This semester, I spend two full days a week at a junior high in town with students with learning disabilities and ADHD. And let me tell you, I love it. I'm sure this doesn't surprise most of you. :) After spending time processing with my roommate this morning, I realized some really cool things about my relationship with my students.
My students, albeit high functioning, have a deficit mentally. Without the help of me and my cooperating teacher (CT) meeting my students at their ability level, they wouldn't function well at school. They would try to live up to the expectations of their teachers, peers, and state standards and they would ultimately fail. They need my CT and I to function at school. Without us, they would not make it to the next grade.
Similarly to my students, we all have heart deficits. Sinfully, we cannot live up to the standard that Christ has set for us. These deficits are exposed mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and emotionally. The only way that we can get to the end is by having a Teacher intervene, our Savior Jesus needs to enter into our lives. Jesus meets us beautifully where we are and saves us without having to perform to a worldly standard.
My students do not always perform at the same level as their peers. They have extended deadlines for projects and extra help during class. If they choose to play a game instead of doing their homework during study hall, they receive grace. If they argue with us about our expectations for their behavior, they receive grace. (And punishment too) If they forget to turn in an assignment (as many of them do), they are able to turn it in late even when they don't deserve to. And when they forget to turn in an assignment again and again and again, they receive grace upon grace upon grace. When I walk in sin and don't repent, I receive grace. When I choose other things over spending time with God, I receive grace. When I turn to my friends to help me make decisions over God, I receive grace. He extends me grace upon grace upon grace. Chance after chance after chance.
Christ is willing to meet YOU right where you are today and stand beside you in ruins and brokenness no matter how bad you think your deficit is. His goal for His students is to have salvation and have us in heaven with Him. The only thing we have to do is accept Him and repent (ask for forgiveness) and receive His grace upon grace upon grace.
I LOVE my students. I am beyond passionate to drive them to do their work so that it is honoring to their teachers. Our lives should be reflective of this. We love God so much that we desperately want to honor Him by the way we live our lives. This doesn't mean your salvation will be taken away if you don't read your bible every day or pray all the time. But, if we believe God is so worthy of our lives, like my students do of their teachers, we want to do things that are glorifying to Him and allow us to put a greater identity in Him.
Our deficits are not greater than our Teacher can handle. In fact, our Teacher is so much greater than our greatest, deepest weakness. What deficit can you lift up to your Father and put in His control and allow Him to extended grace upon grace upon grace you you today?
Love,
Allison
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Health Update.
Hey friends!
I hope that all is well in your lives. In the craziness of school and exhaustion from my health I have had (what feels like) no time to spend in this atmosphere. Needless to say, I am thankful to be back and take time to share with you about my health and process some things that have been very difficult lately. So, I appreciate you coming here and meeting me in this sacred place. I pray you leave her in a greater understanding of the Gospel. So here goes nothing....:)
Since my last post, I have been on a steady decline with my health. The biggest symptom that effects my daily life is extreme exhaustion. I am constantly tired. Even after sleeping over twelve hours at night. I just don't feel energy. Some days are definitely better than others and for that I am thankful. Those good days are the days I cherish and treasure. As a result of being so tired, I am having a hard time focusing on things and I have been having memory issues. (Memory issues could potentially be linked to seizures too). One day two weeks ago, I developed a fever while at my Gospel Community. I was supposed to go to my Action Group bible study with Cru but my body was so clearly telling me that I needed rest. I called my bible study leader crying saying that I didn't think I could handle doing ministry with Cru during this season. I was terrified to even bring that topic up but she graciously told me that I need to take care of myself and that it was okay. So, about a week ago was my last week doing official ministry with Cru. While I am still involved in the weekly meeting and one discipleship relationship, my roles have drastically changed and I am thankful for a season of rest.
I have gone to three different doctors in the last week for different things in hoping to get some answers for why I am feeling so lousy. The first doctor I went to was a homeopathic doctor that goes to my church. He found some problems with my ability to get deep sleep, detox estrogen, keep yeast in my stomach, and of course I again had a sinus and head infection. He started me on some natural supplements to help these things. While at his office (Praise God!) I fainted. I think it is because of my lack of appetite and therefore my lack of nutrients in my system. Just another push from the Lord that my body needs more rest. Right now, I am only eating two small meals a day and have lost about fifteen pounds. The sleep medication that I am on seems to be having adverse effects to my system and causing me to feel wired after I take it and I have been waking up every three to four hours in the night. I am a hot mess. ha.
Then, I went to the gynecologist. I have been having severe pain in my left breast. I already had a follow up appointment for a medication he put me on so I had him give me an exam and he told me that I have pebble-like cysts and need to take Vitamin E for a month to see if the swelling of them goes down. Right now the cysts are filling with fluid and causing insane pain. If the pain doesn't go away, I will have to have an ultra-sound to rule out potential and more severe things.
Finally, I went to a general practitioner. Members of my family wanted me to get blood work done to check some of my levels. After telling him my symptoms, he came to the conclusion that I was just really depressed. I did not agree. Depression has definitely been part of my symptoms but is not the root cause. This weekend we had lots of friends in town and during a party we had for them, I had to go take a nap. I was so sad to not be with them but I just couldn't make it through. This is what makes me think it is not depression.
I have many other symptoms but I won't bore you! :)
Spiritually, it continues to be a season of dryness but at the same time, I feel like the Lord is growing me so much. I am having a hard time believing that the Lord is doing his good for me by causing my body to physically fail. I just can't wrap my mind around it. And it is so painful. At church this morning we sang a song about God wrapping his arms around us. I don't feel anywhere near comforted by God right now. Believe me, I so badly want to be because I know it will help but I just got this image of me tearing God's hands off my body and pushing him away. I am having a hard time trusting someone who is putting me through pain for His good. That just seems backwards to me.
So, I am dealing with anger and frustration on a consistent basis. I know in my head the things that could help make it better and I just don't seem to have any drive left in me to run towards God. I pray that this changes. I need God. I am evidently insufficient without Him. And that is where the Gospel comes in. I need to be saved by someone greater than I. Not my doctors or medication but by Jesus who shed his blood for me, the woman who is running away from Him in frustration. And every time I return he wraps His arms back around me. Friends, will you pray for me that I would find my sufficiency in Christ rather than in my physical health? Would you pray that I would rely on God's work over the work of my medicine or doctors? And finally, would you pray that my heart would be softened in order to be comforted by God?
That was an insanely long post and I appreciate you bearing with me through it all and giving me a place to process. I am beyond thankful for those standing beside me in a very difficult season of life.
Love you all,
Allison
I hope that all is well in your lives. In the craziness of school and exhaustion from my health I have had (what feels like) no time to spend in this atmosphere. Needless to say, I am thankful to be back and take time to share with you about my health and process some things that have been very difficult lately. So, I appreciate you coming here and meeting me in this sacred place. I pray you leave her in a greater understanding of the Gospel. So here goes nothing....:)
Since my last post, I have been on a steady decline with my health. The biggest symptom that effects my daily life is extreme exhaustion. I am constantly tired. Even after sleeping over twelve hours at night. I just don't feel energy. Some days are definitely better than others and for that I am thankful. Those good days are the days I cherish and treasure. As a result of being so tired, I am having a hard time focusing on things and I have been having memory issues. (Memory issues could potentially be linked to seizures too). One day two weeks ago, I developed a fever while at my Gospel Community. I was supposed to go to my Action Group bible study with Cru but my body was so clearly telling me that I needed rest. I called my bible study leader crying saying that I didn't think I could handle doing ministry with Cru during this season. I was terrified to even bring that topic up but she graciously told me that I need to take care of myself and that it was okay. So, about a week ago was my last week doing official ministry with Cru. While I am still involved in the weekly meeting and one discipleship relationship, my roles have drastically changed and I am thankful for a season of rest.
