Deficits

This semester, I spend two full days a week at a junior high in town with students with learning disabilities and ADHD. And let me tell you, I love it. I'm sure this doesn't surprise most of you. :) After spending time processing with my roommate this morning, I realized some really cool things about my relationship with my students. 

My students, albeit high functioning, have a deficit mentally. Without the help of me and my cooperating teacher (CT) meeting my students at their ability level, they wouldn't function well at school. They would try to live up to the expectations of their teachers, peers, and state standards and they would ultimately fail. They need my CT and I to function at school. Without us, they would not make it to the next grade. 

Similarly to my students, we all have heart deficits. Sinfully, we cannot live up to the standard that Christ has set for us. These deficits are exposed mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and emotionally. The only way that we can get to the end is by having a Teacher intervene, our Savior Jesus needs to enter into our lives. Jesus meets us beautifully where we are and saves us without having to perform to a worldly standard. 

My students do not always perform at the same level as their peers. They have extended deadlines for projects and extra help during class. If they choose to play a game instead of doing their homework during study hall, they receive grace. If they argue with us about our expectations for their behavior, they receive grace. (And punishment too)  If they forget to turn in an assignment (as many of them do), they are able to turn it in late even when they don't deserve to.  And when they forget to turn in an assignment again and again and again, they receive grace upon grace upon grace. When I walk in sin and don't repent, I receive grace. When I choose other things over spending time with God, I receive grace. When I turn to my friends to help me make decisions over God, I receive grace. He extends me grace upon grace upon grace. Chance after chance after chance. 

Christ is willing to meet YOU right where you are today and stand beside you in ruins and brokenness no matter how bad you think your deficit is. His goal for His students is to have salvation and have us in heaven with Him. The only thing we have to do is accept Him and repent (ask for forgiveness) and receive His grace upon grace upon grace. 

I LOVE my students. I am beyond passionate to drive them to do their work so that it is honoring to their teachers. Our lives should be reflective of this. We love God so much that we desperately want to honor Him by the way we live our lives. This doesn't mean your salvation will be taken away if you don't read your bible every day or pray all the time. But, if we believe God is so worthy of our lives, like my students do of their teachers, we want to do things that are glorifying to Him and allow us to put a greater identity in Him. 

Our deficits are not greater than our Teacher can handle. In fact, our Teacher is so much greater than our greatest, deepest weakness. What deficit can you lift up to your Father and put in His control and allow Him to extended grace upon grace upon grace you you today? 

Love, 
Allison 

Health Update.

Hey friends! 

I hope that all is well in your lives. In the craziness of school and exhaustion from my health I have had (what feels like) no time to spend in this atmosphere. Needless to say, I am thankful to be back and take time to share with you about my health and process some things that have been very difficult lately. So, I appreciate you coming here and meeting me in this sacred place. I pray you leave her in a greater understanding of the Gospel. So here goes nothing....:)

Since my last post, I have been on a steady decline with my health. The biggest symptom that effects my daily life is extreme exhaustion. I am constantly tired. Even after sleeping over twelve hours at night. I just don't feel energy. Some days are definitely better than others and for that I am thankful. Those good days are the days I cherish and treasure. As a result of being so tired, I am having a hard time focusing on things and I have been having memory issues. (Memory issues could potentially be linked to seizures too). One day two weeks ago, I developed a fever while at my Gospel Community. I was supposed to go to my Action Group bible study with Cru but my body was so clearly telling me that I needed rest. I called my bible study leader crying saying that I didn't think I could handle doing ministry with Cru during this season. I was terrified to even bring that topic up but she graciously told me that I need to take care of myself and that it was okay. So, about a week ago was my last week doing official ministry with Cru. While I am still involved in the weekly meeting and one discipleship relationship, my roles have drastically changed and I am thankful for a season of rest. 

