Refuge.

This week has been really tough. 

One of my dear friends, Sheila, is battling breast cancer right now. (hence the pink!) 

As I was talking with her yesterday right before she was going in for her radiation treatment I felt a sense of sadness. She was sharing with me how sore she is and how humiliating it is to have to do the treatment in the way she does. 

Probably the worst feeling is when a friend is hurting and you physically cannot be there. When my parents were going through their divorce I was at Sheilas all the time hanging out and falling in love with her son Randy, her sisters little boy James, and their family. 

Their family helped me feel a sense of normalcy. They showed me how to love well. Literally their whole family including their siblings, cousins, and parents welcomed me with open arms and allowed me to enjoy family events with them that I didn't want to do with my family. 

I cannot express in words how thankful I am to them. 

I want to ask for prayers for her. She is one the most faithful women I have ever met. She has such a beautiful heart. Despite all of the tough things that are happening to her and her sister she has remained faithful to the Lord and never fails to bring glory back to God. 

Seeing all this pink around campus has brought new meaning to me. Having dealt with cancer earlier this month with my friend John's mom passing away it is really hitting hard. Pray for cancer patients this week. Every day is a day of survival and a day to celebrate. 

I have been really convicted this week about complaining. I often will "vent" to someone about something and as I am looking back on the situation I realize how much I really complain. 

I was shown this week through a book and through talking with Sheila to be thankful for everything. Instead of complaining about it I need to figure out how to fix it and turn that complaint into a praise. Looking on the bright side is totally something that I need to constantly be reminded of. 

It shouldn't matter how bad a situation I think I am going through is, I have God on my side and nothing can really get better than that. (I am still praying that this would become heart knowledge :)) 

I have just not really been desiring the Lord this week and that is really hard for me because my relationship with the Lord has been so great since school started up again. It is always hard to go through a rough patch. 

I just feel like I am not getting much out of reading the word, my prayer life this week, or worship. I am absolutely just going through the motions this week and that is really hard. 

When you know what it feels like to be loved by and be close with the greatest God to feel disconnected is very difficult. 

I am going away for the weekend so I am praising God for the time that I will have with a great friend and for the time He is giving me to relax. 

It is hard for me to accept the fact that it is okay to be have a rough week and you do not have to live a seemingly perfect life all the time. It is okay that I am not okay and to show other that I am struggling. 

I came across this verse in my devotional yesterday and thought I would share. It is little moments and verses like this that remind me of my position in Christ even in the tough times. 

                                             "Yes, my soul, find rest in God, 

                                  my hope comes from Him, 

                          truly he is my rock and my salvation, 

                          he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. 

                       My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

                                 he is my mighty rock my refuge. 

                           Trust in Him at all times, you people;

                                pour out your hearts to Him, 

                                        for God is our refuge." 

                                               Pslam 62:5-8

Even when its hard I am seeking to find my refuge in Christ and sticking with Him always. I am learning to tell God my complaints instead of people because He understands and helps me see things from His perspective. 

Enjoy your weekends! 

Love, 

Allison 

                             

Crazy Beautiful Life.

I had such a fabulous time with my sister this weekend. It was so refreshing having her here I just loved it! She arrived her by train on Thursday night and so she got to come to Cru with me! I love when people I love get to see my life at school and Cru is definitely a huge part! 

Then we went to the Cru hangout and then came back to my room and we watched a movie and snuggled and just got to hangout and be together and that was super wonderful. 

Then on Friday I had a couple classes so she slept during my first one and then we got lunch in the dining center and then I went to my second class. After classes we went and walked around Uptown Normal and bought hoodies and looked at all the cute shops. We didn't last too long though since it was so cold out. Then we went to the mall with Autumn and shopped around, cooked dinner at Autumns, and then went to go see taken 2! Afterwords we headed to a friends place and played some games and just hung out. Overall a busy but really great day! 

Saturday was another really crazy day! We "tailgated" which to us was going over to my friends house and grilling out and just spending time together and then playing some games and then we headed to the homecoming football game. Annie and I only stayed for half the game because we were popsicles. When we got back we took a nap and then went over to our friends place again and played spoons and mafia. Then we went to have some fabulous ice cream at Emacks and then came back and went to bed. 

This morning we got to sleep in a little longer than the other days. We went to church and it was so wonderful. He talked about DTR (defining the relationship) with Jesus. He told us to reflect over three questions: 

           1. Why am I even here? (at church)-meaning am I here to really here about Jesus or just by obligation. 

           2. Are you all in?- am I being completely faithful to Jesus and not to just being a fan of Jesus? Often we pick and chose what parts of Jesus we like and then that makes us become a fan of Him. As a follower you are giving everything and doing everything for His glory whether you like it or not. 