I have gone to three different doctors in the last week for different things in hoping to get some answers for why I am feeling so lousy. The first doctor I went to was a homeopathic doctor that goes to my church. He found some problems with my ability to get deep sleep, detox estrogen, keep yeast in my stomach, and of course I again had a sinus and head infection. He started me on some natural supplements to help these things. While at his office (Praise God!) I fainted. I think it is because of my lack of appetite and therefore my lack of nutrients in my system. Just another push from the Lord that my body needs more rest. Right now, I am only eating two small meals a day and have lost about fifteen pounds. The sleep medication that I am on seems to be having adverse effects to my system and causing me to feel wired after I take it and I have been waking up every three to four hours in the night. I am a hot mess. ha.
Then, I went to the gynecologist. I have been having severe pain in my left breast. I already had a follow up appointment for a medication he put me on so I had him give me an exam and he told me that I have pebble-like cysts and need to take Vitamin E for a month to see if the swelling of them goes down. Right now the cysts are filling with fluid and causing insane pain. If the pain doesn't go away, I will have to have an ultra-sound to rule out potential and more severe things.
Finally, I went to a general practitioner. Members of my family wanted me to get blood work done to check some of my levels. After telling him my symptoms, he came to the conclusion that I was just really depressed. I did not agree. Depression has definitely been part of my symptoms but is not the root cause. This weekend we had lots of friends in town and during a party we had for them, I had to go take a nap. I was so sad to not be with them but I just couldn't make it through. This is what makes me think it is not depression.
I have many other symptoms but I won't bore you! :)
Spiritually, it continues to be a season of dryness but at the same time, I feel like the Lord is growing me so much. I am having a hard time believing that the Lord is doing his good for me by causing my body to physically fail. I just can't wrap my mind around it. And it is so painful. At church this morning we sang a song about God wrapping his arms around us. I don't feel anywhere near comforted by God right now. Believe me, I so badly want to be because I know it will help but I just got this image of me tearing God's hands off my body and pushing him away. I am having a hard time trusting someone who is putting me through pain for His good. That just seems backwards to me.
So, I am dealing with anger and frustration on a consistent basis. I know in my head the things that could help make it better and I just don't seem to have any drive left in me to run towards God. I pray that this changes. I need God. I am evidently insufficient without Him. And that is where the Gospel comes in. I need to be saved by someone greater than I. Not my doctors or medication but by Jesus who shed his blood for me, the woman who is running away from Him in frustration. And every time I return he wraps His arms back around me. Friends, will you pray for me that I would find my sufficiency in Christ rather than in my physical health? Would you pray that I would rely on God's work over the work of my medicine or doctors? And finally, would you pray that my heart would be softened in order to be comforted by God?
That was an insanely long post and I appreciate you bearing with me through it all and giving me a place to process. I am beyond thankful for those standing beside me in a very difficult season of life.
Love you all,
Allison
Friday, July 25, 2014
A shaded tree no longer.
Life has been so hard lately.
Seizures. EEGs. Depression. Exhaustion. Spiritual Dryness.
I am at a low. A low that I haven't experienced since high school. I want to believe 1 Peter 1:6&7 when it says "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ", but it is so hard to be in the thick of it all and still rejoice.
But in the thick of it all is where I am for this season and I have to find a way to cope with it all.
A short update before I continue. A couple of days ago, I went to the hospital for a scheduled eight hour EEG scan. The night before I felt mostly calm but did have trouble falling asleep and I am assuming it was due to anxiety. I went to sleep at midnight and had to wake up at four in the morning. Seizures are more likely with lack of sleep. I woke up at four and spent most of my morning watching T.V. and hanging out with the family I am living with. I went in and felt very calm and almost excited to have a day to rest and to hopefully get some answers. I have still been experiencing some seizure symptoms but there is now way to know if I am actually having them because they are occurring in my sleep. I had twenty-three electrodes placed around my head and two on my chest to measure my heart. I slept for about half of it and was alert for half of it. The women who administered the test told me at the end that she saw some questionable things but wasn't a doctor so she couldn't tell me anything for sure. She also said that she didn't feel there was anything of urgent need so that gave me some relief. My doctor told me to call him a week after the scan and then I will find out my results. No surprise here, I am having trouble being patient.
I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago and a dear project staff friend asked me how I was dealing emotionally with my health stuff. At this point I had kind of separated health issues with my emotional issues. I came to the realization as I processed with her that I am really not okay with all that is going on. This amazing women has dealt with some similar, and way more intense, health issues with her family and it was such a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who actually understood the things I was feeling and could relate to me.
Since our conversation I have been (attempting) to process what I am experiencing in my heart and how to cope with it with God. Here is what I have realized...
I have a tendency to rely on myself, especially physically. In general, I have been pretty healthy for most of my life. I have had issues but nothing as significantly life-changing as this. God has brought me to a point of complete physical brokenness. My body is no longer a sense of strength for me but rather my greatest weakness. I have headaches frequently, I am constantly tired, and I haven't had much of an appetite. My body is showing me that I need God. I don't have a choice but to rely on my healer. It is such a beautiful image but it is still so hard to put into action. For me, I would like to see this looking like living a life of consistent prayer. By focusing my heart on God, I am able to see his ability to work in amazing ways. My hope can be in nothing else but Christ and the promises of eternity because everything else has seemingly failed and will always fail.
This morning, I was spending time in Jonah. I have had many very strange signs pointing me towards that book and it is one that I have read over and over again throughout this storm where I feel like I have been tossed overboard. I was reading it this morning and read the last chapter where the Lord sends a tree to protect Jonah and then take it away. God is testing Jonahs consistency in following Him.
God gave me ten beautiful seizure free years. And now he is sending a worm to take away my shaded tree. He is making me uncomfortable to a point of having to rely on him and rejoice with a thankful heart in the things that I do have. I am in a season of suffering. I have fears about school and ministry starting. I am so tired that I am fearful that I won't make it. But my strength doesn't come from myself, it comes from God and through him I will get through this season in whatever way he desires.
I am also experience pretty consistent sadness. I was put back on anti-depressants and am seeking out therapy. I was talking to the same friend and realized that a lot of my depression could be coming from the fact that my brain is out of sorts. My serotonin levels are a mess and this could be due to the fact that the neurons in my brain are not properly functioning. I wish that this made it easier to deal with and to find joy through but it hasn't and I feel frustrated.
I am also experience pretty consistent sadness. I was put back on anti-depressants and am seeking out therapy. I was talking to the same friend and realized that a lot of my depression could be coming from the fact that my brain is out of sorts. My serotonin levels are a mess and this could be due to the fact that the neurons in my brain are not properly functioning. I wish that this made it easier to deal with and to find joy through but it hasn't and I feel frustrated.
But, the only hope that I have is in the constant, firm, and consistent foundation of my relationship with Christ. Where is an area of your life where you feel like Christ wants you to give up your reliance on yourself and give it up to Him?
Thanks for reading sweet friends. I love you all so so much.
Allison
Monday, April 7, 2014
Update!
Friends, I feel like I am sinking and yet on such a sturdy foundation at the same time. Gosh, that sounds so stinking contradicting. Let me explain.
The last month or so has been a huge whirlwind of health issues. About a month ago I think that I had a seizure in my sleep. I woke up feeling confused where I was, with a massive headache, and really weak and dizzy. For a couple days I just kind of brushed it off. I babysit for a family whose dad is a doctor and I debated back and forth about whether I wanted to seek medical advice. In fact, for a few days I didn't even put having a seizure in my mind as a possibility. Ten years ago, I had three major seizures. I was hospitalized and unconscious for many days while on Thanksgiving break in Kentucky. They never found anything wrong praise God. Then, suddenly ten years later I think I had one. It felt so out of the blue but I was so trusting in the Lord.