I have gone to three different doctors in the last week for different things in hoping to get some answers for why  I am feeling so lousy. The first doctor I went to was a homeopathic doctor that goes to my church. He found some problems with my ability to get deep sleep, detox estrogen, keep yeast in my stomach, and of course I again had a sinus and head infection. He started me on some natural supplements to help these things. While at his office (Praise God!) I fainted. I think it is because of my lack of appetite and therefore my lack of nutrients in my system. Just another push from the Lord that my body needs more rest. Right now, I am only eating two small meals a day and have lost about fifteen pounds. The sleep medication that I am on seems to be having adverse effects to my system and causing me to feel wired after I take it and I have been waking up every three to four hours in the night. I am a hot mess. ha. 

Then, I went to the gynecologist. I have been having severe pain in my left breast. I already had a follow up appointment for a medication he put me on so I had him give me an exam and he told me that I have pebble-like cysts and need to take Vitamin E for a month to see if the swelling of them goes down. Right now the cysts are filling with fluid and causing insane pain. If the pain doesn't go away, I will have to have an ultra-sound to rule out potential and more severe things. 

Finally, I went to a general practitioner. Members of my family wanted me to get blood work done to check some of my levels. After telling him my symptoms, he came to the conclusion that I was just really depressed. I did not agree. Depression has definitely been part of my symptoms but is not the root cause. This weekend we had lots of friends in town and during a party we had for them,  I had to go take a nap. I was so sad to not be with them but I just couldn't make it through. This is what makes me think it is not depression. 

I have many other symptoms but I won't bore you! :) 

Spiritually, it continues to be a season of dryness but at the same time, I feel like the Lord is growing me so much. I am having a hard time believing that the Lord is doing his good for me by causing my body to physically fail. I just can't wrap my mind around it. And it is so painful. At church this morning we sang a song about God wrapping his arms around us. I don't feel anywhere near comforted by God right now. Believe me, I so badly want to be because I know it will help but I just got this image of me tearing God's hands off my body and pushing him away. I am having a hard time trusting someone who is putting me through pain for His good. That just seems backwards to me. 

So, I am dealing with anger and frustration on a consistent basis. I know in my head the things that could help make it better and I just don't seem to have any drive left in me to run towards God. I pray that this changes. I need God. I am evidently insufficient without Him. And that is where the Gospel comes in. I need to be saved by someone greater than I. Not my doctors or medication but by Jesus who shed his blood for me, the woman who is running away from Him in frustration. And every time I return he wraps His arms back around me. Friends, will you pray for me that I would find my sufficiency in Christ rather than in my physical health? Would you pray that I would rely on God's work over the work of my medicine or doctors? And finally, would you pray that my heart would be softened in order to be comforted by God? 

That was an insanely long post and I appreciate you bearing with me through it all and giving me a place to process. I am beyond thankful for those standing beside me in a very difficult season of life. 

Love you all, 
Allison 

A shaded tree no longer.

Life has been so hard lately. 

Seizures. EEGs. Depression. Exhaustion. Spiritual Dryness. 

I am at a low. A low that I haven't experienced since high school. I want to believe 1 Peter 1:6&7 when it says "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ", but it is so hard to be in the thick of it all and still rejoice. 

But in the thick of it all is where I am for this season and I have to find a way to cope with it all. 

A short update before I continue. A couple of days ago, I went to the hospital for a scheduled eight hour EEG scan. The night before I felt mostly calm but did have trouble falling asleep and I am assuming it was due to anxiety. I went to sleep at midnight and had to wake up at four in the morning. Seizures are more likely with lack of sleep. I woke up at four and spent most of my morning watching T.V. and hanging out with the family I am living with. I went in and felt very calm and almost excited to have a day to rest and to hopefully get some answers. I have still been experiencing some seizure symptoms but there is now way to know if I am actually having them because they are occurring in my sleep. I had twenty-three electrodes placed around my head and two on my chest to measure my heart. I slept for about half of it and was alert for half of it. The women who administered the test told me at the end that she saw some questionable things but wasn't a doctor so she couldn't tell me anything for sure. She also said that she didn't feel there was anything of urgent need so that gave me some relief. My doctor told me to call him a week after the scan and then I will find out my results. No surprise here, I am having trouble being patient. 