           3. Have you made it your own?- if I am comfortable and not following till it hurts it isn't costing me anything. 

What do you think? Are you a fan or a follower? 

After church we had an amazing lunch with some of the older people in the church. They made us a homemade meal and shared their lives with us and how Jesus has worked and gave us tons of wisdom. 

Annie and I came back after church and watched yet another movie, ate dinner at the Coffee House (super yummy!) and then she was off in the night. 

As I am sitting in my bed writing this I am looking out of the window in my room at the beautiful sunset. In the background there is a song talking about how awesome the Lord most high is. I am tearing up just thinking about how amazingly motivating God is all the time. 

I am always amazed at the power that God has in my life.

God loves me so much and gives me such pure acceptance. I have learned to seek Gods acceptance verses seeking acceptance in people and in the world view.

For a long time it was really hard for me to believe in my heart that Jesus wants to know me. I would often wonder how the heck I deserved to be seen in that way by Jesus.

I know now that God loves me more than I could ever imagine and more than any person and that he has a plan for my life that far exceeds anything I could think of for myself.

Despite Gods love for us sin is something that we will always do. As a human I do things that separate me from God. Anything that I do that isn’t to do with the attitude and truths of my God is sin. Sin is something that puts a huge gap in between me and my relationship with God. Sin makes me not be able to reach God based on works because as I try to reach him I will always fail.

But then something miraculous happened, something that would forever change the hearts and lives of Christians. No longer would I have to live in sin and try to reach God by works or by my own power.

Jesus died on the cross for my sins.

So often I hear that statement and because I grew up learning these things in a church for a long time it didn’t mean very much to me.

When Jesus died on the cross suddenly there was a bridge for me to reach my great God. Jesus allowed us to have a personal relationship with Him and His Father. Jesus took the penalty of death on the cross to take my penalty of death which is sin and not being in heaven for eternity.

These are all fabulous things for us to know but just having this knowledge is not enough to get me into heaven.

I learned that I must have 100% faith in my God and receive Him as my savior. Following Christ is putting him in the center and being fully committed to living for His will.

This life that Christ has given us is one of greatness. Because of his death on the cross we are able to ask Christ to forgive us when we sin against Him and he will always do it.

I am seen as perfect by my amazing God and that is one of the greatest gifts that I could ever ask for.

The word grace is one that has been a huge part of my relationship with the Lord. Having grace for someone is accepting someone and forgiving them unconditionally no matter what they do in the past and no matter how little they deserve it. Jesus does this for us. I know how difficult it is for me to have grace in my life and something that I ask the Holy Spirit to show me often.

God’s gift in His son is everything I live for. Jesus is my all in all. Jesus doesn't call us to be perfect but he does call us to be completely focused on following him and that is something worth striving towards.

Today I am overwhelmed by the beautiful life Christ has blessed me with and that God has sent his son to give me so much joy in my everyday life through a relationship with Him. 

Thanks for reading and I love you all. 

Allison 

Testimony

So I figured it was about time that I wrote out my testimony. I don't know that I have ever actually done this but I feel like the people reading my blog deserve to know where I come from. 

As a kid my family went to church every Sunday and was very involved. My mom did MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) and my siblings and I went to AWANAs. When I was in fifth grade, for a reason I still don't know, my family decided to stop attending that church and find a new one. We never really found another one and eventually just stopped attending all together. 

It never really occurred to me in my junior high years that that was weird or that anything was wrong with us not going. 

Flash forward to sophomore year of high school. I was majorly struggling with depression. I would come home every day and go right to sleep. It seemed like I would come home, go to sleep, wake up and eat dinner, and go back to sleep. I was unsuccessful in school and was quickly submerging into a black hole. One day I couldn't do it anymore and decided to seek some help. 

I went to the school's social worker and sat with her and cried for a long time. It was helping me to cope with a lot of the negative thoughts I was having. I began to seek counseling outside of school as well. 

One day my friend invited me to come to her winter retreat with her. Her step of faith really changed my life. I went on the retreat and was, for the first time, finding joy in the Lord. In no way did I know what walking with the Lord really meant but I knew that I was finding happiness for the first time in a very long time. 

Throughout high school I was living what I would call a moral life. I wasn't drinking or swearing or doing things my peers were doing. Before I came to college that is how I thought I was supposed to be living. I didn't understand that Christianity is not what you do but instead your personal relationship with the Lord. 

