happen today, though. I have been really processing through the importance of prayer before diving into the Word and before turning to people amidst times of struggle and temptation instead of God.

Today as I was walking to my favorite coffee shop and I was hoping that someone would be there that I could talk to about all of the things going on. As I was processing that,  I stopped my thoughts and lifted up my concerns to my Heavenly Father. Praise God for answered prayer in revealing to me times when I need to be in communication with Him instead of going right to humans.

To be honest, my feelings still haven't really changed but it was a good reminder for me to know the importance of relying on the Lord to get me through.

Praise God for being consistent through all of my crazy emotions and all of the trials of this life. 

This weekend I went home with a friend for Easter (my family was out of town) and had some conflict with my parents on Saturday and due to lack of time and desire (mostly the latter) I avoided even thinking about it but it still affected every fiber of my being.

It made me doubt the joy that I can have in Christ. It made me doubt that Christ is a constant in my life when everything else seems to be going haywire. Today, I am resting in and constantly reminding myself of Gods nature.

Of His love for me and his desire to be a part of my life. Of His amazing promise of an eternity with Him after a faithful life on this earth. As a dear friend put it yesterday, "lets just go to live an alternative reality where there is no sin or commitments or things that suck. Wait. That's heaven. So ready for that!"  I can't wait for that day!

But while I am here and living my life on earth I must return to the presence of my great God. I must depend on the power of the Holy Spirit to get me through my days and not on my own power. I must give all of my life to Christ to use for his glory rather than using things that are happening in my life for pity or to glorify myself.

There it is, dear friends. All on the line in front of your eyes. I am broken and things get messy but this life is a blessing from a God who will never abandon me in my time of need and even better, has adopted me as His daughter forever. 

I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have the ability to point me back to the gospel. It makes my heart happy to be striving after Jesus with all of you and your ability to love me in the midst of my brokenness!

Thanks for reading friends! I really love you all! (Here is a video of how God continues to shape and transform my life! Please let me know if you have any questions! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LMUrRW3zQM)

Anchor.

Goodness, I just can't believe how fast these last few weeks has flown by. I cannot believe that we are already six weeks away from the semester being over. 

Life is just crazy but I am super thankful for the time that I got to spend with Lord tonight! (and for the time to blog!) It is pretty rare for me to get such a substantial time with the Lord so that was pretty great and I learned some pretty sweet things. 

The She Reads Truth study on the Songs of Ascents ended today and I am just blown away with how God has used that to teach me SO MUCH about his character. The last day was about praise and how important it is for God's word to so deeply dwell in my heart that it brings about a natural joy that can only be because of the Holy Spirit. 

As I was processing through that and some questions that came along with the study I realized how beneficial memorizing scripture is. I realized that if I expect to be consistently seeking Christ in daily decision making, it is important for me to have knowledge of his scripture so that when I can't spend time in the Word I can be reminded of the beneficial and ultimate truths of His Word. I also think it will allow me to have my day be more revolved around being Christ centered instead of Allison centered. 

Going along with my life being Allison centered I have been reading Living the Cross Centered Life still and gosh is God using that to teach me so much about feelings. I am a very feelings oriented person. If I am feeling crappy then that directly effects the way I feel toward God and that is just so screwed up. 

The book talked about how my relationship with God is not qualified by a certain "passion" that I seem to expect. In reality that is just prideful. My emotions and feelings are unstable and unreliable and are not the ultimate truth. For some reason I find myself giving my feelings the job of dictating how I live my life and the way I make decisions. Wrong. 

Here's a quote that called me right out on all of things discussed above:

"The humble are those whose first response to objective truth from God's word is not to ask, 'how do I feel?' but to say, I'm not going to let my faith be determined and directed by the subjective and the experiential. Instead I confess openly before God that I will believe the objective truths of his word regardless of how I feel." C.J. Mahaney 

So there it is, friends. What God is teaching me right now. My life is not Allison centered it is God centered and in order to allow this to be consistent in my life I need to be in prayer and consistently allow the Word of God to dwell in my heart. Feelings follow submission. If I submit myself to my great God then feelings of  joy that can only be explained by Jesus will come. Those are the feelings I want to experience-the feelings of gratitude for a Savior that are so strong that they could only be coming from the Holy Spirit. "And these feelings will be reliable because they are anchored in truth." (Mahaney) Anchored. Father, shape my soul to be anchored by Your truths and not by my feelings. I praise You for Your consistencies even when my feelings aren't consistent. 

As Holy Week begins I am examining my heart to be focused on and anchored in Christ. Jesus, allow my heart to be wrecked, changed, and humble me in worship of you by drawing nearer to the Cross.

Thanks for reading! 

Love, 

Allison  

P.S: I realized I didn't post ANY of my picture from my trip so here is a gem! (courtesy of Matt Adachi!):