I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago and a dear project staff friend asked me how I was dealing emotionally with my health stuff. At this point I had kind of separated health issues with my emotional issues. I came to the realization as I processed with her that I am really not okay with all that is going on. This amazing women has dealt with some similar, and way more intense, health issues with her family and it was such a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who actually understood the things I was feeling and could relate to me. 

Since our conversation I have been (attempting) to process what I am experiencing in my heart and how to cope with it with God. Here is what I have realized...

I have a tendency to rely on myself, especially physically. In general, I have been pretty healthy for most of my life. I have had issues but nothing as significantly life-changing as this. God has brought me to a point of complete physical brokenness. My body is no longer a sense of strength for me but rather my greatest weakness. I have headaches frequently, I am constantly tired, and I haven't had much of an appetite. My body is showing me that I need God. I don't have a choice but to rely on my healer. It is such a beautiful image but it is still so hard to put into action. For me, I would like to see this looking like living a life of consistent prayer. By focusing my heart on God, I am able to see his ability to work in amazing ways. My hope can be in nothing else but Christ and the promises of eternity because everything else has seemingly failed and will always fail. 

This morning, I was spending time in Jonah. I have had many very strange signs pointing me towards that book and it is one that I have read over and over again throughout this storm where I feel like I have been tossed overboard. I was reading it this morning and read the last chapter where the Lord sends a tree to protect Jonah and then take it away. God is testing Jonahs consistency in following Him. 

God gave me ten beautiful seizure free years. And now he is sending a worm to take away my shaded tree. He is making me uncomfortable to a point of having to rely on him and rejoice with a thankful heart in the things that I do have. I am in a season of suffering. I have fears about school and ministry starting. I am so tired that I am fearful that I won't make it. But my strength doesn't come from myself, it comes from God and through him I will get through this season in whatever way he desires. 

I am also experience pretty consistent sadness. I was put back on anti-depressants and am seeking out therapy. I was talking to the same friend and realized that a lot of my depression could be coming from the fact that my brain is out of sorts. My serotonin levels are a mess and this could be due to the fact that the neurons in my brain are not properly functioning. I wish that this made it easier to deal with and to find joy through but it hasn't and I feel frustrated. 

But, the only hope that I have is in the constant, firm, and consistent foundation of my relationship with Christ. Where is an area of your life where you feel like Christ wants you to give up your reliance on yourself and give it up to Him? 

Thanks for reading sweet friends. I love you all so so much.

Allison 

Update!

Friends, I feel like I am sinking and yet on such a sturdy foundation at the same time. Gosh, that sounds so stinking contradicting. Let me explain.

The last month or so has been a huge whirlwind of health issues. About a month ago I think that I had a seizure in my sleep. I woke up feeling confused where I was, with a massive headache, and really weak and dizzy. For a couple days I just kind of brushed it off. I babysit for a family whose dad is a doctor and I debated back and forth about whether I wanted to seek medical advice. In fact, for a few days I didn't even put having a seizure in my mind as a possibility. Ten years ago, I had three major seizures. I was hospitalized and unconscious for many days while on Thanksgiving break in Kentucky. They never found anything wrong praise God. Then, suddenly ten years later I think I had one. It felt so out of the blue but I was so trusting in the Lord.

   As many of you know I am so emotionally driven. I make many decisions and judge the condition of my heart and sometimes even the state of my position in Christ based on how I feel. But in the last months I have experienced the beauty of living in the Spirit and relying on The Lord in all aspects of life without being defined by circumstance. That was one of the most freeing realizations I've ever had. After three days of waiting, I finally decided to go to the doctor. I was experiencing memory loss, consistent headaches, and being tired all the time.  Even when I would get lots of sleep, I would still feel tired.  Something was wrong.