As many of you know I am so emotionally driven. I make many decisions and judge the condition of my heart and sometimes even the state of my position in Christ based on how I feel. But in the last months I have experienced the beauty of living in the Spirit and relying on The Lord in all aspects of life without being defined by circumstance. That was one of the most freeing realizations I've ever had. After three days of waiting, I finally decided to go to the doctor. I was experiencing memory loss, consistent headaches, and being tired all the time. Even when I would get lots of sleep, I would still feel tired. Something was wrong.
The doctor ordered an EEG (I had to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4am and my procedure wasn't till 9am and my wonderful friends met me for breakfast) and the Friday before spring break I went to the hospital. I still felt so confident in the beauty of the Gospel and Gods hand residing all throughout the doctors, the procedure, and my body. I pleaded with the Lord to bring glory to this and for me to believe that He works all things together for good. About coming back from spring break, I got a voicemail from my doctor telling me they had found some sort of abnormality in the front right part of my brain. My heart dropped so quickly into my stomach. It was a voicemail. I couldn't ask any questions and the office was closed for the day. All I could think about was the potential that I may have had a brain tumor and the implications that would have on my life. I continued to feel so much assurance in the Lord.
He ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and some other less severe symptoms. This time I didn't have to get up early so I felt a lot more rested and a lot less tense than I did going into the EEG. Throughout the procedure I listened to Christian radio and prayed the whole time. That was the only way that I was going to not freak out in that little tiny space. I was told I would hear back in about five to ten days. Now was the true test to trust the Lord.
That following Sunday I woke up with a significant headache. I was so sensitive to noise and light. I felt dizzy and out of it. Similar to how I was feeling when I woke up after the first seizure. I was scared that if I went to church, I was going to have a seizure. My roommates mom is a nurse and walked us through tests we could do at home to see if there were any signs. After much debate, we decided to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I got blood work done and long story short found out I didn't have a brain tumor. Praise God!! I was put on seizure medication and also an antibiotic for a sinus infection. (Basically, I am a hot mess!)
As all of this was happening, I was reading through the book of Jonah with She Reads Truth and it really kept me focused on the Lord. I love Jonah. It is now one of my favorite books. I realized how God was continuing to pursue me in significant ways. Just as he pursued Jonah with a storm He appeared to be pursuing me with one too. What a merciful God we have to draw me back to himself and show me how I needed to seek sufficiently in Him or I wouldn't make it through. He taught me my need for the Gospel and how He is truly the only One that I can rely on.
Life continues to have gotten crazier as the semester is ending. My medicine is giving me significant side effects. I feel tired constantly and even when I sleep a sufficient amount, I still don't feel rested. I haven't been able to eat a full meal in a week. My body is failing me. But gosh, doesn't our failing body and heart always point us to our brokenness? I am so thankful for this challenge because God has pushed me closer to Himself than during any other time in my life. I have loved experiencing the Gospel through this and have grown in thankfulness for my salvation. My time in the Bible has changed both in how I approach it and my motivation to do it.
But in the last couple days I have been struggling. My relationship with my mom has gone down hill and it is causing me to let down my guard down in trusting my perfect Heavenly Father. I have found myself trusting in the security of my health. But gosh, I can't trust in anything of the world. I can only trust in Jesus and man, I couldn't imagine getting through this crazy world without Him. Thanks for bearing with me through this post. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening. Pray with me that we would all understand our sufficiency in Christ.
Love you dear friends,
Allison
The last month or so has been a huge whirlwind of health issues. About a month ago I think that I had a seizure in my sleep. I woke up feeling confused where I was, with a massive headache, and really weak and dizzy. For a couple days I just kind of brushed it off. I babysit for a family whose dad is a doctor and I debated back and forth about whether I wanted to seek medical advice. In fact, for a few days I didn't even put having a seizure in my mind as a possibility. Ten years ago, I had three major seizures. I was hospitalized and unconscious for many days while on Thanksgiving break in Kentucky. They never found anything wrong praise God. Then, suddenly ten years later I think I had one. It felt so out of the blue but I was so trusting in the Lord.
As many of you know I am so emotionally driven. I make many decisions and judge the condition of my heart and sometimes even the state of my position in Christ based on how I feel. But in the last months I have experienced the beauty of living in the Spirit and relying on The Lord in all aspects of life without being defined by circumstance. That was one of the most freeing realizations I've ever had. After three days of waiting, I finally decided to go to the doctor. I was experiencing memory loss, consistent headaches, and being tired all the time. Even when I would get lots of sleep, I would still feel tired. Something was wrong.
The doctor ordered an EEG (I had to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4am and my procedure wasn't till 9am and my wonderful friends met me for breakfast) and the Friday before spring break I went to the hospital. I still felt so confident in the beauty of the Gospel and Gods hand residing all throughout the doctors, the procedure, and my body. I pleaded with the Lord to bring glory to this and for me to believe that He works all things together for good. About coming back from spring break, I got a voicemail from my doctor telling me they had found some sort of abnormality in the front right part of my brain. My heart dropped so quickly into my stomach. It was a voicemail. I couldn't ask any questions and the office was closed for the day. All I could think about was the potential that I may have had a brain tumor and the implications that would have on my life. I continued to feel so much assurance in the Lord.
He ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and some other less severe symptoms. This time I didn't have to get up early so I felt a lot more rested and a lot less tense than I did going into the EEG. Throughout the procedure I listened to Christian radio and prayed the whole time. That was the only way that I was going to not freak out in that little tiny space. I was told I would hear back in about five to ten days. Now was the true test to trust the Lord.
That following Sunday I woke up with a significant headache. I was so sensitive to noise and light. I felt dizzy and out of it. Similar to how I was feeling when I woke up after the first seizure. I was scared that if I went to church, I was going to have a seizure. My roommates mom is a nurse and walked us through tests we could do at home to see if there were any signs. After much debate, we decided to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I got blood work done and long story short found out I didn't have a brain tumor. Praise God!! I was put on seizure medication and also an antibiotic for a sinus infection. (Basically, I am a hot mess!)
As all of this was happening, I was reading through the book of Jonah with She Reads Truth and it really kept me focused on the Lord. I love Jonah. It is now one of my favorite books. I realized how God was continuing to pursue me in significant ways. Just as he pursued Jonah with a storm He appeared to be pursuing me with one too. What a merciful God we have to draw me back to himself and show me how I needed to seek sufficiently in Him or I wouldn't make it through. He taught me my need for the Gospel and how He is truly the only One that I can rely on.
Life continues to have gotten crazier as the semester is ending. My medicine is giving me significant side effects. I feel tired constantly and even when I sleep a sufficient amount, I still don't feel rested. I haven't been able to eat a full meal in a week. My body is failing me. But gosh, doesn't our failing body and heart always point us to our brokenness? I am so thankful for this challenge because God has pushed me closer to Himself than during any other time in my life. I have loved experiencing the Gospel through this and have grown in thankfulness for my salvation. My time in the Bible has changed both in how I approach it and my motivation to do it.
But in the last couple days I have been struggling. My relationship with my mom has gone down hill and it is causing me to let down my guard down in trusting my perfect Heavenly Father. I have found myself trusting in the security of my health. But gosh, I can't trust in anything of the world. I can only trust in Jesus and man, I couldn't imagine getting through this crazy world without Him. Thanks for bearing with me through this post. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening. Pray with me that we would all understand our sufficiency in Christ.
Love you dear friends,
Allison
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
No Condemnation.
Oh my, I haven't entered these beautiful writing grounds since November...can you believe that? I can't. I absolutely love blogging. It helps me process better than any other method and yet I have neglected to take part in the world of blogging. So I am back! Yay!
There is so much life that has not been documented here which makes me sad. This is not the only thing I have been neglected in the last months though. I have been neglecting God, too. And maybe that is why I didn't want to blog...because I felt so distant and far off from God and I didn't want to take time out of the busyness to figure out why. Don't hear me wrong, I didn't stop believing in God by any means, I just felt distance.