High school was very difficult for me. I went through lots of friendships and wasn't being filled by those friendships and really not being fully filled by the Lord. After losing many friends that weren't good friends and constantly used me I started getting to know the kids with special needs at my school. That is when a lot of what Christianity was clicked for me. I saw Jesus' unconditional love through the kids and was living off of that. 

My senior year was by far the toughest. The summer before it was one that I expected to be fun, filled with friends and the best job ever! Little did I know God was going to shake my life upside down once again as I was just starting to feel stable. 

My parents told my siblings and I that they were going to get divorced. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever heard. For that next year I spent it all being angry and unhappy. 

There was unfaithfulness on both sides of my parents marriage and I had a really hard time seeing that their sin wasn't any better than any of mine. For that year our house was on the market and my dad was living in our basement and it was so hard to see him every day knowing how torn our family was.  

My house was so broken. My heart was so broken. I spent so much time crying and filling my brain with lies about how horrible my dad was and how terrible it was that he had turned on our family and how bad what we were going through was. 

That fall a tragedy hit my family and my brother tried to take his own life. Thankfully he was unsuccessful but it hurt seeing him so sad. 

Finally our house sold and my dad moved out and we were able to start moving on with our lives. I started going to therapy again to work through all of the anger I was experiencing. 

It wasn't until college that I was able to really experience the grace that Jesus has given us. 

Coming to college was a huge breakthrough moment. Being away from my dad helped me to see that I had no right to be so angry at him and he is loved by God too. 

I still experience trust issues with friendships from this. I still am terrified that people are going to turn on me and not be true friends to me. However, I am thankful to God for showing me true friendships at school but most of all showing me that above anyone on this earth I am able to trust Him. 

Finding Cru was probably the biggest blessing. I had definitely heard the gospel coming into school but never really knew what it meant to live and breathe for Jesus. 

This girl, who is my best friend today, asked me for my phone number at the freshman picnic that Cru holds every year. She was so persistent and would text me every time a Cru event was being held. 

After a couple of months I was between two ministries and decided to go with Cru. Throughout the course of the year I was involved in a bible study and was mentored by a wonderful upperclassmen who poured so much truth into my life. She really showed me Jesus and a lot about grace and what sin looked like and how to combat it. 

I learned and grew so much. I was in the word (and actually understanding it!!), reading books recommended by a wonderful friend, and taking steps of faith I never even knew were possible. 

The Holy Spirit really worked in my life last year and I am finding so much more joy in life thanks to my gracious, loving God! 

I love you all! 
Allison 

Just What I Needed.

At bible study on Monday we talked a lot about pride and righteousness. Being completely honest, pride is a huge sin struggle for me. I see it in myself all the time and I am in constant prayer asking the Lord to help me battle against it and to point it out in my life. We talked about how people often tend to make "spiritual resumes" because we think it will get us closer to the Lord. ("If I read my bible everyday I will be closer to the Lord") In no way am I saying spiritual disciplines (prayer, reading your bible, going to church, etc.) aren't important, they most certainly are, but when these things are feeling like a checklist  that is when the red flag goes up. I totally do this. On weeks where I am feeling off or somehow separated from God I often think I just have to get these things done and I am all good and that is just not the case. If my heart isn't in on these disciplines  and I am not  relying on the Lord and trusting Him there is little increase to my relationship with Christ. It is easy to get caught up in this trap but I cannot reach my God through works, that is just not how it works. 

Pride is pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself. (thanks dictionary.com) I cannot take credit for anything I do because it is all the Lord working in me and that is where pride gets me. I think I am doing it all on my own and with my own power and that that is pretty great and not giving glory to God for it. In prayer I am asking the Lord to show me that I am not as good as I think I am and to remind me of how powerful He is. A Tim Keller quote stuck out to me that has been a great reminder: "We are more wicked than we ever dared to believe, but more loved than we ever dared hope." I am reminded that I am a sinner and this world makes me so wicked but because of the Holy Spirit and Gods amazing grace he loves me more than I can ever imagine and I need to give him glory for all the amazing things he helps me accomplish. 

I listened to another Passion podcast that my wonderful friend sent me. The title of it was: "The Next Christians: How a generation is restoring faith." It was all about how different college students are today and how to be a Christian in this day. A big question he raised was:  "What does it look like to move forward being faithful to the gospel and having credibility to share with others?" He shared how college students are generally skeptical towards anyone or anything that claims something of absolute certainty. Meaning, I am 100% certain in Christ and that kind of freaks people out. He also talked about how in this day so many religions are just accepted in society where as in the past Christianity and Christian ideas were the things that built people up. This next part really got to me. He went on to explain the views that non-Christians tend to have a Christians based on a recent survey. They stated Christians were old fashioned, too political, and only interested in getting them saved, not being their friends. That is so sad to me and I sincerely apologize to those who were made to feel that way. People should be seeing Jesus in me not judgement. 