The doctor ordered an EEG (I had to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4am and my procedure wasn't till 9am and my wonderful friends met me for breakfast) and the Friday before spring break I went to the hospital. I still felt so confident in the beauty of the Gospel and Gods hand residing all throughout the doctors, the procedure, and my body.  I pleaded with the Lord to bring glory to this and for me to believe that He works all things together for good. About coming back from spring break, I got a voicemail from my doctor telling me they had found some sort of abnormality in the front right part of my brain. My heart dropped so quickly into my stomach. It was a voicemail. I couldn't ask any questions and the office was closed for the day. All I could think about was the potential that I may have had a brain tumor and the implications that would have on my life. I continued to feel so much assurance in the Lord.

He ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and some other less severe symptoms. This time I didn't have to get up early so I felt a lot more rested and a lot less tense than I did going into the EEG.  Throughout the procedure I listened to Christian radio and prayed the whole time. That was the only way that I was going to not freak out in that little tiny space. I was told I would hear back in about five to ten days. Now was the true test to trust the Lord.

That following Sunday I woke up with a significant headache. I was so sensitive to noise and light. I felt dizzy and out of it. Similar to how I was feeling when I woke up after the first seizure. I was scared that if I went to church, I was going to have a seizure. My roommates mom is a nurse and walked us through tests we could do at home to see if there were any signs. After much debate, we decided to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I got blood work done and long story short found out I didn't have a brain tumor. Praise God!! I was put on seizure medication and also an antibiotic for a sinus infection. (Basically, I am a hot mess!)

As all of this was happening, I was reading through the book of Jonah with She Reads Truth and it really kept me focused on the Lord. I love Jonah. It is now one of my favorite books. I realized how God was continuing to pursue me in significant ways. Just as he pursued Jonah with a storm He appeared to be pursuing me with one too. What a merciful God we have to draw me back to himself and show me how I needed to seek sufficiently in Him or I wouldn't make it through. He taught me my need for the Gospel and how He is truly the only One that I can rely on.

Life continues to have gotten crazier as the semester is ending. My medicine is giving me significant side effects. I feel tired constantly and even when I sleep a sufficient amount, I still don't feel rested. I haven't been able to eat a full meal in a week. My body is failing me. But gosh, doesn't our failing body and heart always point us to our brokenness? I am so thankful for this challenge because God has pushed me closer to Himself than during any other time in my life. I have loved experiencing the Gospel through this and have grown in thankfulness for my salvation. My time in the Bible has changed both in how I approach it and my motivation to do it.

But in the last couple days I have been struggling. My relationship with my mom has gone down hill and it is causing me to let down my guard down in trusting my perfect Heavenly Father.  I have found myself trusting in the security of my health. But gosh, I can't trust in anything of the world. I can only trust in Jesus and man, I couldn't imagine getting through this crazy world without Him.  Thanks for bearing with me through this post. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening. Pray with me that we would all understand our sufficiency in Christ.

Love you dear friends,
Allison

No Condemnation.

Oh my, I haven't entered these beautiful writing grounds since November...can you believe that? I can't. I absolutely love blogging. It helps me process better than any other method and yet I have neglected to take part in the world of blogging. So I am back! Yay! 

There is so much life that has not been documented here which makes me sad. This is not the only thing I have been neglected in the last months though. I have been neglecting God, too. And maybe that is why I didn't want to blog...because I felt so distant and far off from God and I didn't want to take time out of the busyness to figure out why. Don't hear me wrong, I didn't stop believing in God by any means, I just felt distance. 

Some of you know this about me but I am often found guilty of relying on my feelings for everything. If I am sad then I start to believe the lie that Christ isn't sufficient enough for me. And if I am happy then I believe the lie that I am too sufficient for Christ. What contradicting statements. But what truth of what goes on in my heart. I have had some really sad days this semester. I have experienced sadness that  I haven't experienced since high school. It really is crippling. Part of it is my body adjusting to a new medicine and part of it is my disbelief in Gods ability to give me joy through Himself and not submitting to the Holy Spirits power.