Some of you know this about me but I am often found guilty of relying on my feelings for everything. If I am sad then I start to believe the lie that Christ isn't sufficient enough for me. And if I am happy then I believe the lie that I am too sufficient for Christ. What contradicting statements. But what truth of what goes on in my heart. I have had some really sad days this semester. I have experienced sadness that I haven't experienced since high school. It really is crippling. Part of it is my body adjusting to a new medicine and part of it is my disbelief in Gods ability to give me joy through Himself and not submitting to the Holy Spirits power.
All of this has come to a crashing halt this week. I had another "down day" this week. I was angry at everyone and everything...I was annoyed at everyone and everything...and I had barely any motivation to even get out of bed. I was just sad. And I found myself desiring to fall into a state of self-pity and sleep to escape it. I thought it would make me feel better.
Praise God, I am way too busy to just sleep to escape it anymore and I really just had to live through it. And it sucked. I went to babysit a family in town who I have really fallen in love with this semester since I started babysitting for them. They are the most authentic and real believers I have ever met. They praise God with open hands and hearts and are instilling that in their children. I truly love being there...but this day I just didn't want to and yet God totally used it.
Colleen (the mom) could tell I was off and as soon as I came in the door she embraced me with a beautiful hug. What a beautiful picture of my Savior embracing me when I come home to Him. And she didn't even know anything was wrong. She told me to just sit down and relax. Isn't that what Christ says to us? My Child, take time to rest in my presence. I love this picture. What a redeeming moment for this believers heart.
I have also been thinking a lot about condemnation. At church on Sunday, the pastor preached on Romans 8. Lately when I have been going to church I haven't felt a ton of conviction or things actually sticking to my heart but this week there were globs of sweet beautiful truths covering and sticking to my messy heart. (think gum people :))
He shared with us about condemnation and that has been in my head and changing my heart all week. Read this....its life-changing people!!
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.[a] 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you[b] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,[c] he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."
He asked us if we could allow our hearts to believe that there is actually no condemnation? That in the eyes of Christ and as His daughter, I am set free in Christ despite my sin. I have a 0% chance of being condemned by Christ as His daughter. I can trust this like I can trust that there is a 0% chance of snow in Hawaii on a given day. (His analogy not mine) So, I am looking to truth this week instead of relying on my feelings.
I am looking at how Christ loves me so much and lovingly embraces me every time I come home. How God can look at me and know somethings wrong and He wants to hear about it. How he has given me His Spirit to rely on and find joy through. How he has given me His word as a way to connect to His presence. I am learning to have a consistent grateful heart towards the goodness of God and believing that there is 0% chance of condemnation in Christ. Believe with me brothers and sisters?
Love you all!
Allison Neal
There is so much life that has not been documented here which makes me sad. This is not the only thing I have been neglected in the last months though. I have been neglecting God, too. And maybe that is why I didn't want to blog...because I felt so distant and far off from God and I didn't want to take time out of the busyness to figure out why. Don't hear me wrong, I didn't stop believing in God by any means, I just felt distance.
Some of you know this about me but I am often found guilty of relying on my feelings for everything. If I am sad then I start to believe the lie that Christ isn't sufficient enough for me. And if I am happy then I believe the lie that I am too sufficient for Christ. What contradicting statements. But what truth of what goes on in my heart. I have had some really sad days this semester. I have experienced sadness that I haven't experienced since high school. It really is crippling. Part of it is my body adjusting to a new medicine and part of it is my disbelief in Gods ability to give me joy through Himself and not submitting to the Holy Spirits power.
All of this has come to a crashing halt this week. I had another "down day" this week. I was angry at everyone and everything...I was annoyed at everyone and everything...and I had barely any motivation to even get out of bed. I was just sad. And I found myself desiring to fall into a state of self-pity and sleep to escape it. I thought it would make me feel better.
Praise God, I am way too busy to just sleep to escape it anymore and I really just had to live through it. And it sucked. I went to babysit a family in town who I have really fallen in love with this semester since I started babysitting for them. They are the most authentic and real believers I have ever met. They praise God with open hands and hearts and are instilling that in their children. I truly love being there...but this day I just didn't want to and yet God totally used it.
Colleen (the mom) could tell I was off and as soon as I came in the door she embraced me with a beautiful hug. What a beautiful picture of my Savior embracing me when I come home to Him. And she didn't even know anything was wrong. She told me to just sit down and relax. Isn't that what Christ says to us? My Child, take time to rest in my presence. I love this picture. What a redeeming moment for this believers heart.
I have also been thinking a lot about condemnation. At church on Sunday, the pastor preached on Romans 8. Lately when I have been going to church I haven't felt a ton of conviction or things actually sticking to my heart but this week there were globs of sweet beautiful truths covering and sticking to my messy heart. (think gum people :))
He shared with us about condemnation and that has been in my head and changing my heart all week. Read this....its life-changing people!!
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.[a] 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you[b] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,[c] he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."
He asked us if we could allow our hearts to believe that there is actually no condemnation? That in the eyes of Christ and as His daughter, I am set free in Christ despite my sin. I have a 0% chance of being condemned by Christ as His daughter. I can trust this like I can trust that there is a 0% chance of snow in Hawaii on a given day. (His analogy not mine) So, I am looking to truth this week instead of relying on my feelings.
I am looking at how Christ loves me so much and lovingly embraces me every time I come home. How God can look at me and know somethings wrong and He wants to hear about it. How he has given me His Spirit to rely on and find joy through. How he has given me His word as a way to connect to His presence. I am learning to have a consistent grateful heart towards the goodness of God and believing that there is 0% chance of condemnation in Christ. Believe with me brothers and sisters?
Love you all!
Allison Neal
Monday, November 18, 2013
Peace.
This morning after my class I went in to see my math professor to take an extra credit quiz I missed due to a field trip last week. If you know me well, you know math is not my strong suit so I was not excited to go in and take this quiz. Really, my fear of failing or not performing to certain standard got the best of me. But, this morning when I left for class I had an expectation for the Lord to work today. I didn't spend time in prayer or in the word this morning I just felt that the Holy Spirit was going to work today.
So, I went in and took my math quiz and my teacher took a quick glance at it and told me that I had gotten all of the problems correct. I praised God. It was a cool moment of relief and realizing the beauty of trusting the Lord. I got up and was ready to leave and we got to talking about the devastation of the storms yesterday. She said that she was watching the news this morning and that someone from the Peoria news was sharing that because the people in Washington were at church, their lives were likely spared.
The newscaster from CNN asked the man in Peoria how the people had such a sense of calm and the newscaster shared that it was because the people had big faith.
Without even knowing I was a Christian, my math teacher boldly shared with me how encouraged she was by this. She shared with me how she knew that the only way these people could get through this was by standing firm in their faith. Not only that, but the whole country was hearing how God can provide an unexpected peace.
We spent a few minutes sharing about our lives and about the church that she belongs to in town. It was so so fun getting to talk to her about her faith, something that is often a hushed topic in a school setting.
As I was walking home I was processing through what happened yesterday. Looking at the blue skies, I saw how peaceful this day was after such a crazy, surreal day. I felt thankful for Gods consistencies, I felt thankful for safety and security that can only come from the hands of God.
Yesterday, I spent the day at Purdue and before I left we spent time in prayer for each other. I asked for prayer to seek my identity in Christ and for motivation to continue to have conversations about God. It was so sweet to see answered prayer today. While going throughout my normal day, God provided a conversation about God as a result of this crazy storm.
Praise God for his timing. I pray you are encouraged by this. If you invite the Holy Spirit to work, He will and He does.
So, I went in and took my math quiz and my teacher took a quick glance at it and told me that I had gotten all of the problems correct. I praised God. It was a cool moment of relief and realizing the beauty of trusting the Lord. I got up and was ready to leave and we got to talking about the devastation of the storms yesterday. She said that she was watching the news this morning and that someone from the Peoria news was sharing that because the people in Washington were at church, their lives were likely spared.