On to this weekend!! Cru had a weekend retreat called fall getaway this weekend. It was so wonderful to get off campus and just refresh and relax without feeling any pressure. First of all, the speaker was wonderful. He was from University of Illinois Cru and really presented the gospel in such a relatable way. He shared how when I accepted Christ my life my body was no longer mine-it was Gods. In the gospel God gives us himself in Jesus to live a life we couldn't live on our own, perfect and sinless. Isn't that pretty great?! He also shared that God's ultimate motive in being in our lives is to bring glory to Himself. He pointed out something very cool in a perspective I had never really thought of. He said that God is self-centered (or God centered) because if God values anything more important than Himself He would be practicing idolatry. God would be unrighteous if He didn't praise Himself because there is nothing greater than His own glory. WOW. God is so majestic that He is worthy of all the glory!! 

We also had a great opportunity to go sit out by a lake on a beautiful sunny day and just spend time with the Lord. It was so nice that they cut out that time for us because it is so easy to get caught up in the weekend and not take enough time by yourself, just you and the Lord. I was praying and asking the Lord to continue to cut down my pride, help me have grace in a relationship I am really struggling with, and to help me trust Him with some things that are happening in the future. I am reading Matthew right now and I came across these three verses all in one chapter: 

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them." (Matthew 6:1)

"If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles on its own." (Matthew 6:34) 

Crazy right? God knows how to give me just what I need at just the right time. The coolest thing was this was all Jesus giving advice to his disciples. I was given advice straight from Jesus. Oh man what a blessing. 

The final thing to talk about this weekend was the social stuff. Friday and Saturday night we all hung out at The Lodge which was a place with games and food and just hanging out. It is always fun to get to hang out with people when they are not focused on school and just focused on the present time and being there. Life should always be like that but there is always another thing you have to do. I got the privilege of getting to know some of our staff's kids this weekend. I just love kids and definitely miss my sweet kids back home. It was kind of nice on my getaway to spend some time away from the typical college life of always being with college students and be goofy with some kids. Kids always remind me of what it looks like to have unconditional love and what Jesus' love looks like. No matter how I sin or what I do I am always loved. 

Praise to God for giving me just what I needed this weekend and I hope those who were there (or not!) got just what they needed from God this weekend. 

Love you all! 
Allison 

God Speaks.

In the summer I am so blessed to nanny two amazing boys with special needs. Although sometimes we have some tough times with behavior I could not imagine spending my time any other way. The joy that I get from my kids is incomparable to any worldly thing there is. I truly see the love of God in the unconditional love that they show me every day. One of the boys that I nanny celebrated his nineteenth birthday yesterday. He had asked for a cell phone for his birthday and at 8:00 last night I could ten thousand phone calls from my wonderful friend Elliot. I may have had homework to do but hearing his voice and hearing him tell me he loved me and missed me made me feel so loved and cared about. I am totally a words of affirmation person so talking to Elliot is just the best. He called me multiple times last night and eventually I stopped answering but got the treat of listening to the voicemails, each one ending with, “okay, call me maybe”. How could you not love this kid?

Another exciting thing that happened this week is that I signed a lease on a house with four other women of God. I am beyond excited! I have been scouring Pinterest looking for inspiration to decorate our future home with. Aside from decorating and the logistical things I am most looking forward to people coming over and feeling like our home is their home too. It is going to be an amazing crazy adventure to take care of a huge five bedroom house but I just know the intrinsic rewards will prove worthwhile.

I am currently reading a book called “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil T. Anderson. (Highly recommended!)  This book is all about overcoming negative thoughts and has a lot to do with spiritual warfare. (The unseen world affecting the seen world)  As I was reading it this week I came across something that I never really realized. I knew Jesus came down to earth as a human but I don’t think I quite realized the life he lived. The book starts to make a distinction between temptation and sin. It defines temptation as “an enticement to live independently from God” whereas when we sin we are living independent lives of God. When Jesus came down to this earth Satan tempted him and tried getting in his head.  It was a cool to realize how tempted Jesus was on this earth and yet he never sinned. It is so nice to have a relatable God who knows exactly what temptation feels like all the time and when you do fall into the trap of sin has so much grace and forgiveness for you. One of the biggest things I have found myself learning is how to combat the negative thoughts satan puts in my head. When satan tells me I am weak I am reminded that God is my strength.