All of this has come to a crashing halt this week. I had another "down day" this week. I was angry at everyone and everything...I was annoyed at everyone and everything...and I had barely any motivation to even get out of bed. I was just sad. And I found myself desiring to fall into a state of self-pity and sleep to escape it. I thought it would make me feel better. 

Praise God, I am way too busy to just sleep to escape it anymore and I really just had to live through it. And it sucked. I went to babysit a family in town who I have really fallen in love with this semester since I started babysitting for them. They are the most authentic and real believers I have ever met. They praise God with open hands and hearts and are instilling that in their children. I truly love being there...but this day I just didn't want to and yet God totally used it. 

Colleen (the mom) could tell I was off and as soon as I came in the door she embraced me with a beautiful hug. What a beautiful picture of my Savior embracing me when I come home to Him. And she didn't even know anything was wrong. She told me to just sit down and relax. Isn't that what Christ says to us? My Child, take time to rest in my presence. I love this picture. What a redeeming moment for this believers heart. 

I have also been thinking a lot about condemnation. At church on Sunday, the pastor preached on Romans 8. Lately when I have been going to church I haven't felt a ton of conviction or things actually sticking to my heart but this week there were globs of sweet beautiful truths covering and sticking to my messy heart. (think gum people :)) 

He shared with us about condemnation and that has been in my head and changing my heart all week. Read this....its life-changing people!! 

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.[a] 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you[b] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,[c] he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

He asked us if we could allow our hearts to believe that there is actually no condemnation? That in the eyes of Christ and as His daughter, I am set free in Christ despite my sin. I have a 0% chance of being condemned by Christ as His daughter. I can trust this like I can trust that there is a 0% chance of snow in Hawaii on a given day. (His analogy not mine) So, I am looking to truth this week instead of relying on my feelings. 

I am looking at how Christ loves me so much and lovingly embraces me every time I come home. How God can look at me and know somethings wrong and He wants to hear about it. How he has given me His Spirit to rely on and find joy through. How he has given me His word as a way to connect to His presence. I am learning to have a consistent grateful heart towards the goodness of God and believing that there is 0% chance of condemnation in Christ. Believe with me brothers and sisters? 

Love you all! 

Allison Neal

Peace.

This morning after my class I went in to see my math professor to take an extra credit quiz I missed due to a field trip last week.  If you know me well, you know math is not my strong suit so I was not excited to go in and take this quiz. Really, my fear of failing or not performing to certain standard got the best of me. But, this morning when I left for class I had an expectation for the Lord to work today. I didn't spend time in prayer or in the word this morning I just felt that the Holy Spirit was going to work today. 

So, I went in and took my math quiz and my teacher took a quick glance at it and told me that I had gotten all of the problems correct. I praised God. It was a cool moment of relief and realizing the beauty of trusting the Lord. I got up and was ready to leave and we got to talking about the devastation of the storms yesterday. She said that she was watching the news this morning and that someone from the Peoria news was sharing that because the people in Washington were at church, their lives were likely spared. 

The newscaster from CNN asked the man in Peoria how the people had such a sense of calm and the newscaster shared that it was because the people had big faith. 

Without even knowing I was a Christian, my math teacher boldly shared with me how encouraged she was by this.  She shared with me how she knew that the only way these people could get through this was by standing firm in their faith. Not only that, but the whole country was hearing how God can provide an unexpected peace. 

We spent a few minutes sharing about our lives and about the church that she belongs to in town. It was so so fun getting to talk to her about her faith, something that is often a hushed topic in a school setting. 

As I was walking home I was processing through what happened yesterday. Looking at the blue skies, I saw how peaceful this day was after such a crazy, surreal day. I felt thankful for Gods consistencies, I felt thankful for safety and security that can only come from the hands of God. 

Yesterday, I spent the day at Purdue and before I left we spent time in prayer for each other. I asked for prayer to seek my identity in Christ and for motivation to continue to have conversations about God. It was so sweet to see answered prayer today. While going throughout my normal day, God provided a conversation about God as a result of this crazy storm.