The newscaster from CNN asked the man in Peoria how the people had such a sense of calm and the newscaster shared that it was because the people had big faith.
Without even knowing I was a Christian, my math teacher boldly shared with me how encouraged she was by this. She shared with me how she knew that the only way these people could get through this was by standing firm in their faith. Not only that, but the whole country was hearing how God can provide an unexpected peace.
We spent a few minutes sharing about our lives and about the church that she belongs to in town. It was so so fun getting to talk to her about her faith, something that is often a hushed topic in a school setting.
As I was walking home I was processing through what happened yesterday. Looking at the blue skies, I saw how peaceful this day was after such a crazy, surreal day. I felt thankful for Gods consistencies, I felt thankful for safety and security that can only come from the hands of God.
Yesterday, I spent the day at Purdue and before I left we spent time in prayer for each other. I asked for prayer to seek my identity in Christ and for motivation to continue to have conversations about God. It was so sweet to see answered prayer today. While going throughout my normal day, God provided a conversation about God as a result of this crazy storm.
Praise God for his timing. I pray you are encouraged by this. If you invite the Holy Spirit to work, He will and He does.
Love,
Allison
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Messy Hearts.
I think I have been avoiding blogging lately because I just don't want to admit how far away from God I feel like I am. I consistently find myself falling into the trap and lie that if I don't feel God or have an experience within His presence that He no longer needs to be a part of my daily life. He can fit into the perfect box of when I have quiet times or pray but of all other aspects I just don't need Him because I am not experiencing Him. My heart aches just writing that. My heart is so incredibly messy and so unaware of the God of the universe who is always pursuing me with a fervor that never changes.
I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God.
Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that.
If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious.
He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides.
My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter.
The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness.
I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence.
Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.
I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God.
Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that.
If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious.
He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides.
My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter.
The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness.
I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence.
Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
His Will.
Hi friends!
I am going to be honest I don't have anything super fancy to write here, I am just happy and I want to share that with you. I am processing through life and just realizing how truly thankful I am for God's grace and for the place He has me in right in this moment.
There are lots of things coming at me right now. Deciding whether to sign the lease on my house again because I don't know where my field base will be, figuring out post-graduation plans, figuring out what it looks like to follow God well as I become more involved in my major and give him control of my school work when it feels like I can do it on my own, figuring out what it looks like to follow the Lord as a single women in a world that is pressuring me to get married. So. Many. Things.
In the midst of all these crazy things though, the Holy Spirit is giving me a sense of peace that I can't put words to. He is teaching me to live in His embrace and just how much he adores me. That is where this sense of calm is coming from. From me living in light of the gospel and taking time to point myself back to Him through scripture and prayer. My heart is so happy and I praise God for giving me contentment in this place.
As I look at that massive list of things swirling through my head there is one common theme of all of them: unbelief. Unbelief that God has my life under control. Unbelief that He has perfect timing for everything that I have on my plate. Unbelief that He is powerful to use these things for His good. These are all lies, and I am believing them.
So, I look to the truth. God has where I am going to live next year in His plan for me and has it under control. God knows what my school life will look like and continually pushes me to surrender it to Him. God will determine if He desires me to be single or not and if a relationship will come my way, He will use it glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel and if not, He will still use my life to glorify Himself and draw me closer to the gospel, and that is okay.
Ultimately, God's got it all. And no matter what things look like for the rest of my life, I pray that I would see Him shaping me and transforming me for the sake of making the gospel known. That is what I am designed for and I trust that He will do this within His perfect will.
Friends, what things are you not believing about Jesus right now? What is He calling you to give up to Him in order to see what His will is for it rather than your own?
Think about it. Process it with the Lord. Ask Him what He wants you to surrender. Prayerfully seek Him and seek peace in the Holy Spirit. This sense of peace will allow you to focus on God rather than on your anxieties and give God glory through it. After you process with the Lord I would love to process through things with and praying with you through the surrender.
Love,
Allison
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Weak.
Normally when I hear the word weak a negative connotation comes to mind. Incapable, lacking, inadequate, feeble. So, when I opened up my bible app to the She Reads Truth study entitled "Lord, make us weak" I was skeptical.
In many ways the Lord has been pointing out my weaknesses to me this week. I have been very aware this week of my thought life. It has pushed me to see how on my own I am so weak. This next instance is a tough one for me to talk about because it just hurts and i'd rather stuff it away but I see so much fruit come out of being vulnerable so here comes the big one that made me feel so inadequate. I went home with a couple friends on Monday because they needed to go to the Apple store. I was so excited because I was going to surprise my sister and my mom. I had such high expectations for a great reaction from them. (Why do I always let expectations mess with me?!)
And so, I show up at the pizza booth my sister is working at at the fair in my town and she is so excited to see me! She was surprised and it was fun to see her working and enjoying what she was doing. Then the tough part came. My friends dropped me off at home and I knocked on the door and my heart started pounding. I was so excited to be embraced by my mom. She cracks open the door and instead of the smile I was preparing for as I said "surprise!" she instead got really upset with me. Something that I thought would be a blessing to both of us ended up with hurt. She explained to me how she was so hurt that I would just show up and that she didn't really want me there.
My heart dropped to the floor.
How could someone who is supposed to love me be so hurtful. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. So I told her that I would leave. And I did. And she didn't come after me.
I felt more unwanted and unloved in that moment than any other time.
Why doesn't she want me? It just didn't add up in my head. I felt weak. I felt defeated. I felt like I did something wrong.
It took my mom over a half hour to finally contact me with at least five text messages throughout the day apologizing and begging me to come back and spend time with her. I just didn't respond. Why would I want to spend time with someone who made me feel unwelcome in my own home? I just couldn't process that.
When I got in my friends car again they reminded me that they loved me but I just couldn't get over the feeling of defeat and how let down I was feeling. I just wanted the feelings to stop and to feel loved by my family consistently for once. There goes the expectation problem again.
Praise God for pointing me back to the gospel in this.
The next day I was pointed to two pieces of scripture that reminded me of my position as a daughter of a perfect heavenly Parent.
Romans 5:6-8
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
While we were still weak. Not after I conquered this life and became strong on my own. He died in the midst of our weakness and that offers so much hope.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I have so many thrones going on right now...and I have a choice to let these weaknesses define me or to to seek strength during these weaknesses from Christ. Maybe that is why God is allowing Satan to put me through these hard things. God wants me to evidently see His strength through my weakness.
And that is beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses hard things for His glory.
Thank you, Jesus, for showing me your strength when I am weak. You are never weak and you never leave me alone in this. Thank you for embracing me as your daughter when I come home. All praise to You.
Thanks for reading sweet friends! So thankful for you!
Love,
Allison
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Helping Hand.
Friends, the Holy Spirit was working in my heart this morning and I just really want to share with you and I pray you can be encouraged by this as well...:)
So, I was journaling this morning (probably one of my favorite things to do) and processing life with the Lord. Since being back to campus processing is something that has not been a part of life. I have been going through days unaware of how I am feeling and allowing myself to get wrapped in a lot of sin through my thoughts so this morning was much needed.
I was processing through the rut that I have been in and just feeling like I am in a ditch with no way to get out. I suddenly had this vision of a hand coming into the ditch and pulling me up. That hand was the hand of Jesus. It was a reminder that Jesus is my only hope for pulling me out of this place I am in. Not only is He capable of doing this but He wants to. What a Savior.
As I was preparing to get in scripture, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to Holy Words that would speak to me where I am at. My Provider gave me words to live by today.
"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6 (ESV)
This is exactly what I needed.
Holy Spirit, you are pretty cool. Restore my faith. Give me trust. You are powerful. Help me to view you as consistent amidst the craziness of life.
God is good, friends...even in seasons of darkness.