This past winter I went to Passion Conference, basically it is a mega conference in the Georgia Dome with lots of speakers and great worship. I was re-listening to a man named Francis Chan’s talk from that week. His main point was how much power the Bible has. He talked about how we need to be so consumed in the word that we begin to have the mindset of people in the Bible. We need to 100% believe in the fact that Jesus raised a man from the dead and how capable and willing he is to communicate with us. I was really shown this week how important it is to know the word well. If we don’t know the word well how can we expect to be able to defend our faith and our God.  Often we hear people teach on the bible and we don’t know that what they are saying is true. I desire to know the word well enough that when someone preaches on a passage I can believe what they are saying because I know exactly what is in the bible.

Heaven has also been on my mind a lot lately. Francis also preached on how excited God is to be in heaven with me. I think often times I look at myself as a sinner in disgust not as the beautiful person filled with the Holy Spirit that God sees me as and that then makes God see me as perfect. God loves us so much that he cannot wait to celebrate with us and allow us to witness perfection in Him. This week I have kind of been in a funk and the promise of heaven is always something that brings me joy. The thought of never being in a funk ever again is such an exciting, amazing promise.

Something I have always struggled with but am just realizing how big of an issue it is now is seeking acceptance in people. I have these strong expectations for people and it isn’t realistic that everyone is going to meet my seemingly perfect expectations. God has shown me this week that people will let me down but He never will. I was skyping a dear friend Andrea a few weeks ago who constantly is speaking truths about Jesus in my life. As soon as I say something I am struggling with she combats it with something great about Jesus and some pretty great advice. Something that stuck with me and I wrote down after our last conversation was this: “People will let you down, but God will never let you down.” It is amazing to me how God uses people to constantly remind me of his love and his truths.

I thank all of the wonderful people who have been there for me and never left my side, if you know me well you know how big of a deal it is to me to have people not turn on me. It is people like you who I see so much of Jesus in.

I want to close with a quote from a devotional I am reading. I was talking with a friend yesterday about how when the weather changes life seems so dark and then I read this. “Look into my face and feel the warmth of my Love-Light shining upon you. It is unconditional love that frees you from both fears and sins. Spend time basking in the light of my presence.”

God speaks in beautiful ways. I am continuing to prayerfully rest in the light of my great God this week and I pray the same for you!! 

Love,

Allison 

Hope in Eternity.

This past Sunday at church the pastor talked about suffering. After the death of one of my beloved friends John's mom I was really struggling with the "whys". Why did this have to happen? Why was she taken away from my sweet friend John, who has down syndrome? Why did their family, who I had relied on and loved for so long deserve to be hurting so much? I quickly discovered this. After reaching out to the Lord for comfort and an explanation he gave me a big one. 

God reminded me through my amazing pastor that suffering is the shortest route to Christ. Woah. I never thought about that way. That the Lord is using us and their suffering to reach out to us and extend our arms up to him for strength. I learned that death and any hardships we face are used for God's good no matter how difficult we think it is and it is our job to point others to Christ in their suffering. In one way or another, whether I ever find out or not, her death will be used for God's glory and that gave me so much peace and light into another side of the Lord I hadn't really discovered. I realized that God uses pain and suffering to get our full attention because at that point all we can do is reach out to the Lord simply because we cannot do it on our own. 

After much wrestling with Suzy's passing and not being able to be home to be there for John I was given so much peace. I named my blog 1 John 1:5 because it is a verse I hold near and dear to my heart. 

"God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all." 

This verse continues to shake me all the time. God has so much light and power over anything we will ever struggle with, big or small. Man do I wish I knew this a couple  years ago. :) God has shown me so much light since coming to I.S.U. and I don't even know if its possible to put into words how much growth I have had since coming to school and truly walking with the Lord. 

My prayer as I work through this blog is that others feel the power of Christ. That they would see how much more powerful Jesus is than anything on this earth. I am reminded that in so many ways and so frequently. My most recent realization is that the Lord has power of my anxiety and depression. The Lord has control and I am finding more and more joy in that promise, and the promise of an eternal reign with him everyday.

I have really been shown this week that I need to be more thankful for the amazing gifts the Lord has provided me with. I am thankful for my amazing friends and family who show me so much love and grace. I am thankful for a church that has a pastor with the Holy Spirit working in him to share messages with us of Gods love. I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing friends with special needs and how much joy is brought to my life because of them. Most of all, I have been finding myself the most thankful for the gospel and with that the promise of heaven. 

How beautiful the day will be when depression and anxiety will no longer exist in this world. Sadness, death, and suffering will be no more and we will get to worship God all the time. How cool is that?!? 

I leave you with a link to one of my favorite songs that gives me the chills and moves me to tears every time I hear it. I pray you are finding hope in the promise of eternity this week. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U-hOMunpWo

Love, 

Allison