Praise God for his timing. I pray you are encouraged by this. If you invite the Holy Spirit to work, He will and He does. 

Love,

Allison

Messy Hearts.

I think I have been avoiding blogging lately because I just don't want to admit how far away from God I feel like I am. I consistently find myself falling into the trap and lie that if I don't feel God or have an experience within His presence that He no longer needs to be a part of my daily life. He can fit into the perfect box of when I have quiet times or pray but of all other aspects I just don't need Him because I am not experiencing Him. My heart aches just writing that. My heart is so incredibly messy and so unaware of the God of the universe who is always pursuing me with a fervor that never changes. 

I have been increasingly unaware of where my heart is. I have continually had sin revealed in my heart and yet I don't do anything with it. I don't push myself closer to the gospel, I don't praise God for the way the Holy Spirit is working in my life, I don't repent...it just sits. I need the Spirit to reveal to me what it looks like to be led by the Spirit and allow my life to be shaped by transformation of my heart that can only come from an all-powerful God. 

Lately, life has been going incredibly well. I recently got a 100% on a major Special Education project for one of my classes, my dad bought me a car, I am growing in relationship with community at school. I really just feel happy and this is the hardest place for me to be. (Sounds backwards, right?!) I feel like I am doing all of these things on my own power and just don't really need Gods help. Again, my heart aches to write that. 

If I take perspective, I realize God is putting all of these things perfectly into place. I look at my recent grade for my class and realize God has put me in a major and given me a passion for something that I am good at and can honor Him through. My love for what I am going to do in my future can only come from a God who is passionate for His people and gives me a love for a population of people that often aren't given an opportunity to hear the Gospel. This is a unique love that can only come out of having the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And I just don't take opportunity to show thankfulness or give the Lord credit for the work He is doing through me in my academics. The Lord has redeemed this. A year ago, I was struggling in school. It eventually got me to a point of having to retake classes in order to have a good enough major GPA to register for the next semester. He has now brought me out of that and taken me to a place where I have high A's in three out of four of my classes. And I just don't give Him credit for that. Clearly on my own power I fail, but with Christs power and allowing Him to work through my school work, He is glorified and is victorious. 

He also perfectly planned out a time for parents to be able to buy me a car. The fact that financially that is even possible is incredible. When my parents got divorced finances were really tight and I never would have dreamed that a car would be in my future. God has redeemed my relationship with my parents and has blessed them with money to buy me a car in order to get to the schools I will be in next semester. It is a big deal and I just praised my parents and their money instead of God who always provides. 

My life is so reflective of living of the world right now. I am experiencing what feels like worldly success. But really...all of this "success" is God blessing my life and using it for His glory. He continues to reveal His goodness to me through amazing things that have been happening lately and all my messed up hearts does is praise the world. So much of my identity is being found in my grades and things of the world that I am not taking time to stop and praise God for all He does to provide for His daughter. 

The beauty in all of this is that God rejoices in me running into His arms. He desires to spend time with me and hear how I am doing. Unlike humans, He never gets tired of hearing about how I am doing and what is going well and what is hard. He never changes, He never has conflicting motivations, He doesn't get bored or distracted. He is constantly focused on me and always ready to spend time pursuing me. He will never turn His back on me. And I can be completely open and raw with Him and He still loves me despite my messy heart all because of the blood shed on the cross that allows for perfect forgiveness. 

I praise God for these truths about His character and the way He continues to use different avenues (like this blog-I had no idea what I was going to write and the Holy Spirit just revealed so much sin to me) to pursue me and help me to experience life in light of His presence. 

Father, I am selfish and I need you to transform my heart to be more like Yours. Give me a heart of repentance and belief in the power of grace. Thank you for revealing my sin to me so that I can see just how in need of a savior I truly am. Humble me, Lord, to believe it is your work in my life that is making things go well and not my own. Amen.