Love you all! :)
Allison
So, I was journaling this morning (probably one of my favorite things to do) and processing life with the Lord. Since being back to campus processing is something that has not been a part of life. I have been going through days unaware of how I am feeling and allowing myself to get wrapped in a lot of sin through my thoughts so this morning was much needed.
I was processing through the rut that I have been in and just feeling like I am in a ditch with no way to get out. I suddenly had this vision of a hand coming into the ditch and pulling me up. That hand was the hand of Jesus. It was a reminder that Jesus is my only hope for pulling me out of this place I am in. Not only is He capable of doing this but He wants to. What a Savior.
As I was preparing to get in scripture, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me to Holy Words that would speak to me where I am at. My Provider gave me words to live by today.
"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6 (ESV)
This is exactly what I needed.
Holy Spirit, you are pretty cool. Restore my faith. Give me trust. You are powerful. Help me to view you as consistent amidst the craziness of life.
God is good, friends...even in seasons of darkness.
Love you all! :)
Allison
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Evidences of God's glory.
Friends, I am just so happy! God is working in crazy ways in my life and using me for His glory on the campus of Illinois State University. Of course there is always hard things so I will start there and save the best for last.
Things with my family have been challenging for so many years and I always put unrealistic expectations on things getting "better". That is a lie that I commonly believe. But that is not something I am promised. I am not promised that life will be clean. My family life is so messy and it seems like there is something new every week that drags me down and it hurts. It is easy for me to start believing the lie that God abandons me in those moments. That things with my family are just too much to handle. But the beautiful thing about that is it is not true. God can and has been using my story to help girls since I have been back into campus and I know he is going to continue to use these hard things to help me to express the concept of grace to other people.
I have also been struggling a lot with people letting me down. Even in small things. It is so challenging because it stings extra hard for me when I am let down because of how let down I constantly feel from my family. My prayer is that my expectations for people would be non-existent and that I could be comforted by the fact that Christ will never leave my side. People will always let me down but there is so much beauty in the fact that God will never ever let me down. That is something I need to be constantly reminded of. (How many times have I typed these words?!)
So onto the ahhhhmazing things that are happening here. I am leading a bible study and we have had an incredible turn out of women coming desiring the Lord and desiring to learn about His word. The first week on campus I was crazy stressed because I was planning all sorts of events for Cru and it is so great to see the outcome of these parties. Women are seeking the Gospel and that is what I have been praying for.
I have also been challenged with learning about how perfect God's timing is. The last two days I have slept through my alarm and woken up about thirty minutes late. Yesterday I showed up to class and it ended up being cancelled and I got to spend time in the Word. Today I woke up around the same time (late! ahh!) and had to go get a Criminal Background Check. I was really frustrated because I got there and there was already a two hour wait. Seriously INSANE! But...the good news is God gave me time to spend time with Him before my class. After I came back from class my name still hadn't been called and I was meeting with a girl at eleven. She came and met with me where the background check was and the Holy Spirit just showed up so evidently through this girl and through the Word.
I am seriously humbled by the way God is choosing to use me for His glory since being back on campus. He does not need me but chooses to use me and encourages me along the way through His word and friends asking me how I am doing and caring about my life. So, thank you if you are someone who has simply asked me how I am doing since being back. It means more than you know to know I am cared about. That is something I need to be reminded of all the time.
I have been really motivated by Psalm 63 and Psalm 118 since being back on campus. (Go-read them!!!) God has brought me to moments of tears realizing how much I need Him and has used scripture to show me that and I am in awe of how cool it is that I am able to experience God speaking to me through this Holy book. God is stretching me and pushing me to take advantage of His grace and the time He has allotted me to spend with Him. Even walking to campus as I see Watterson (the dorm I am leading in) in the distance I am motivated to pray for campus and that is not something that I used to doing. He is shaping me heart friends and it is the coolest!
God is truly good, all the time and that has been SO evident since being back. He has taught me to process life with Him and not just rely on people for that. The first week on campus even though I was around people the whole time, I still felt incredibly lonely. I couldn't believe it. But, not surprising, God is using that to teach me to process through things I am feeling with Him and get perspective on that before bringing it to others. It really helps because then I see what things are coming out of a complaining or self-pity motivation or if they are really constructive to bring up.
Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me daily what it looks like to live as the daughter of a perfect Heavenly King.
Friends, if you are struggling bring it to the Lord. He wants to hear from you just like your friends want to hear from you. Bring struggles to Him first. If you need prayer please let me know. I would love to be lifting your name up into the heavens.
Love you all!! :)
Allison
Things with my family have been challenging for so many years and I always put unrealistic expectations on things getting "better". That is a lie that I commonly believe. But that is not something I am promised. I am not promised that life will be clean. My family life is so messy and it seems like there is something new every week that drags me down and it hurts. It is easy for me to start believing the lie that God abandons me in those moments. That things with my family are just too much to handle. But the beautiful thing about that is it is not true. God can and has been using my story to help girls since I have been back into campus and I know he is going to continue to use these hard things to help me to express the concept of grace to other people.
I have also been struggling a lot with people letting me down. Even in small things. It is so challenging because it stings extra hard for me when I am let down because of how let down I constantly feel from my family. My prayer is that my expectations for people would be non-existent and that I could be comforted by the fact that Christ will never leave my side. People will always let me down but there is so much beauty in the fact that God will never ever let me down. That is something I need to be constantly reminded of. (How many times have I typed these words?!)
So onto the ahhhhmazing things that are happening here. I am leading a bible study and we have had an incredible turn out of women coming desiring the Lord and desiring to learn about His word. The first week on campus I was crazy stressed because I was planning all sorts of events for Cru and it is so great to see the outcome of these parties. Women are seeking the Gospel and that is what I have been praying for.
I have also been challenged with learning about how perfect God's timing is. The last two days I have slept through my alarm and woken up about thirty minutes late. Yesterday I showed up to class and it ended up being cancelled and I got to spend time in the Word. Today I woke up around the same time (late! ahh!) and had to go get a Criminal Background Check. I was really frustrated because I got there and there was already a two hour wait. Seriously INSANE! But...the good news is God gave me time to spend time with Him before my class. After I came back from class my name still hadn't been called and I was meeting with a girl at eleven. She came and met with me where the background check was and the Holy Spirit just showed up so evidently through this girl and through the Word.
I am seriously humbled by the way God is choosing to use me for His glory since being back on campus. He does not need me but chooses to use me and encourages me along the way through His word and friends asking me how I am doing and caring about my life. So, thank you if you are someone who has simply asked me how I am doing since being back. It means more than you know to know I am cared about. That is something I need to be reminded of all the time.
I have been really motivated by Psalm 63 and Psalm 118 since being back on campus. (Go-read them!!!) God has brought me to moments of tears realizing how much I need Him and has used scripture to show me that and I am in awe of how cool it is that I am able to experience God speaking to me through this Holy book. God is stretching me and pushing me to take advantage of His grace and the time He has allotted me to spend with Him. Even walking to campus as I see Watterson (the dorm I am leading in) in the distance I am motivated to pray for campus and that is not something that I used to doing. He is shaping me heart friends and it is the coolest!
God is truly good, all the time and that has been SO evident since being back. He has taught me to process life with Him and not just rely on people for that. The first week on campus even though I was around people the whole time, I still felt incredibly lonely. I couldn't believe it. But, not surprising, God is using that to teach me to process through things I am feeling with Him and get perspective on that before bringing it to others. It really helps because then I see what things are coming out of a complaining or self-pity motivation or if they are really constructive to bring up.
Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me daily what it looks like to live as the daughter of a perfect Heavenly King.
Friends, if you are struggling bring it to the Lord. He wants to hear from you just like your friends want to hear from you. Bring struggles to Him first. If you need prayer please let me know. I would love to be lifting your name up into the heavens.
Love you all!! :)
Allison
Monday, August 5, 2013
Lead Me to the Cross.
Hello amazing lovely people! I am kind of in a very weird place right now. I am not feeling happy nor sad...I am just existing. This seems to be a common theme in my life. I will go through really happy seasons and then through very mundane seasons. I just cannot seem to experience consistency in my emotions and it is truly exhausting.
I did start the 1,000 gifts challenge and it does help me to seek joy in little things...when I make time to actually do it. That has been the struggle of my summer since returning back from Berlin. Making time for Jesus and not believing that He is worthy of my attention and complete devotion and love.
So, where do I go from here. I wish that I had the answer. The only answer that I have is to look toward the cross. This past week I was at Younglife camp with 28 students with special needs. For those who know me well you know that this is just a dream. I absolutely adore every single one of these students and it is cool for me to experience the cross in that.
I truly believe that the love I have for my sweet kiddos is reflective of how much Christ loves me. Even after a melt down I still love them, even after being pushed I still love them, and even after living with them 24/7 I still love them the same. And that is how Christ views me.
When I melt down and stray from Him, He loves me the same. When I push Him away because of unbelief, He loves me the same, and when He lives with me 24/7 and sees just how broken I am, He loves me the same. And this is all possible because of the cross and because of grace.
Praise God for grace. I would be so lost without Jesus taking my sin and wiping my slate completely clean. And not only does He wipe my slate clean but He gives me life and a relationship with Himself. A perfect relationship that I will never experience with anyone else.
So, as I look at how broken I am and how lost I have been since returning from Berlin, I run after the cross and bring my mind back to focusing on Christ. Back to the God who welcomes me back into His presence with open arms. So many students experienced the love of Christ this week and it was beautiful to hear the Gospel and be truly renewed by the love my Father has for me.
As I close, I would love to share with you some highlights of my gift list:
42. Choosing joy over complaining and self-pity.
50. Hammocking on the beach and watching my kiddos swim.
57. Having a massive dance party with all of the Younglife kids outside with glow sticks. Firework by Katy Perry comes on and fireworks go off over the lake. Absolute perfection.
72. Seeing one of our girls hear about the cross and start crying. When asked why she responded "Jesus died". Just beautiful.
80. Experience my kids singing "How He loves" as a wonderful ending to camp. (This song was a theme for our club this year so they are super familiar with it.)
86. The way the Lord consistently pursues me.
87. Being reminded why students with special needs are worth pursuing with the gospel and that my passion for them can be used for God's glory.
Thank you so much for reading and living life with me. I love sharing my heart with you and I pray it is encouraging to you!! :)
Love you all,
Allison
P.S. If you need prayer PLEASE let me know I would love to be praying for you!
I did start the 1,000 gifts challenge and it does help me to seek joy in little things...when I make time to actually do it. That has been the struggle of my summer since returning back from Berlin. Making time for Jesus and not believing that He is worthy of my attention and complete devotion and love.
So, where do I go from here. I wish that I had the answer. The only answer that I have is to look toward the cross. This past week I was at Younglife camp with 28 students with special needs. For those who know me well you know that this is just a dream. I absolutely adore every single one of these students and it is cool for me to experience the cross in that.
I truly believe that the love I have for my sweet kiddos is reflective of how much Christ loves me. Even after a melt down I still love them, even after being pushed I still love them, and even after living with them 24/7 I still love them the same. And that is how Christ views me.
When I melt down and stray from Him, He loves me the same. When I push Him away because of unbelief, He loves me the same, and when He lives with me 24/7 and sees just how broken I am, He loves me the same. And this is all possible because of the cross and because of grace.
Praise God for grace. I would be so lost without Jesus taking my sin and wiping my slate completely clean. And not only does He wipe my slate clean but He gives me life and a relationship with Himself. A perfect relationship that I will never experience with anyone else.
So, as I look at how broken I am and how lost I have been since returning from Berlin, I run after the cross and bring my mind back to focusing on Christ. Back to the God who welcomes me back into His presence with open arms. So many students experienced the love of Christ this week and it was beautiful to hear the Gospel and be truly renewed by the love my Father has for me.
As I close, I would love to share with you some highlights of my gift list:
42. Choosing joy over complaining and self-pity.
50. Hammocking on the beach and watching my kiddos swim.
57. Having a massive dance party with all of the Younglife kids outside with glow sticks. Firework by Katy Perry comes on and fireworks go off over the lake. Absolute perfection.
72. Seeing one of our girls hear about the cross and start crying. When asked why she responded "Jesus died". Just beautiful.
80. Experience my kids singing "How He loves" as a wonderful ending to camp. (This song was a theme for our club this year so they are super familiar with it.)
86. The way the Lord consistently pursues me.
87. Being reminded why students with special needs are worth pursuing with the gospel and that my passion for them can be used for God's glory.
Thank you so much for reading and living life with me. I love sharing my heart with you and I pray it is encouraging to you!! :)
Love you all,
Allison
P.S. If you need prayer PLEASE let me know I would love to be praying for you!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Daily Mercies.
Oh my word has it been a long time since I have posted. That is so not me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I wasn't posting my updates for Berlin on my blog so there goes six weeks and as for the threeish weeks I have been home well, that just goes to laziness and business.
Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch.
My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God.
Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan.
In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it.
Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away.
In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift.
I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too.
Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight:
Being home has been more challenging than I expected. The first week was great. I was totally in the honeymoon period. I was happy to spend time with my family and start working again as a nanny. Then hit the rough patch.
My mom and I suddenly weren't getting along. I was struggling with lack of community and intentional relationships and I just felt stuck. I was avoiding spending time in the Word and in prayer. Honestly, I think a lot of that has to do with not having it built into my schedule like it was while I was in Berlin. Either way, I realized I was depending on my own power and not on the Lords power. I was allowing myself to take hold of my life and not giving up control to God.
Well today, my world was rocked. Don't you just love those moments? The moments when God opens your eyes so clearly to things you need to trust Him for. Today was a draining day for me. I woke up early to drive my mom to work, I went to work, and then had to go have dinner with my dad and my sister. At dinner tonight my dad broke the news to me that I might not be able to take the car with me to school right away. My plan was to drive myself down to school and then over Labor Day drive down to see my family in Kentucky. Did you catch that part of that sentence that isn't accurate. My plan. This life is never my plan. It is always Gods plan.
In big life decisions it is easy for me to give up control to God. But this little thing didn't seem like something I needed to surrender. But God calls me to surrender to Him in everything. So, as I was pushing against God's gentle pushes from the Holy Spirit to give up control all I can do is surrender. At work, with my family, with my friends, He wants it all. Not just some of it, all of it.
Another thing I am processing through is incorporating the Lord into my everyday life. When I step into the house of the family I nanny for it is so easy to believe the lie that I don't need God because this is what I am good at. Wrong again. I need God more than ever. Life is hard. God doesn't promise an easy life but He does promise to go before me in this life and stand beside me as I deal with weaknesses and struggles. I cannot do this alone and I praise God for never abandoning me even when I am pushing myself away.
In those moments where one of the boys I nanny is telling me to go away and slamming doors in my face for hours a day. In those moments where I am disagreeing with my parents and giving them a false image of Christ. In those moments where I choose worldly comfort and relaxation over gaining comfort from the Word of God. Those are the moments that I am able to see God pulling me back. Bringing me back into new mercies. Oh my, how beautiful is this precious gift.
I couldn't be more thankful for the gift of grace and that each morning when I wake up God is restoring me and has my life completely under control. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. How beautiful and amazing it is to have a God who perfectly pursues me and teaches me that He is constant and always there. Every day, every step, every door slam, every hardship. Friends, if this is something you desire and you aren't already a follower of Christ, chase after God. He wants you to come into His kingdom and I would love to talk to you about the ways God is transforming my heart and how He can transform yours too.
Here is some scripture that is encouraging to me tonight:
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1-5
Aren't these sweet words? God is present. He is here and I am grateful for grace.
One more thing, I am reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Maybe you have heard of it but if not its a book about writing a list of one thousand things you are thankful for. And I am taking the challenge for a more joy filled life from acknowledging things I am grateful for. Even the little things. So, I will be posting some of them on my blog! Isn't that fun?! If you want to join me I would love it. Or ask me about it sometime...I will need some accountability. ;)
I praise God for you sweet people in my life. I truly love you all. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your sweet presence in my life. You are all such an amazing blessing and joy. Love you all!
In Him,
Allison
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Big News!!
Friends...I have some pretty grand news to share...
I AM FULLY SUPPORTED FOR BERLIN!!!!!
My heart is just ready to burst with joy. My smile has been off the wall pretty much all night. I am feeling so much peace and I am not going to lie, I feel pretty content to be done with this
process and to be able to examine my heart for where I am at with the Lord and the ways He has grown me in these last couple months.
This whole process has proven to be a time in my life that I have had to seek dependence and reliance on the Lord more than ever. That has probably been the biggest challenge. This was reflected in the way that I sought the Lord through this process. Because this process landed in the busiest time of the year for school it was even harder to seek the Lord. As I look back, I am realizing how little I was seeking His face in my daily life. I knew He was constant and I knew He was there with me through this, but the daily surrender was the place I recognized the most distance from the Lord.
I tend to use the excuse of busyness often as a way to push myself away from the Lord when I am not experiencing His presence. As I am realizing this to be so true of my heart I am asking the Lord to push me toward His presence as I am home for these two weeks before project. (I leave TWO WEEKS from today!) I have so much time right now that I can spend hours of my day with the Lord. I can come and sit at a coffee shop (like I am doing right now!) and journal and get in the word and blog and pray. No longer do I have an excuse because I have no commitments right now. I just have time.
As I was just starting the support raising process I had prayed that God would teach me to trust, rely, and surrender to Him. I prayed that He would challenge me leading up to project because I knew that actually going on project I would need to rely on the Lord more than I ever have before and so I wanted to start now so that I could go into project with a new found dependence on His power. Friends, prayer is powerful and God is faithful because this experience has proven to be that for me. God has taught me what it takes to trust in Him and has proved that He will provide in big ways when I do.
There were some weeks where I was having so much anxiety about going. Satan was whispering in my ear so many lies. Lies about not raising enough money and about God not wanting me in Berlin. Once I recognized these lies I was able to combat them. I know when I get to Berlin these lies are going to be intensified and I will need to continue to recognize them through the power of the Holy Spirit and combat them with truths about God.
God also provided some really good weeks. When I came home last week I was kind of apprehensive about going to church just because it is hard to come back when most of my friends there are still at school. But I went and I am so glad I did. The pastor preached about how we often come across crisis' of belief meaning stepping up and trusting God that He knows what He is doing with His plan for my life. I was thinking, "okay, I have done that in deciding to go to Berlin, now what?" The Pastor then talked about how God gives us God-sized missions and we have to trust Him to provide those because we can't do them on our own. After hearing this I surrendered the process back up to the Lord and since then He has provided all my support. Why didn't I do this before?!?! haha :) God has shown me the importance of faith throughout this whole process.
I have been told that many people in Berlin have never even heard of Jesus. Every time I tell someone that or think about it my heart pains for those people. Of course Satan doesn't want us there. He wants to keep Jesus as in the dark as possible. But then I remember my favorite verse and the title of this blog. "God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5....that is what I have to cling to. He is light and even though there is so much darkness there, He is good and faithful and desires for the people He created to be drawn into His presence.
I feel humbled that God wants to use ME for His great work in Berlin. He is using ME to bring light to these people....WHAT THE HECK?! I think that is the coolest thing ever.
As the date to leave (May 23rd) is getting closer I keep looking back to last year. One year ago I was absolutely against going for God. I wanted to keep my job that I loved and wanted to be comfortable. I didn't want to go through the process of support raising because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It is so cool to see how God has transformed my heart. How now I am going for God. I was willing to sacrifice my job but God has perfect timing and I get to keep my job AND go to Younglife camp.
I am just feeling incredibly blessed in this moment. Part of my quiet time tonight was in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). Tonight, after many days of running from God and not spending time with Him, He has drawn me back to Him. The most beautiful and amazing part is that He welcomes me with open arms and delights in me when I come back. I praise God for his willingness to stick by me through this process and for how much it is within His character for Him to never leave me or forsake me.
He can't wait to be right with me and, unlike a human, His affections for me will never be subdued or change. God truly is good all the time.
Thanks to those who stuck with me through this crazy and at times messy journey. I am so grateful for all of you. And of course for all those who have prayerfully and financially supported me. You all rock. :)
PLEASE let me know how I can be praying for all of you! :)
Sending love,
Allison
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Dependency.
This week has been a major struggle. We got support coaches which is great and the amazing women who is my support coach is actually the women that I babysit for on a weekly basis so it is fun to get to have her helping me out.
Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out.
I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own.
A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer.
I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go.
Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed.
I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power.
This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull.
I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.
My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me.
So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue.
I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies.
The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son.
God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone.
"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
Love you all! God bless!
Allison :)
P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541
Anyways, she asked for all of my numbers on how many letters I had sent out and how many phone calls I had made and how much money I had and it just really stressed me out.
I was so confident going into the process of support raising that I didn't see a need to rely on the Lord. I knew that I had people in my life who loved me and who would love to support me financially and therefore the process of support raising turned into something I thought I could do on my own.
A couple of weeks ago I had prayed that God would put me in a circumstance where I would have to surrender so much to His power that I would have to completely rely and trust on Him for strength and He came through on that prayer.
I began feeling extremely anxious about support raising and was scared that God wouldn't provide. I was believing lies that God wasn't going to bring in all the money and thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to go.
Once I realized the lies I was believing I started telling myself that God wanted me in Berlin this summer and He gave me a heart for His people and desires me to surrender to His will in this way and therefore would bring in the support I needed.
I am not sure why it is so scary to trust a God who is all powerful. And that power that raised His Son from the dead for my sins lives inside of me. He can do this. Only He is capable of doing this. I must trust in this amazing power.
This week has really brought my emotions to a low point. I am extra irritable and until this afternoon wasn't really sure what was causing this lull.
I realized I am having trouble depending on the Lord. I got this idea in my mind that I didn't need to be dependent on Him and that is so far from the truth. If anything, I need His dependence more than ever through this process. Only God can give me strength right now. Only God can give me an indescribable joy from being dependent on Him and believing in the Gospel.
My confidence right now is in my lack of joy. My hope is based on my performance and when I don't preform my joy slides. I am allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am feeling sad and not in the fact that I am a daughter of the King who suffered so much more on my behalf than any suffering I will ever experience. God delights in me and is never disappointed in me.
So, as I continue this last month (and three days:)) of support raising I am desiring to allow God's comfort and strength to take hold of my heart. I want the gospel to fill my heart so much that I have a joy that I can't explain because it is coming from the Holy Spirit. (I have experienced this before and it is pretty great!) I let my pride and self-reliance get in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I let Satan feed me lies that are so untrue.
I ask for prayer for this because it is not going to be easy for me to give Him control and return my dependence back to Him but it is worth it. He will provide. He will help me combat these lies.
The beautiful part of all of this is that no matter how distant I am feeling from the Lord I am always justified. From the moment I accepted Christ I am justified permanently in my position in Christ and am now confident that my sin is wiped away because he credited my sin to His Son.
God is all I need. He is my power source and my place of reliance. Let this be true of my heart. Praise God for growing me closer to Him already through the process of support raising. He is everything I could hope for. His love is unfailing and overflows. I need Him. I can't do it alone.
"Now all glory to God, who is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
Love you all! God bless!
Allison :)
P.S. I did the math and I am officially supported for 22 days of 37! If you are interested in giving here is the link! https://give.cru.org/0684541
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)